When walking into the room where the parents are there can be absolutely no physical contact between you and your partner. Introducing yourself whilst snogging the face off your loved one will perhaps not give out the best first impression. Standing at the side of your partner and smiling gracefully is acceptable, and eye contact with both parents is, without doubt, necessary.
Parents are the most intense when it comes to mealtime. They find it the perfect opportunity to sit and examine you whilst you send your peas flying into the middle of the table. The most important rule when eating a meal round the table is to use the cutlery provided and to eat slowly. Whatever meal is placed in front of you, you must like and make absolutely no complaints about it. If a question is asked to you in mid mouthful make sure you have completely emptied your mouth before replying, as implying that their child goes out with a farmyard animal is not the best option. If a drink is offered to you whilst eating your dinner, under absolutely no circumstances must you accept alcohol. It only takes one slip of the tongue to be hated for life!
Over dinner, the same questions will always be asked. What your parents do for a living, if you have any brothers or sisters and what qualifications you have. If you were not one for the whole education thing, always lie and pretend you’re cleverer than you really are. How can they resist liking such a bright spark? Make sure you seem interested in whatever is being talked about and feel free to chip in the conversation wherever you feel it’s appropriate. Try avoiding the subject of how much of an amazing kisser your partner is and how good they look naked though.
You know the night is going well when you have managed to avoid upsetting ‘mum and dad’ and they are still willing to be in the same room as you. When the table is being cleared, always offer to wash up even though you never do it at home. Also, always compliment the chef and comment on how much you enjoyed the meal despite the fact that the onions you’ve just eaten bring you out in purple spots.
Naturally, after you have eaten round the table with the parents you will feel a lot more comfortable around them. Don’t let this be an invitation to let the real you out of the box just yet however. When you gather round the tv to watch the X factor together, bare in mind that you are trying to impress and that you are not round your mates’ house. Leave out making remarks about one of the contestants having a huge birth mark on their face or having a lazy eye as you have not yet met the rest of the family. Who knows what weird and wonderful features Auntie June may have.
It is essential not to outstay your welcome on the first visit. If there are any signs of the mother getting her pyjamas on, then you know it’s time to make a quick exit. On departure make sure you once again thank them both for a ‘very nice’ meal and thank them for letting you in their house. Even now, public affection is still not on the cards so you must at least wait until you have closed the front door and the nightmare is over.
