When Mr. Conner charged us for our crimes, my father was ashamed of me. He always used to say, “I told you but you wouldn’t listen. Don’t mix with other people and you’ll die a happy man.” My father blamed it on the Cunninghams for letting their sons run wild. He said that the Cunninghams have been shamed long before their sons were born and it didn’t matter to them if they were disgraced once again, but that he wouldn’t let me disgrace the Radleys. When it was time to face the Judge, my father begged the judge to allow me to stay in Maycomb. I sometimes wish the judge refused this suggestion and forced me to go to jail.
My father didn’t use chains on me to make me stay at home like people said. He did worse. He made me feel useless. He told me that if I were to go outside again, I would destroy any dignity the Radley name had. My mother just used to cry everyday. I know she tried softening my father and she tried to make him forgive me but he couldn’t and he didn’t. I always thought that if I obeyed him, he would someday look at me and forgive me. I thought that he would remember that I am his son and that he loves me; that day never came. Instead each day, when he comes back, he would look at me with disgust and shame in his eyes and say what a disgrace I am.
One day he came back home and started ranting and scolding at me again. I was sitting on the rocking chair by the corner. My mom was watering the camellias with her tears. I was getting angry and fed up of all the noise. My father shouting, my mom crying. All I wanted was peace and quite. Then my father saw I wasn’t listening and then picked my scrapbook and threw it in the fireplace. That was it. For a second I was gone. I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t notice a thing. Then after that moment, all I that heard was my father screams for help and I saw a scissors in his lap. My mom was crying and wailing. I was confused. The next thing I knew, the sheriff was involved.
The sheriff was questioning me about what happened but I hadn’t the heart to say I drove a scissors into my father’s leg. It confirmed everything he said about me. The sheriff was going to jail me. I felt unusually relieved when he said this; then my father interrupted. He told the sheriff that I wasn’t a criminal and that the sheriff shouldn’t jail me. I was shattered. I wondered why he was doing this. He was deliberately trying to hurt me again. It was happening all over again. I was thirty-three years and my father still ruled me.
This time it was worse. I just stayed in my room sitting on my rocking chair behind the window in the dark just watching life go by. It seemed as if everyone was getting on with his or her life except from me. I could see everyone but no one could see me. I came to a standstill. I would not eat anything for days. I always stayed in the dark, to ashamed to step into the light. I was afraid someone would see me. I never let my family come near me. I would just sit in my rocking chair watching life pass me by.
My father reached his breakdown, I guess it was because of me, as many times my father would stand at the doorway of my room when he thought I couldn’t hear or see him. I wanted to forgive him but couldn’t. I didn’t deserve the punishment he gave me. Anyway, my father’s health started deteriorating and he became really sick. He would vomit four to six times a day. My mom called Nathan, my brother and told him to come to Maycomb from Pensacola as quickly as possible. I could see my father was dying but I couldn’t help. I didn’t even want to help him after all these years of treating me the way he did!
After my father died, things only got worse. I had this shadow of guilt hanging over me. Nathan never forgave me. He said it was because of me, father died. Even my mom believed him. She told me that people were talking about us. She said everyone believed I was dead so she was going to let them believe it. She said that people are scared that people are scared of anyone that had Radley in their list of names because of me and that I had brought shame unto the family. It was only then that I realised I was the phantom of Maycomb city.
Nathan came home each day to fill me in each day with the day’s gossip. Most of it had something about me being a monster. He did a good job of making me feel shamed and useless. One day he told me how no one would go near him but he could hear them talking about me. He told me that people thought I hate raw squirrels and cats. People thought that I only come out at night and that my hands were permanently bloodstained. Basically I was a monster who was dangerous to human beings. Many a time, baseballs would fly into our garden but no one come to collect it. It shattered me that people were scared of me. I could never show my face ever again. Nobody knew I was a scared man with a little boy’s heart.
One summer I was watching the roads when I saw both of you talking to this boy. I believe his name Dill. Three of you seemed to become good friends as anytime I looked towards your house from my bedroom, I could see three of you playing games in the front porch. All of you seemed to be playing pretend games and Jem, you used to be the sheriff. Dill was always the villain and Scout, you were always the judge. I used to laugh because I never got the chance to play those games. Many a time I would see Dill standing at the light pole looking at my house. I used to wonder why he was so interested my house. All of you started hanging around the light pole more often and then one day you took a step further and I saw Jem knock on my door.
After that, all your interest in me seemed to fade. Scout had started school and Dill was not to be seen anymore. Funnily enough, both of you ran by my house and when you reached the light pole, you stopped running. This was surprising because you knocked on my door so I assumed you weren’t scared of me but I was proven wrong. I was used to children running past my house because they are scared of me. I wasn’t pleased about this but I got used to it. However, both of you were the only ones who seemed intrigued about me and I wanted to show you that I am not what people make me out to be.
I wanted to make contact with both of you but was to scared to step outside and I knew if I did, I would make Nathan angry, so I devised a plan to get in contact with you. When you both were at school and no one was on the streets, I crept out the back door and leapt over the barbed wire next to the pole. I even had a long cloak to cover me from the sunlight. I then put a pocket of chewing gum my brother always brought back from the O.K café when he went to work. He always liked Wrigley’s double mint, so I put it in the tree hole and used aluminium foil to cover it so it was noticeable to the watchful eye. I then went back into my house and watched the tree through the window. I waited and waited till I saw Scout. You were running past then you suddenly stopped and turned around. I guessed you had seen the foil. You had. I saw you reach to the hole and take out the foil. You opened it, took a piece of the chewing gum as if having a toaster. I was hurt. You actually thought I would poison you but the main thing was that you eventually took everything. I had a way to contact the outside world.
