10 Minutes on a parade square.

This was always going to happen. I knew it was coming –we all knew- but somehow it always seemed so far away. It was out of reach for so long, and then it was upon all of us so quickly. Sometimes the most obvious things in the world are the ones that we are blind to. For fear I put it to the back of my mind. But now, on such a day as this, I wish I hadn’t. I knew there would always be more I could have done. One minimal mistake could cost us everything. But there’s no use thinking like that, not today.

I stood silently, thoughts surpassing my mind. This was a battle of everything we had worked so hard to achieve. There would either be a bullet or a bomb with our names on it, or there wouldn’t be. Nerves were slowly taking over.

I just went through the various procedures in my head. Made it mechanical, checked I had everything, tried not to think. I looked up from my watch. A deep sigh. Nerves held my stone stare into the far distance. It started slowly, before rising to a crescendo that consumed everything. What if I did something wrong? Which way do I turn? Left? Right? No point even considering that now. It’s nearly time.

3 minutes. I swore inwardly. Breathed out long, heavy breaths. I’m not ready! What am I doing here? Give us a week, two at least, then maybe. But not now. We’re destined to lose. I looked up at the gangly group around me. It was going to happen to some of us. I know it’s selfish. But I couldn’t help myself. Stuck in the forefront of my mind, ‘Please let us win, please let us win.’ It was paralysing now. I struggled to breathe, as I was incarcerated by it. The clock ticked. I felt sick –physically sick. The clock ticked. I didn’t want to lose, this is it for us, it is over. The clock ticked again and again. Would it ever stop? It was ticking away to my own oblivion. It was like dying by one hundred thousand cuts, killed by the methodical click of the second hand. I hardly think I would have noticed the difference.

One minute to go....

But then what is it for? This whole culture. This whole big extravagant lifestyle. All that work and all that future, comes down to one fifteen minute stint on a dusty parade square. But now wasn’t the time for that. I would save my splurge of excitement mixed with emotions of anxiety for when the pressure was off. As we all marched on in our roughly worn uniforms, the promises and reassurances and endless trivialisation of sergeants bearing little consequence, we all knew that this would define so much of our future. I now could understand the point of all the work we had done. It came down to this. They roared our names through the un-swept hangar. 218 were declared winners, champions at that.