Cecil: Yes dear.
(Charming rushes in panting, sees Cinders and runs to greet her.)
Charming: Hello dear
(Cinders jumps when Charming greets her and looks very relieved)
Cinders: Where the hell have you been?
Charming: I was… ummm buying you some chocolates. Yes that’ll do.
Cinders: Well?
Charming: What?
Cinders: Where are they then?
Charming: Where are what?
Cinders: My chocolates!
Charming: Oh yes, I errr, left them in the car.
Cinders: We don’t have a car.
Charming: Oh. errr, That’s because it was stolen.
Cinders: You went bowling again with that idiot friend Beast of yours didn’t you?
Charming: Yeah sure, why not?
Cinders: Well, you’re here now so sit down with my sisters.
Charming: Since when were Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumber coming?
Cinders: Shush! They’ll hear you!
Charming: Sorry.
Cinders: Anyway, you probably won’t see them for much longer anyway.
Charming: Why not?
Cinders: Cecil and Gertha’s Marriage is on the rocks.
Charming: Again?
Cinders: Yeah, but this time I think its serious.
(Everyone freezes, lights go out except on Cecil and Gertha, lights follow them wherever they go)
Cecil: Look, I’ve told you a thousand times; pet stores don’t sell manically perturbed owls surprisingly enough. I’m not even sure owls can be manically depressed.
Gertha: Well then…. You should have painted me one yourself.
Cecil: Oh for…
Gertha: I’m sorry Cecil but that’s it.
Cecil: What?
Gertha: I’m leaving you
Cecil: What?
Gertha: I’m leaving you
Cecil: What?
Gertha: Never mind you old fool
(Gertha Stamps out bumping into the postman on the way out, he gets up and posts it through the door, and Cinders picks it up, Charming goes to sit by Cecil)
Cinders: Oh lovely we’ve been invited to Lord Toady’s ball, isn’t that wonderful darling?
Charming: Umm, yeah sure, Oi you, shrimpy, we need to talk outside, come on.
(They walk outside and sit down on a bench)
Cecil: So me old brother, what’s got you down?
Charming: That’s not what we need to talk about. How long have you and grumpy Gertha been fighting?
Cecil: Oh too long, too long. It started with those stupid owls. Speaking of which, do you know anywhere that sells manically depressed owls?
Charming: I don’t think you can get them anymore. Oh but I know somewhere that sells strangely depressed pandas if that’s any help.
Cecil: No I don’t think so, Gertha hates pandas ever since the one at the zoo mistook her for its mate and gave her a bear hug.
Charming: Ouch!
Cecil: Then when the zookeepers got her down; they shot the poor thing with a gun full of tranquillisers. And I don’t mean the panda.
Charming: (Charming backs off while saying this) Right well all I can say is keep looking for that owl and maybe you can get back together. (he looks at his watch) Oh no! I have to get to Beauty’s house! (Charming runs out)
Cecil: You know brother, I think you’re right. I need to find that owl and get back with my Gertha! Right Nick? Nick? (he turns round to find that charming has run out) ‘Sigh’
(Black out)
Scene 3 - Beauty’s House
(Lights up on an enormously obese Beauty, who is lying centre stage on a bed with crisp wrappers, half eaten chocolate bars etc. Beauty is snoring with an on tv. The postman comes whistling on carrying a letter. Just as he is about to put it through the door, Charming rushes on after him)
Charming: Oh no you don’t! ( He wrestles the letter off of him and kicks him off stage)
(Charming enters the house and puts the letter on the side. He picks up some flowers hidden in a cupboard)
Charming: Hello dear! How are you?
Beauty: ‘Snort’
Charming: Oh ok. So better than yesterday then.
(Beauty wakes up startled)
Beauty: Oh hello darling. I was just watching more Jerry Springer.
Charming: Aren’t you forgetting something? ‘Cough’ Anniversary ‘Cough’
Beauty: Oh yeah. I got you something. Here you go! ( She hands him a empty chocolate box)
Charming: It’s empty
Beauty: You took too long and I got hungry!
Charming: No surprise there. Here you go darling! (he hands her some flowers)
Beauty: Aaaaw thanks. Hang On Where are my maids? Oi Flora, Fauna, Merryweather! Where are you?
