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A Walk by the River.

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Introduction

A Walk by the River The sudden, swift, severe summer storm caught me totally unaware. I was walking down Old Salem Road when the clouds started to build. I looked around as I huddled under a large, dead oak tree. Almost all of the houses on this abandoned street were too badly damaged for me to take shelter in, except for one. The house loomed impressive and morbid in the greenish-black sky. A flash of lightning briefly illuminated the house. The windows were broken, but the superstructure seemed sound. I was becoming soaked as I pondered my dilemma. Should I stay under the tree and risk getting hit by lightning or should I go into that old house, not know who, or what, might be in there? The storm decided for me. Lightning hit the tree, filling the air with the sent of scorched sap. I dashed onto the porch and pounded on the door. It was open. What was that? ...read more.

Middle

Since I didn't have any business to do in there, I left it undisturbed. I found several bedrooms laden with cloth-covered antiques, moth-ridden clothes that might have been beautiful at one time, and tarnished jewellery. At the end of the second floor, I found yet another stair well. This one was dark and coated with lacy spider webs. It led to what must have been the children's floor at one point. There was a play room that took up most of the space, along with two bedrooms with dainty furniture, and the nurse's room. What I mistook for a closet at first was really a narrow flight of stairs that lead into the attic. A giant rat scampered across my feet. Its beady eyes glowed red in the flicker in lantern light. It hissed at me. I screamed and dropped my lantern. ...read more.

Conclusion

Suddenly, the faint, acrid smell of wood smoke reached my nose. I felt something burning me. I pushed the man away and cried out. Fire felt like it was licking at me. I backed up against the far wall. The flames had already enveloped the man. As a second flash of lighning suddenly blinded me in a flash, I blinked. Opening my eyes quickly to maintain a view of the burning figure, nothing, just a mirror. There was a sudden explosion when lightning hit the rof above me. I was blown out of the window and into a slimy fountain. The piercing wail of a siren cut through the crackle of the burning house. A firefighter lifted me out of the fountain. I stared at his neck. Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my mouth. I cried out. The firefighter hugged me once then wrapped me in a blanket. I blacked out as I was slipped into a waiting ambulance. ...read more.

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Here's what a teacher thought of this essay

4 star(s)

The description in this piece is excellent but it cannot gain top marks because the structure of the piece is too simple. You must always include a variety of sentence structures to enable contrasts between different structures to create a more effective piece of writing.

4 Stars

Marked by teacher Laura Gater 05/09/2013

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