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We unveil tonight's ingredient: Cow Hemoglobin in Salt Solution

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by T. J. Logos - 9/27/00 Every Olympics, we learn of new and more clever means of cheating mother nature. We at Circling the Square wholeheartedly approve of most "performance-enhancing" chemicals. You never know when you're going to need that extra ounce of pep to confront the heinous Fungi from Yuggoth, and so we give 'roids, human growth hormone, erythropoetin, and other such "strength potions" a qualified thumbs up, despite a host of undesirable side effects, and their being technically illegal. However, recent stories have revealed a new technique, rife for abuse by extradimensional forces: blood doping. First discovered by Swedish Dr. Bjorn Eksblom in 1972, blood doping involves taking blood from an individual several weeks before a race, keeping it nice and chilled, and then feeding it back into that individual's system just before race time. ...read more.


The 1984 US cycling team opened up a secret clinic in a Los Angeles motel room for the Olympics, and dosed seven athletes. Four of these athletes won medals. These were the first cycling medals America had won in 72 years. Hmm. However wonderful this extra blood might be, we must warn our audience: do not trust the hype! This artificial blood can only lead to the slow extinction of the human race! Why? In a word, vampires. "I don't drink... Gatorade" Before the advent of boosted blood, there were several excellent techniques for vampire detection, all of which involved hemoglobin. Now, with numerous people altering their hemoglobin levels, there's no way to keep the vampires out of the Olympics. ...read more.


And, worry not, we here at Circling the Square will not let that happen. If you want our blood, you'll have to drink it out of our cold, dead hands! Even if you somehow evaded being turned into a vampire by the blood infusion, you would just be that much more irresistible to the seething hunger of the vampires out there. You'd be devoured more quickly than Dom Deluise at a cannibal cookout. Though I suppose, for intrepid vampire hunters out there, it could be used as bait... For trained professionals only, of course. Don't try this at home. But the next time you get that urge to decant a couple of pints into a Gatorade bottle for later, just consider: is winning that race really worth eternal damnation, and being hunted down by hit squads ranging from Vatican stormtroopers to British realtors? We don't think so. ...read more.

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