(The Flora and Fauna enter rubbing their overworked backs and such)
Flora: Here I am mistress
Fauna: And I mistress
Beauty: Where’s Merryweather?
(We hear crashes as Merryweather falls down the steps, she falls on stage)
Merryweather: Here I am
Beauty: Finally. Right girls I want you to go and buy me a large pepperoni pizza with a large Orangeade and with extra cheese, mushrooms , pepper, ham, pineapple and a smidgeon of anchovies.
Flora: But you just ate!
Beauty: That was 5 whole starving minutes ago!
Fauna: And the Pizza Place is 15 miles away
Merryweather: And the Carriage has gone in for its MOT.
Beauty: Do I Care?
Fairies: ‘Sigh’ (they exit except for Merryweather who sees the letter on the side and reads it excitedly)
Merryweather: OOO Mistress you’ve been cordially invited to Prince Toady’s Ball.
Beauty: Finally! I was beginning to think he didn’t like me. Come on dear, help me find something to wear. (Merryweather helps her out of bed. She staggers under the weight of Beauty but they manage to go off)
Charming: Ah well. Off to the ball!
(Blackout)
Scene 4- Prince Toady’s Palace (The Ball)
(Lights up on a ballroom with Prince Toady running around making sure everything is right for his ball. There is catering around the room on various tables. Dandini is following him calmly around the room with no worries)
Toady: Oh this is a disaster! Dandini! Where is that stupid man? If he turns up, after the show I will give him a piece of my mind! (He almost steps in caviar on the floor) Dandini!
Dandini: Yes Sir?
Toady: I thought you called the exterminator to get rid of those rabbits!
Dandini: I did Sir
Toady: Then why are their droppings on my floor?
Dandini: Well sir, there is a very good explanation for this. That is not rabbit droppings. It’s the caviar one of the servants dropped earlier.
Toady: Ah well that makes so much difference, CLEAR IT UP!
Dandini: Very Good Sir (He clicks his fingers for a servant, the servant comes on and wipes up the caviar and goes off)
(Doorbell rings)
Toady: And now the guests are here. Great. Just Great.
(Servant Enters)
Servant: Sir the guests are…
Toady: I KNOW!
(Servant walks out offended)
(In comes crowd of guests in overflowing dresses and suits etc. Snow White comes in last, Toady is greeting them)
Toady: Oh hello my dear Snow. How’s that old midget Dic?
Snow: Doc.
Toady: Whatever, anyway enjoy the party!
(In comes Cinderella)
Toady: Ah my wonderful Cinders! How are you and your sisters?
Cinderella: Well, One is getting divorced and the other one is down with the flu!
Toady: (Pause) Lovely! Enjoy the Party
(In comes Sleeping beauty)
Toady: Good evening my darling Beauty! Have you lost weight?
Beauty: I doubt it.
Toady: Ok then! Enjoy the party
(Toady joins the party, Charming rushes in in a mess and tidies himself up, Dandini rushes over to him)
Dandini: Nick! Nick! What do you think you’re doing. All three of them here at once. I told you this was a bad idea!
Charming: Don’t you think I know that! I haven’t got a clue what I’m going to do!
Dandini: Ok Ok don’t panic! You can distract one of them. But how do we keep the third and second distracted?
Charming: I don’t know but I’m sure we’ll think of something. Just stall as much as possible!
(He runs over to Cinderella)
Charming: Hello Dear!
Cinderella: Oh hello darling! Have you been here long?
Charming: No not really. About 10 minutes. And you?
Cinderella: No I just got here. (Snow walks over to them)
(Charming walks over to her to stop her)
Charming: Hello darling!
Snow: Oh! Hello dear I didn’t think you were coming!
Charming: Well I was just running late.
Snow: Who’s your friend? (At Cinderella)
Charming: Who? Oh her, umm she’s no one.
Snow: Hmmm, I’ll just go and introduce myself
Charming: Oh no, don’t bother! Could you get me one of those fishy cracker things the servants are handing out? Thanks dear.