For days, I wanted to make more contact but never had a chance. There were always people around, so I gave up. Days became weeks and weeks became months and before I knew it, summer was on its way. I knew I wouldn’t have a chance to get in touch with you during summer, so I tried one more time and I was lucky. This time it was so much easier. The barbed wire had been lowered down and my mother had gone out to get more camellia seeds. I found this velvet box that I had since I was a child. It had two pennies, which I adored. They were the only objects that reminded me that my dad loved me. He gave them to me and told me to save them. Two pennies was worth a lot in the Nineteen Hundreds. I decided to give them to you because they only made me sad. Once again I put them in the tree wrapped with foil.
This time Scout saw it from far as she was, pointing to the hole. I saw you, Jem gasp. I guess you were surprised. I saw you take it and I was pleased. I would put more things in the tree later on to make sure you knew it was from me before I start writing letters to you. I was excited. It wouldn’t be very soon until I’m released and everybody in Maycomb will be treating me as their neighbour not a monster.
Summer came so I was unable to put any more things in the tree, as you would have seen me. Dill had come for the summer and all of you were on the porch one afternoon. You stared playing roll the tyre and it was Scout’s turn to play and she entered the tyre. Jem must have pushed it very hard, as I never saw a tyre roll so fast. The look on Scout’s face when rolling down was so funny I couldn’t stop laughing. Luckily for Scout, the tree stopped the tyre. She got out of it and she ran as fast as she rolled down leaving the tyre by the tree. I knew she must have heard me laughing so she was terrified. Not long after, Jem came to collect the tyre. At least Jem wasn’t scared of me.
During that summer, all three of you started playing this pretend game. It was a new one; it wasn’t like the others. It took me some time to find out what it was. Then I realised, you were all reconstructing my life. Surprisingly, I wasn’t angry, I was amused. It entertained me. Everyday, I would sit by the window and I would watch you. When Nathan passed, you would stand still with innocence. I felt like I was there playing with you.
One summer’s day, I was asleep when a pat on the window woke me up. I saw Jem standing on the barbed wire with a pole carrying a piece of paper. I thought it was a letter to me so I leapt with anticipation. I knew this might be the one chance to get my life back. I was nervous, so I undid the latch of the window and opened it a bit more so it would be easier for you. I looked up and all I saw was your father shouting at you about something. I guess he saw what you were trying to do. That chance was gone.
I was stupid to give up because it wasn’t long before you tried to contact me again. This time you wanted to just look at me or enter the house. Dill and Scout crept under the wire that led to my house. As Jem was about to go under the wire, he got stuck for a while but you eventually made it through. I saw you walk up to the window and Dill was looking up to the window and Dill was looking through it. I knew you wouldn’t be able to see anything because my mom always closed the curtains after 6 pm. She thought the dark would kill her camellias. Since the curtains were closed, I saw all of you move towards the back door. I decided to get to the back door to talk to you but I saw Nathan at the window. He must have scared you as you ran away. Unfortunately Jem, you left your shorts there at the barbed wire.
I know Nathan made a lot of fuss about it that evening. He kept marching around shouting “ I am going to kill whoever was here”. I sneaked to the back to collect you trousers from the wire. While Nathan was making noise to all the neighbours, I took needle and threads and sewed it up. It wasn’t anything fancy, I did the best I could because I knew Jem would have to come back and look for it and you did. I was proud of myself.
School started not long after that night so I resumed my activities and started putting more things in that tree again. I put a ball of grey twine in the tree and waited. I saw both of you stop by the tree but you didn’t take the twine. So I left it for two more days and then you took it. It was the start of a great adventure.
For many more days, I put objects in the tree hole including a soap doll of both of you I made, a packet of chewing gum, a medal, a pocket watch with a chain and an aluminium knife. It had become a weekly job for me until one day; I was going to put a piece of mint tablets when I heard someone let out a cough. I shook. I was scared, only to find it was Nathan who came home early and had caught me. I was in deep trouble. That night, Nathan locked me up and filled the tree hole with cement. I had no hope of ever getting out again.
That year, winter came. This hadn’t happened in Maycomb for over forty years, so I guess my mum wasn’t healthy enough to survive winter and she died. For the first time in years, I cried. I always loved her but I was never good to her. I made her sick. She wouldn’t have died if I wasn’t being a pain to her and giving her so much stress. I was the cause of everything that went wrong in my family so I decided I would stay at home and not bother anyone again.
That winter was a very cold winter as it snowed. I had never seen snow. Apparently, it snowed in the year 1885, almost ten years before I was born. It looked like cotton and I wanted so much to go outside and feel it but I couldn’t. I saw both of you gathering mud and I wondered what you were using it for. Later, I found out; you were using it to make a snowman. It was very good but it looked like Mr. Avery to me. I must admit Jem; you are a man of many talents.
That night, Miss Maudie’s house went on fire and Nathan went out to help. I wanted to help but I couldn’t face going out. Both of you stood at my front gate and I knew this was my chance to talk to you. I waited until it was safe. I grabbed a blanket as I could see you, Scout, were getting cold. I went through the back door and I crept to the back door and I crept to the back of Scout but when I got to you, I froze. I couldn’t talk to you. It was the wrong time, so I put the blanket over you. It was the wrong time, so I put the blanket over you and went back to the house. It would be long before I could talk to anyone.
I was awake all through the night watching the fire at Miss Maudie’s house burn out. I had missed my chance and I knew I would never get another one. I wept and wept. Nathan heard me and all he could say were “You brought it upon yourself”. When he said that, I hated him more.
That is the story of my life. I hated everyone and loved nobody. I grew up to be an old lonely man. The only friends I found were in you because you were the only ones who don’t judge me like others. I hope you will learn something about my life because I did but I was never able to use it. I hope you do. When I die, please remember me.
From Arthur Radley (Boo)