The space has changed. Not the sky is darker and everything seems colder somehow. I hear crying and quickly turn to see where it is coming from. It is a person. A very fat girl who looks like the one I had seen in the mirror. She is crying, covering her face with her hands and suddenly, the realisation hits me! She represents ‘self esteem’. She is overweight and unattractive according to the mirrors that have suddenly appeared out of nowhere. Behind her walks a boy. He is stern looking, with hard, sharp features and short, dark, spiky hair. He is ‘anger’. Behind him is a small, old woman, walking with her head down and mumbling to herself. She is ‘guilt’. Even weirder is the door that is behind the trio. It follows them, floating in mid-air. As the strange looking group stop for a second, I quickly open the door and walk into a long, dark tunnel. There is a light at the end and it comes closer and closer, until I see it as an image, almost like a television screen.
It shows the girl’s parents arguing and the girl, much younger then, is crying on the staircase nearby. The next image is of a boy, insulting the girl. She is slightly older now and he is teasing her about her weight, even though she has no obvious weight problem then. During each picture shown, there is the sound of crying in the distance, as if coming from further down the tunnel. The final image is of her father walking out of the door, a packed bag and car keys in his hands.
I realise, as I turn to leave the tunnel, that these must be her memories; sad ones at that.
When I enter the open area again, I notice that the everyday objects from before have changed to food. I watch in amazement as the entire ‘room’ seems to shrink and the girl appears. She looks similar to before, but younger and healthier. She is attached to chains which seem to be holding her back from touching any of the food around her. ‘Guilt’ appears again, as the echoing words sound in my ears, “Please honey, just have one bite. Please!” these are the words of her mother. They sound tired, as if said over and over, to no avail.
Now the food is swallowed, not by her, but by the ground of her mind. I hear the sound of a door being slammed and a key turning in a lock. The sky is red and the boy representing ‘anger’ has reappeared. A depressed, sobbing little girl walks beside him, symbolising ‘sadness’. However, this anorexic girl is not angry at something outside, she is angry at herself.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see another small girl, crouching behind a large, jagged piece of rock. I go over to her and hold out my hand, but all she does is cower deeper into the shadow of the rock. ‘Fear’. She is ‘fear’ and is always there. ‘Temptation’ is another constant feeling but, in this girls mind, it is kept chained and tightly in control.
She is now at school and the sound of voices echoing is loud and difficult to comprehend. While she is in class, a white door remains open. Inside I see a plant which grows as she learns. It does not grow easily however, because she is weak and tired.
Upon exploring further, I discover, behind a large piece of rock, a huge picture. It is a painting of an extremely thin young woman. She does not smile but stands proud, bones jutting out where womanly curves should have been. I look behind this freestanding painting to find a blue door. I recognise this as the door to her memories. When I open this door I notice that the images shown are other memories from her past. The first is of a group of children laughing at a girl in a playground, pointing and jeering. Then it changes to an image of three teenage girls, casually looking at magazines. They all sit admiring the thin models in the pictures, while hating themselves.
I notice that the scenery has changed again as I walk out the door and come out from behind the painting. The floor is now green, like grass, and the sky is a dull blue. I see the girl, running as fast as her weak legs can carry her. The strange thing is that she is not moving forward. Although she is running, it is as if she is on a treadmill…getting nowhere. I walk up to her and try to touch her bony shoulder but my hand feels nothing. She is only a vision. Then another hand appears and reaches out to her, an offer of help. “Bang!” the hand is stopped by a slamming door which shuts her behind it.
The food has emerged again but the shadows have grown and the scenery is darker. Suddenly, I am engulfed by water! The space has become a pool of sorts. Strangely enough, I can still breathe. However, an image of the girl appears and she is drowning! The surface of the water seems so close but she cannot reach it and she is pulled down by the water as it is sucked by a plughole.
The scenery becomes distorted once again. The jagged rocks form long, dark shadows which stretch over the ground, covering it like a dark blanket. I see another door, with light coming from the keyhole. Cautiously, I walk over and try the door knob. It is locked. When I look through the keyhole, I see a beautiful field, with warm sunshine, butterflies and daisies scattered over the green grass. Sitting in the field is a young girl with long, thick, blonde hair, pretty, bright blue eyes and a genuine, happy smile. She sits in the field, making a daisy chain, occasionally stopping to look at the beautiful butterflies flying above her head. She is ‘happiness’ and the door has been locked for too long.
As night begins to fall in this mind, fear, hopelessness, guilt, anger and sadness do not sleep. They are always there, along with the chains of control. There are no stars in the vast black sky and as everything grows dark, I wonder if happiness will ever stop the pain that eats up this poor starved girl from within. Maybe, if she learns to love herself. At least there is hope.
