Kelly Harrison 11v
Personal Writing Non-fiction – Writing to Inform, Explain, Describe
Autobiographical Writing
“A Memorable Occasion in my Life”
Looking around the blacked-out glass door and past the curtains, I caught a glimpse of the school hall. It had been totally transformed from its usual every day state. There were rows and rows of chairs filling the hall with a large carpeted stage at the very front against a backdrop image of a grand castle in the night’s sky with twinkling lights acting as stars. I could hear the idle chat of the parents as they began filing into the hall and choosing what they thought to be a good view of the stage, ensuring that they would be able to see their children from the best possible angle.
Behind me, a surge of people were rushing around, fiddling with costumes and putting the finishing touches to the girls’ makeup. Panic had started to infiltrate the backstage area. Everyone was on tender hooks and extremely nervous. I had never really felt like this before, it was a totally new feeling for me to be experiencing.
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Peer Reviews
Here's what a star student thought of this essay
Quality of writing
The Quality of Written Communication is very good. Though the majority of the sentences are simple and compound, the candidate adheres well to the expected writing standards of a GCSE English student. I would though, as an improvement, like to see a braver use of more challenging vocabulary and punctuation. Naturally, this candidate is describing a tense moment, so perhaps it is for this reason that they do not use many large words but it would be nice to see, either way, a better use of complex punctuation like semi-colons and parentheses as this strengthens the writing confidence of an answer with the use of higher level writing devices.
Level of analysis
The Level of Description here is fair. The candidate employs a number of literary techniques including personification ("Panic had started to infiltrate the backstage area"), and commentary on sense other than sight, so we as the reader can really imagine being there. Similarly, authenticity of anxiety is achieved with the candidate commenting on insignificant little details like the fraying of her dress hem instead of concentrating on that which is causing her so much anxiety at the time; stepping on the stage, remembering her lines, etc. I would like to have seen much more use of the very easy-to-do simile and the equally as easy and effective metaphor, as the answer lacks any of them. These latter two devices are absolutely imperative for descriptive writing as these and personification are the key devices used in creating powerful imagery. It is important for candidates to realise the tools required with each Writing task, such as the use of emotive language, repetition and Second Person Address in Writing to Advise. I like the last paragraph, which comes as a pleasant breather from the intensity of the earlier paragraphs. The candidates sits back and empathises with others who have felt the same experience, and widens the demographic relationship between the text and real life, creating a good connection with the audience. It's a very effective ending and a pleasant one considering most creative writing descriptive pieces end suddenly on a cliffhanger or with the candidate simply stopping writing after the event was over.
Response to question
The is a Writing to Describe task and the candidate her is describing a moment in their life when they felt under immense pressure from speculation of an audience they were performing to. A daunting time for all of us, the way this candidate writes very successfully recreates the feeling on waiting behind a red velvet curtain before stepping into the spotlight. There are a number of literary techniques used though one could argue that there is not enough to gain higher than a low B for GCSE. The answer is solid and reads smoothly, but the interest can be lost through things we are not told. The use of literary devices is good if not slightly underdeveloped, but the answer as a whole is well-structured and is entirely reflective of the last seconds before show-time, which often feel like much longer periods of time.