(He pushes her away. Beauty starts waddling towards Cinders, they begin to talk. Charming sees and whisks Cinders away)
Cinderella: Charming! What are you doing?
(Snow and Beauty come over)
Snow: So you have two friends now?
Beauty: Who the hell are these people?
Cinderella: He’s my husband!
Snow: What? He’s my husband!
Beauty: I think you’ll find he’s mine!
(They start wrestling on the ground)
Charming: ‘Sigh’
(Blackout)
ACT 2
Scene 5- The Ruined Ball
(The scenery has been messed up, table pushed over etc. The three princesses are sitting down looking tired and battered)
Cinderella: I’m gonna kill him. I am absolutely going to kill him.
Snow: How could he do that to us?
Beauty: And to think he had all three of us fooled! But the cats out of the bag now!
Cinderella: Next time I see him I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!
Snow: Wait! I have an idea! Doc and his friends used to mine chocolate for this guy. And he used to have these workers, but they quit and became qualified assassins. If I could get hold of them we could kill him that way.
Beauty: I’m not that keen on killing him. He still keeps us in royalty. If we could just teach him a lesson.
Snow: Well maybe some of us actually loved him! Instead of you pretending to love him for buying you the McDonalds Corporation!
Beauty: Excuse me! It’s now called McBeautys! It sounds so much more, me!
Snow: Oh be quiet Fatso!
Cinderella: Girls Girls! Lets not fight over scum like him! Now, we’ll compromise, we won’t kill him, but we’ll do something just as good!
(They start whispering to each other and sniggering)
(Blackout)
Scene 6- Dandini’s Place
(Small flat, Dandini is ironing. Charming belts on a complete mess, very out of breath, and looking very very scared. He knocks at the door)
Charming: DANDINI! DANDINI! OPEN UP FOR GODS SAKE MAN!!!
(Dandini rushes to the door and opens it. Charming rushes in)
Dandini: Nick! What’s wrong?
Charming: It’s a code red! My worst nightmare.
Dandini: Oh no! McBeautys is bankrupt and all our stock is now worthless?
Charming: No. They found out!
Dandini: That’s nothing to joke about.
Charming: I’m deadly serious.
Dandini: I told you this day would come. What are you going to do?
Charming: I don’t know but I’m going to have to decide quickly, they’ll be coming to find me soon. And surprisingly enough, I don’t want to be around then.
Dandini: You’re going to run away?
Charming: I’ve got it! I’ll run away! I’ll go and stay with Mum and Dad until all this dies down.
Dandini: I don’t like it but if that’s what you want.
Charming: I have no choice. It’s either that or be ripped apart by three very angry ladies hungry for revenge.
Dandini: Good point.
Charming: Come on help me pack.
Dandini: Wait! Are you sure this is what you want?
Charming: I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life?
(They rush off and blackout)
Scene 7- An Alleyway
(The three princesses are centre stage discussing their plan)
Snow: Ok, I managed to get hold of them and boy are they looking good!
Beauty: Well come on then lets have a look!
Snow: Right! (She whistles for them to come in)
(Enter the crack team of Oompa Loompa Assassins. They enter and begin to sing their song)
Oompa Loompa Song
(Cinders and Beauty look horrified at these abominations, Snow looks very proud)
Snow: Good aren’t they?
Cinders: That’s one way of putting it.
Beauty: And a pretty incorrect way too.
Snow: Oh come on give them a chance!
Beauty: No time! Here he comes!
Snow: Right. Everyone know what they’re doing?
Cinders & Beauty: Yep!
All: Lets go!
(They all hide behind a bush except for Beauty who gets pushed out and is forced to hide behind a brick. Charming rushes on with Dandini following carrying all his bags)
Charming: Come on Dandini! You’re so slow!
(Dandini glares at him)
Charming: Look! We have to… (He spots Beauty behind the brick) Oh! Hello Beauty! No hard feelings eh?
Beauty: ‘Whimper’
(She panics and hits him with the brick. He falls unconscious)
Dandini: Hey you can’t do that! He’s your…
(The assassins jump out and circle him. They begin to sing another song)
Snow: Get on with it!
