I’ve only been serving for three weeks now, and yet I find myself plagued each day with the stresses and pains of a hundred years. We have been strictly instructed to restrain from human curiosity, for if we so much as show a hair above the boundary of the trench, we run the risk of a bullet lodged in our temple. I have not experienced all of my duties during my time here either. Tonight I am to stand to, from nineteen hundred to twenty-one hundred hours. I’m frightened. In the past week there have been four raids at my standing time. I can only pray that God has mercy on me. And if there shall be a raid where I were to be maimed, please let it be fatal, for I would rather die with my dignity than live a man of no worth. Last night I patrolled no-mans land and had to make the hard decision to kill my opponent in a hand to hand battle. This whole way of being has become so surreal to me, I can barely comprehend it anymore. I have been told to expect another four weeks of duty on the front lines, and then I will be exchanged for a fresh soul from the support trenches.
The food is that of a dog’s. I am hesitant to eat, for fear of the ailments that could be present within it. However, I am ravenous, and there is no other choice. Clean water is scarce, and I am on the verge of dehydration. I don’t know how much longer I can survive. I have become indifferent to the suffering of my comrades. I fear for my life. They said this would be a short war, one of great movement. I am beginning to wonder if there is any truth to their vision anymore. I sit here watching stray bullets cause fathers, brothers, sons, and friends to slump into the muddy slop which we are forced to call our beds…our home away from home. I often get lost in thought of what it would be like to be on the outside, looking in on this horrible hostile act of complete inhumanity. I want out. I want to leave this hell and run far away…to anywhere…to nowhere. All I want is fresh air to breathe, and a place to rest my weary head. I can find no peace in this world. Last night as I stared into the eyes of my dying enemy, I saw God cry.
This is too much for me. I welcome you, apathy.
Sincerely,
William Joseph Donovan
U.S. Army
165th Infantry
42d Division