As a good listener, you need to demonstrate your skills via a combination of NVC and VC. The person that’s listening, tends to make more eye contact as it’s a signifier of concentration, but making limited eye contact with the person (friend) speaking, may convey a message of boredom or a lack of interest in what the speaker has to say so sending negative feedback (Appendix1). This may result in an unfinished or a limited conversation and will force the person speaking to restrain from disclosing themselves further due to a lack of assurance (Appendix). You tend to control and alter how much you disclose about yourself depending on who you are talking to, what relation they bare with you and what feedback you receive from them. If your talking to a close/friend, you may disclose yourself freely and with less hesitation compared to someone you dislike or don’t know well where you will disclose more reservedly, this may also be the case if they receive negative feedback. Receiving negative feedback from the listener, the speaker may not wish to pursue their friendship any further due to feeling undervalued.
On the other hand, by adopting a more assertive posture and by sitting up, you are telling the speaker that you’re listening and are interested, but if you’re in dyad and you don’t know that person well, or don’t like that person, you will tend to have a more relaxed posture and take up more space by spreading your legs. Another way of portraying positive NVC is through orientation. Once the friendship is established, the persons in the dyad may orientate themselves in a 90 degree angle as this position according to research by Judee K. Burgoon, is the one we tend to adopt whilst having a conversation with someone. Burgoon’s research showed that in a staffroom, chairs were placed face to face- signifying competition. By the end of the day the chairs were at a 90 degree angles, which is conducive to a conversation. In his study he also explained that being seated side by side is a sign of co- operation.
By showing the speaker interest, you are provoking them to disclose themselves further (Appendix1). Interest can be shown by a range of paralanguage. Paralanguage is another form of NVC where intonation, hesitation noises, gestures and facial expressions are used. In this context, positive elements of paralanguage can be used such as raising of the eyebrows connoting anticipation and curiosity in what the speaker has to say next along with signs to signify confirming, indicating the speaker to carry on talking. This gives the speaker positive feedback, giving them more confidence and be trusting of the listener and at the same time accomplishing the desire to be socially accepted as “Having friends is considered to be a significant social achievement” (Hartup 1970).
By showing the listener that the speaker is disclosing themselves, you are to some extent boosting their self esteem (Appendix1), as they interpret this message as positive feedback in the form of them being a good listener and friend and motivate and induce the listener into concentrating and confirming more.
Listening skills in a developing friendship is a two way process where you have to give a little to get a little. “Friendships involve maintaining contact with the other person as well as sharing affection, concerns, interests and information.” (Hess 1972)
Maintaining friendships involves constant input from both elements of the dyad. (881words)
Appendix 1
The looking glass theory
This theory is linked to the issue of self esteem. We see ourselves in the actions of others. We react according to the feedback we’re given. If the feedback that we’re given is positive, then we are motivated and encouraged to achieve our ideal selves by acting upon the self- fulfilling prophecy and vice versa.
Appendix 2
The Johari window
This theory is linked to self disclosure. The boxes below may alter in size according to how much we disclose about ourselves eg if we our ‘open area’ is the one which we disclose the most, then the hidden area will decrease in size.
