In respect to the language used by male and females, they differ, sometimes unnoticeably. Women use more polite speech and fewer profanities. They use intensifiers and are likely to turn statements into questions (Lee, Shaw). Women have a higher pitched voice, which is thought of as less forceful and confident. Women use more fortifications and verification during conversation and are more likely to include nonverbal confirmations such as eye contact and head nods (Lee, Shaw). Men are more likely to interrupt in conversations and change the subject in the process. Men also make statements instead of raising questions because they are not looking for a response; they are simply stating an imperative (Lee, Shaw).
Males tend to give orders as a way of gaining social status. High-status males give orders just to maintain their dominance, not because they particularly needed the anything done (Lee, Shaw). Males who are being told what to do are thought of as low status, by virtue of doing what they were told. This dynamic is important to remember when looking at another major area of miscommunication between men and women. Women cannot understand the resistance men seem to have when asked for assistance or consideration of some kind or another. Women must understand that, for men, doing what they're asked to do means they have lost status in that relationship (Lee, Shaw). Men often feel that women are trying to manipulate them. What a woman might see as a simple request that is “no big deal” is seen by her man as an attempt to manipulate him into a "lesser" position.
For women, talking about troubles is the essence of connection. Men, however, hear troubles talk as a request for advice, so they respond with a solution (Lee, Shaw). When a man offers this kind of information the woman often feels as if he is trying to diminish her problem or cut her off. In his eyes, he's being supportive, because men don't talk to each other about their troubles unless they really do want a solution; talking about their problems is wallowing in them. The man doesn't realize that his woman was simply trying to establish a certain kind of intimacy with him and inviting him to reciprocate and share himself with her.
It's not hard, from even these simple observations, to see the potential problems when men and women communicate. Women create feelings of closeness by conversing with their friends and lovers. Men don't use communication in this way, so they can't figure out why their women are continually talk, talk, talking. Eventually, many men just tune their women out. The ever-present image of the housewife at the breakfast table talking to her husband who has his head buried in the newspaper comes to mind.
The woman, craving closeness and intimacy with her man, talks to him about her problems with friends, family, her job, etc. She seeks to have her man respond as her girlfriends have always done, and talk with her about his concerns. The man, however, hears these conversations as requests for advice, not intimacy. He considers the problem and offers a solution, or dismisses the issue (Lee, Shaw). When his woman continues to go on about these same concerns, showing no movement to consider his advice, he becomes confused and eventually angry; he begins to believe that his woman is an expert at talking about nothing. The woman begins to feel that her man doesn't care about her because he won't talk to her in a way that feels intimate. One may get the impression from this discussion that women's style of communicating is superior to men's. Indeed, since the dawning of the women's movement there have been many declaring that men just don't know how to communicate because they don't communicate like women (Lee, Shaw).
Communication, whether verbal or sexual, is a vital aspect in a healthy relationship. The lines of communication must always be open and ever flowing. We must accept the fact that women and men do communicate in a variety of different ways, and learn to adjust to find peace in our relationships. The issue of communication and power is something that can cause many arguments between couples. If the reason behind communication isn’t for the sole purpose of wanting to share, learn and listen to each other, misunderstanding and resentment will be the outcome. Communication in any relationship; male-female, male-male or female-female, will vary and accepting and recognizing our differences is an essential part of understanding our partner.
