Quelles sont les risques plus dangereux de la société ?
L’obésité, les cigarettes, l’usage des drogues et l’abuse d’alcool contribuent à une augmentation des morts prématurés dans le monde. En générale, je pense c’est en vouloir à la publicité – beaucoup des publicités pour les cigarettes, l’alcool et les amuse-gueules visent les jeunes, et la plupart des problèmes sérieux commencent dans l’enfance.
Le tabac est un problème très grave – approximativement 80% de fumeurs d'adulte a commencé à fumer avant l'âge de 18 et, journalier, presque 3.000 jeunes sous l'âge de 18 deviennent les fumeurs régulières. Le tabagisme n’est pas seulement très provoquant une dépendance, mais est également extrêmement dangereux pour la santé d'une personne : un fumeur régulier a un plus grand risque de la maladie de cœur et du cancer (87% de toutes les caisses de cancer de poumon et presque 90% de cancers laryngale sont provoqués par le tabagisme). Les milliers de fumeurs meurent tous les ans de leur habitude, et on l'a prévu que jusqu'à 5 mille des enfants d'aujourd'hui mourra tôt en raison des cigarettes.
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Peer Reviews
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Quality of writing
The spelling and grammar are almost entirely accurate, apart from a couple of grammar mistakes - for instance, "l'école a pu" in paragraph 5, line 2 should be "l'école pourrait" because it's the conditional tense. There's a really good use of technical terms based on this issue, like "la maladie du coeur", and varied vocabularly - for instance, they use both "le tabac" et "le tabagisme" - which shows that they know several different French terms for the same thing, which is expected at A-level. The sentence structures are really complex and ambitious, and they've managed to use some examples of the past tense (eg. "En 2005, c'était découvert...") to show they can use a variety of tenses in French. They could try linking the different paragraphs together using connectives like "cependant" in order to make the essay more clear to read.
Level of analysis
The writer shows appropriate analytical skills. For example, they explain why it's a problem that children under 5 are obese - because when they gain weight early, it's hard to make them lose it later. They use lots of statistics to back up their argument, which is really good because it shows they've understood and have researched their subject.
Response to question
This essay is really well-written, with complex vocabulary, near-perfect spelling and grammar and good points that are supported by statistics and carefully evaluated, although the writer doesn't fully answer the question by discussing which risks are the most serious. The student states in their introduction that the risks for society they will discuss are smoking, drugs and alcohol and obesity. These are all good factors to use as answers to the question, and the writer focuses on them throughout, using each paragraph to discuss the ways in which one of these factors is dangerous for society. But it's hard to understand why they've reached the conclusion that obesity is the most dangerous factor, because they've just described each factor as very dangerous, so there's no sense that obesity is the most dangerous factor. They could try comparing the factors a bit and perhaps mention some reasons why drugs and smoking are less dangerous than obesity, so that it's clearer why they've concluded obesity is more dangerous. It looks a bit odd that they mention advertising in the first paragraph, setting up the expectation that this will be a major point in their essay, and then never again - maybe they could use the first paragraph to explain why they think obesity is the most dangerous risk instead?
