The grandfather clock rings every hour of the day so I know where to go. I have already spent one hour in the bathroom. It is one o clock so I make my way to the dining table. My house is very small so I never get lost. I recognize my way by the floor. My room is carpet and so is the path from my room to the toilet. I am walking to the dining room on clean tiles. The tiles feel nice and cold. Especially in the Summer time where it feels very hot. Sometimes in the summer I think I can feel light since the sun is always shining my way. I love the Summer times even though it is so hot. My mum leads me to the garden and it feels very nice. I can feel ants crawling over my feet; it is very ticklish. It is one of the only thing that can calm me down when I’m upset. I get upset very often. I don’t lead an easy life. I know my mum tries to comfort me all the time. She is always hugging me. Sometimes I don’t care, especially if I am really angry over something. I push her away and lock myself in my room. I’ve been like that in my whole life, as far as I remember.
My parents are waiting in the dining room and eating their breakfast at the same time. I can feel their movements and smell their food. I think it is bacon and eggs. They are my favorite food. I haven’t tasted much food, and I forget the taste of most food unless I eat it constantly, since I can’t create an image in my head. Sometimes my life can be interesting in this way. I can just picture things how I think it will be. But I think my imaginations are all different to the actual real life, and that makes me angry. It reminds myself of my identity and my illness. Then, nothing seems real anymore. No one can control me when I am this angry. I hit things and hurt myself and I know I hurt the people around me too. I can just sense the atmosphere.. it is incredible, it is like the substitute of my sight, hearing and talking. I don’t know if it is worth it because most of the time I would just rather live like everyone else. I want to see pretty things. I can feel the dawn and I know it is beautiful, but it is however, too wonderful that I can never work out what it’d look like.
I can feel my chair and I sit down. There is something warm in front of me and it smells like my favorite food! It always cheers me up, to eat something that I like. When I am finished with the bacon and eggs, I always get a drink with a straw for me to suck on. Today it is orange juice. I recognize the taste. I almost have it every morning. After my lunch, which I have already spent another hour of the day on, I am led to the garden to run around. I love running because I don’t think about anything and it’s the other thing that relieves my anger.
I am allowed in the garden for three hours but I never get bored. My life is very plain and simple and I don’t get bored easily because there are always so many nice things to discover, and I feel free. When I am hungry I go into the house and mum knows what I want. Food. She gives me sandwiches most of the time, which I hate eating, but when I am hungry I can just about eat anything. When I am done, I love to catch things. My specialty is butterflies. I know there are butterflies flying around and I always try to follow the movement. I am an expert at it. That is really what I do all day. But when the three hours is up I get angry because I still want to play. I throw everything around me but my mum never seems to realize and I always end up in my room and throwing everything around. It takes a lot of time for me to calm down. Sometimes it takes me a few hours. It is like a monster coming to haunt me. I always have this session of the day when I am very angry because I can never seem to do what I like. I do not understand the normal people’s ways, but yet they expect me to live like that. Like them. Then something suddenly hits me, like the truth or something, and I am not angry anymore. I stop getting upset and become very hungry. My mum is used to my behaviour. I never live or have lived a day without throwing one tantrum.
It is dinner time when I am ready to go face my mum again. I eat very little for my dinner. I am a very skinny girl. I can feel my bones. I only have one helping of spaghetti or what happens to be cooked. And straight after I go to sleep. I never bother to wash before sleeping. It takes too long and I get too tired. I sleep very early. That is my life. I wonder what will happen to me if I can have all my senses back. It is my biggest wonder; biggest dream. Goodnight.
By Karen TSE 10A