It was not until the late 1920s that this really started to change. Women starting entering the work force little by little until World War II began (Roiphe). It was then that most of America’s women were working in the absence of the men who were fighting in the war (Roiphe). However, soon after the war was over and the men returned, so did many of the women. The ideal mother and wife returned to her post at home, cooking, cleaning, and watching the children while the men worked (Roiphe).
However, in 1963, Betty Friedan questioned this way of life in her book, The Feminine Mystique. Friedan claims that most housewives are dissatisfied with her own way of life as a simple housewife, afraid to even ask herself “is this all”. Over the past fifty years, a majority of women has chosen to work even after they are married.
However, some do not continue after they have children, but at the same time, the number of mothers who continue working after having children is increasing as the years go on.
But, mothers still question what the right choice is, to stay at home or work? What is better for the child and what is better for the mom?
In 1986, The Feminine Mistake by Leslie Bennets came out. The novel calls out for mothers to stay in the work force and earn their own way or suffer the consequences of guilt and economic problems (Steiner 12). Bennets believed moms who stay at home throw everything away (Steiner).
However, on the other side of the table sits Dr. William D. Tammeus who believes that stay at home moms offer more to a child development and mothers should not work (Steiner 26). Mothers at home are better for the child.
“You don’t really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around – and why his parents will always wave back. - Dr. William D. Tammeus”
The child is confident that his mother will always be standing there, ready to wave hello and goodbye (Steiner). With each day, he will venture just a little bit farther knowing full well that his mother will always be there when he returns. She will always be there, every single time. Tammeus asks if one can say the same about the rotating group of women taking care of your child and others (Steiner 28).
There are currently two main ideals of motherhood in today's modern world. There is the working ideal norm, where the mother works full time (Masters). The second ideal is the “home mother”. The ideal home mother is able to mandate the children's and spend time with her children and family. Making the right choice for ones child is always the ultimate goal (Wallace.). Mothers have to make many hard decisions, however, working vs. staying at home is believed by many to be one of the biggest decision. It will decide the well being of her child (Masters).
However, both choices hold judgment in its horizon. Both ideals are impossible to achieve. Even though many women seem to understand that achieving either or both ideals perfectly is impossible, they still feel guilty emotionally (Wallace.).
If they work, they feel guilty about neglecting their children (Begala). If they stay at home, they feel guilty about not following their dreams and desires. Therefore, to cope with the guilt they end up building a rigid identity around themselves (Begala). To try to cope with all of the things they gave up, they try to make themselves feel better about their choice (Begala). To do this, they puff themselves up onto a pedestal and begin judging other mothers who made the choice they wondered about making (Begala).
Nevertheless, the Mommy Wars are not real (Peskowitz 31). Yes, there are moms who do put other mothers down for the others choice. However, for the most part, it is simply a faux war created by media and parenting book authors. It is simply just a marketing technique to sell more books (Peskowitz 33). Every mom wants to believe she is doing the right thing, and these books promise to help her get to the right decision. Parenting advice holds an extremely large market. Media war in turn causes moms to oppress others who do not follow them (Peskowitz).
The fact is that mothers are not at war with each other as much as it seems. However, that does not sell magazines. Media constantly pit mothers who make different parenting choices against each other and try to start fights. In reality, most mothers are just trying to find what works for their families. But when questioned mothers will more than likely become defensive. It is human nature. Nevertheless, the media instigates it (Peskowitz 34).
Every rallying cry for mothers to work longer and harder outside of the home is stomping on someone else’s choice. Every reproach that a woman is not caring for her child properly because she is working too many hours is an unwelcome dose of “judginess" (Masters).
Carrie Black, author of Debunking the Mommy War Myth, tells her of her own experience with the media, and other mothers with the Mommy Wars. She had friends who vocally look down upon women who don’t work full-time. (Black 54) She explains that also had family members who firmly believed a mother’s place is in the home, raising her children and that both of these opinions bothered her (Black). Black explains that they were just opinions but her friends and family acted as if his or her own opinion was cold, hard fact (Black 55). Black explains that a single mother who worked tirelessly to support her family financially raised her. Black tells her readers that she was no less adored or less educated as a result (Black).
Every time she listen to or read a bossy opinion about how women should navigate the challenging role of motherhood, Black would get a little bristly. However, over time she learned to ignore it. Black states, “It took me a while but as my children grew older and so did I, I learned that not one else’s opinion matters but my own.”
The mommy wars, was designed to pit career women “against” stay-at-home-mothers by suggesting that if a woman chose one over the other, she would somehow create some sort of irreparable harm to her offspring (Black 32).
Mothers should not give in to media or other moms who believe that her business is his/ her own (Black 58). There will always be a story in the news that upset a mother. There will also always be that mother who enjoys tearing apart another mom. These are just two examples of how Mommy Wars stay alive (Peskowitz). Mothers should do what they think is best. Every situation is different and mothers will figure out what is best for their child. It is no one else’s concern but each family’s own.
Begala, Paul. "End The Mommy Wars!." Newsweek 159.20 (2012): 18. MAS Ultra - School Edition. Web. 1 Mar. 2013
Black, Carrie. Debunking the Mommy War Myth. Kernersville, NC: Alibaster, 2008. Print.
Masters, Kim. "Working Vs. Staying Home: Why We Judge Other Moms...And How To Make Peace With Your Own Choice." Parenting 17.4 (2003): 130. MasterFILE Premier. Web. 1 Mar. 2013
Peskowitz, Miriam. The Truth behind the Mommy Wars: Who Decides What Makes a Good Mother? Emeryville, CA: Seal, 2005. Print.
Roiphe, Katie. "The Truth About The Mommy Wars." Redbook 206.3 (2006): 154. MasterFILE Premier. Web. 26 Feb. 2013.
Steiner, Leslie Morgan. Mommy Wars: Stay-at-home and Career Moms Face off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families. New York: Random House, 2006. Print.
Wallace, Catherine Miles. Selling Ourselves Short: Why We Struggle to Earn a Living and Have a Life. Grand Rapids, MI: Brazos, 2003. Print