We unveil tonight's ingredient: Cow Hemoglobin in Salt Solution
No one is quite sure what the side effects are, but it does hold oxygen. For these Olympics, the question on everybody's minds might be: Got Hemopure?
The good Swedish doctor found that his subjects could run up to 25% longer on a treadmill before collapsing of exhaustion after his treatment. The 1984 US cycling team opened up a secret clinic in a Los Angeles motel room for the Olympics, and dosed seven athletes. Four of these athletes won medals. These were the first cycling medals America had won in 72 years. Hmm.
However wonderful this extra blood might be, we must warn our audience: do not trust the hype! This artificial blood can only lead to the slow extinction of the human race! Why? In a word, vampires.
"I don't drink... Gatorade"
Before the advent of boosted blood, there were several excellent techniques for vampire detection, all of which involved hemoglobin. Now, with numerous people altering their hemoglobin levels, there's no way to keep the vampires out of the Olympics. We barely managed to catch the 17 Chinese hopping vampires who tried to infiltrate the Sydney Games to spread Taoist evil; but if more athletes start to turn themselves into auto-vampires, then the purity of the games will be compromised.
Where can all this blood-drinking lead? Vampires, vampires, more vampires. Do we really want our whole country to turn into another It's simple: you drink enough blood, you become a vampire. That whole vampire kiss stuff is misplaced Gothboy romanticism. Sure, some apologists may say, "blood porphyria is a disease," but we say, that's a cop-out: bloodsuckers of any stripe, even if they're respected athletes, must be ruthlessly exterminated before they get a desire for blood that's not so Hemo-pure. OURS!!!!!! And, worry not, we here at Circling the Square will not let that happen. If you want our blood, you'll have to drink it out of our cold, dead hands!
Even if you somehow evaded being turned into a vampire by the blood infusion, you would just be that much more irresistible to the seething hunger of the vampires out there. You'd be devoured more quickly than Dom Deluise at a cannibal cookout. Though I suppose, for intrepid vampire hunters out there, it could be used as bait... For trained professionals only, of course. Don't try this at home.
But the next time you get that urge to decant a couple of pints into a Gatorade bottle for later, just consider: is winning that race really worth eternal damnation, and being hunted down by hit squads ranging from Vatican stormtroopers to British realtors? We don't think so.