(They stop and launch on Dandini and knock him to the ground. They tie them both up and drag them to the centre stage)
(Blackout)
Scene 8- The Same Alleyway
(Lights up on an unconscious Dandini and Charming centre stage, they begin to become conscious)
Dandini: Mum was right! That Charming is bad news dear, I’m telling you! Don’t go near him! Why didn’t I listen to her?
Charming: (Makes inappropriate sounds and say inappropriate things as he is dreaming)
Dandini: I wish I could say I’m surprised.
(In come the three princesses)
Beauty: Hello Charming.
Cinders: I suppose you thought we’d never find out didn’t you?
Snow: Well look how wrong you were!
Beauty: Charming! Charming! We’re gloating rather successfully here and don’t you have anything to say to us?
Dandini: Trust me, you won’t get anything out of him
Charming: ‘Snort’
Dandini: More than I got.
(Snow walks over to Charming and slaps him awake)
Charming: Aaah! Where am I? Where’s my Cheeseburger?
Beauty: First of all, you’re tied up by your 3 wives and are about to be brutally interrogated, tortured and something else bad we haven’t quite thought of.
Snow: Torture?
Cinderella: We never agreed on torture.
Beauty: Ok maybe not torture but still interrogated!
Snow: No, we scrapped interrogation.
Beauty: Ok! Fine! Just the really, really bad thing! Secondly you need to lay off the cheeseburgers.
Dandini: Well can’t you let me go? I didn’t cheat on you! I don’t even know this guy!
Charming: Traitor.
Dandini: Please!
Cinderella: Sorry, you helped him that’s just as bad.
Charming: Ha! You see my dear Dandini, if they let you go, as they were untying you I would unleash my amazing of powers of Kung Pu!
Dandini: I think you mean Kung Fu.
Charming: I know what I said.
(Sudden SFX of Owl screeching, Gertha runs on screaming being chased by an owl, Cecil runs on after her)
Gertha: Oooow! Get this thing off of me!
Cecil: Come on, get off her! Down! Sit!
(Gertha whacks it with her handbag)
Gertha: If you want something done, you have to whack it with your handbag!
Cecil: Gertha! Do you know how much that depressed owl cost me?
Gertha: How much?
Cecil: (Pause) That’s not the point. I just thought that if I got you this owl we could get back together!
Gertha: Cecil, it was over for us a long time ago!
Snow: But we are just beginning!
Cecil & Gertha: Eh?
Beauty: Yeah! I need a shoulder to eat off after this ordeal!
Cinderella: Why don’t you come back to mine Cecil and we’ll spend some time together?
Snow: But he’s mine. I saw him first!
Beauty: No he’s obviously mine!
Cinderella: I knew him first! He’s mine!
(They have a similar fight to earlier, enveloping Cecil.)
Cecil: HELP! HELP! I CAN’T BREATH!
(They fight their way off dragging Cecil with them. Charming, Dandini and Gertha are the only ones left on stage. Dandini and Charming break free)
Dandini: Finally! You know Nick? I’m fed up of you bossing me all around! I’m going to go and live my dream of being a… being a… Wait. I’ve done this all my life, I have no qualifications! I suppose I could start with McBeautys and work my way up. Yeah!
(He goes off reciting various job possibilities. Charming sits down centre sage)
Charming: ‘Sigh’ Great! I’ve lost everything! My home…s , My wife…s and if I can’t find another wife soon, I’ll lose my right to the throne!
(Gertha walks over and sits next to him)
Gertha: You know, I heard you talking and…
Charming: Oh no! No way!
Gertha: Go on it’ll be fun. Besides, I’ve always wanted a real man, and I can see you’ve always wanted a real woman!
Charming: So why would I want you?
Gertha: Well if that’s the way you feel!
Charming: No wait! I suppose I could give it a shot.
Gertha: I hoped you’d come around!
Charming: You know, maybe I’m not that down on my luck after all. I haven’t got 3 wives anymore, no more jumping between lives. I think things are on the way up from here!
Gertha: Oh yes! Up, up and away! Come on hubbie lets go home!
(She drags him off kicking and screaming)
(Charming comes partially back on stage)
Charming: Oh God how wrong was I!
(He is dragged back off by Gertha)
(Blackout)
Finis!
