Noticing that she was getting slightly uncomfortable, since she was drinking water every five to ten seconds, and not wanting to pressure her into more detail, I decided to change the subject and ask about her family. “My family is pretty ordinary. I don’t even know how I turned out this way! A mother, a father, a brother and a bunch of relatives that love each other but I just never felt part of them. However, do I really feel a part of anything?” If you ask me, no she doesn’t! “I hardly ever feel like I’m on earth, I just feel like I’m living within my world.” I’ve known Narcissus for more than three years, she feels like a sister to me, but it’s true, she doesn’t fit in. However, it was intriguing that this was the first time she was this honest with me. What is it that keeps her away from fitting in? “Sometimes I think it might just come down to the fact that I have commitment issues. I can never be faithful to a relationship.” Note to myself and all the women reading this; never get in a relationship with Narcissus A-Ngel, she will cheat. “Mentally never physically-this is worse- . I Just can’t commit to anything rather than music, I’ve been committing to music for the past nineteen years. I’ve always been like that. I don’t know why.” But I’m curious, every high school student tries to fit in, did Narcissus ever try to fit in? She calmly replied that she just never bothered; also whoever wanted to be her friend would end unfitting in with her! “If someone forced me to fit in or do something I wasn’t, I would just rebel against it eventually!”
She lights another cigarette with the same seductive way she lit the first one and she carried on revealingeverything about her sexuality. When did she realise she was gay? Surprisingly enough, the reason she realised she is gay was the world known anime “Sailor Moon”. “I started watching sailor moon when I was twelve and I instantly fell in love with Haruka(for those who have never heard of this anime: Haruka is one of the main characters, she is gay and in a relationship with Michiru) She is my inspiration, who I want to be, who I actually am. She resembles me and I resemble her.” She suddenly sighedand carried on, her eyes lighting up. Apparently Haruka is who made Narcissus realise that she might be gay. “It’s funny,”she laughed, “because she doesn’t even exist”. The realization occurred when she comprehended that she was in love with both Haruka and her girlfriend Michiru. Still she never followed any labels other than“Charming Tomboy “. “I love women, I love having sex with them and I kind of always knew I was gay so I never really cared”. Even from the extremely young age of five she would ask God why she wasn’t born a boy although she would always support girls in boys vs. girls debates. “I was always different from other girls, I actually kissed a girl when I was eight, I’ve also kissed boys but that just, didn’t work… “She laughed and got more comfortable. “Don’t judge me; I’m a very sexual being…” Well that’s pretty obvious, she had a lot of sexual flings, the whole idea of sex was always very appealing to her, she knew all about sex by the age of eleven “I can commit to sex better than I can commit to a person.”
The reaction she got when she told people she’s gay was the usual reaction any gay person should expect at that age, the curious thirteen year olds asking a bunch of questions about lesbian sex or kissing, the homophobic ones whose first reaction is a high pitched “Disgusting” and others of course tried to “comfort” her by saying she will get over it and finally the cool ones, her best friends till now, knew it before she even told them and have no problem with it. “I told everyone, even my parents who of course where in denial, but I was never in the closet. To survive you simply have to shut your ears, have friends and go to gay friendly places”. Narcissus confessed that the only thing she had to face was herself. “I am my worst judge! Sometimes I feel like two completely different people live within me.. One is called Haruka and the other Narcissus, they do adore each other to pieces but one is a greater judge than the other” Many people do not accept criticism and that holds them back from improving, but that’s not the case for Narcissus, not only she accepts criticism from others but she judges herself, she tries to become better every day.
Society though is still very much against the Lgbt community. What does Narcissus think about that? “We give them too much credit, that’s why they are against us. We, LGBT, are society.” What about the people who argue that is against religion/nature? “They are against God, all God said was love and they are spreading hate! And how can it be against nature? There are koalas out there having lesbian orgies! Being gay is not a disease, nor is it contagious! If I sneeze the person next to me won’t magically turn gay. Being gay is nature and loving is God. People against the Lgbt community are just being ignorant. ”According to Narcissus things are improving and if we want this to continue we should start listening to people and stop under developing in human values.
Narcissus is an upcoming artist; her dreams and ambitions for the future simple “Fame, Women, Money, Sex, Fame and Health”.
As this fascinating interview reached its end, I look at Narcissus, my best friend, I laughed and I said to her “I have, or at least had, no idea who you are”. Narcissus is more than your average person or simply a gay person. Narcissus A-Ngel is an extraordinary artist. A woman that wants to and will change many things in this world. She lit another cigarette, laid comfortably on her sofa, looked at me with her captivating eyes and whispered. “Now you know my kitten”.
I look at her and it’s as if I’m looking at someone else, this extraordinary woman that I’ve known my whole life, someone far more familiar, and as I wonder, it hits me. Narcissus is Haruka, her gestures, the way she talks, the way she looks at you, everything about her is so unbelievably charming that it screams Haruka. She exhaled smoke, looked at me and said “Keep on shining.”
by
elmo-angelika (student)
