The lump that had made its way up to my throat fell down to my stomach in what felt like a rush of, well, embarrassment. Frantic flashbacks of the night filled my head till it hurt. I could see people laughing, dancing and it was dark, I saw myself and Sarah we were drinking happy, drinking-celebrating. The frenzied memories stopped and then it happened. I fainted.
I woke up and didn't want to leave the comfort of my own bed but I felt restless-sick. A feeling leaped through me-indescribable anticipation, fear and then, finally, acknowledgement. I got up and had a shower, because I recall that I suddenly felt dirty.Everything felt so strange and my ahower hadn't freshened me-I just felt empty and emotionless. I noticed how dark it was and realising that the curtains were still shut I went over to the window and forced my hand to pull back the heavy linen. There were people outside and cameras flashed, there were so many people, my dizziness returned and I felt weak. With nothing to lean on I slide down to the floor and sat down.
I could hear them shouting-the people outside, that, along with the constant ringing of the phone made me numb, I couldn't even cry. I don't know how long it was that I sat there, but I remeber hearing the door bell-it woke me up. I walked slowly to the door and opened it just enough to see that it was my mum. One of the journalists that was outside followed her to the door and was shouting to me to tell my story, my mum slammed the door behind her and came over to the table where I was now sitting.
"It had to happen someday, you couldn't hide it forever." Those were her words. "But..." I broke off. "What about_dad?" I said amidst the tears that been welling up behind my eyes. She just smiled at me in such a way that soothed me to the point of letting go and I burst into tears.
She didn't stay for long, just enough so I knew she was there, if I needed her. After she left I recoiled back to the shaken anxious self that I had become that morning. I began to think about the conseqeunces of this thing that I was but couldn't focus, I just kept racking my brains as to who it was that went to the papers about me-I must know them, they were in my house. In between this torture I was subjecting myself to the phone rang again-this time I wanted to answer it. It was Sarah, her voice sounded half desperate and half relived-perhaps because I was still alive, I'm not sure.
"Are you ok?" she said. "Is there anything I can do? Do you know who it was?I have a few ideas, shall I come round?", her voice was soft but I couldn't speak to her-I didn't blame her but I wanted to be alone from now. "Give me just today, I want to be on my own for a while." I said, then hung up. I didn;t deserve any nice words or caring gestures-I hated who I was.
There were so many "what's" and "ifs" that my mind was sifting through just to try and find an explanation, I still hadn't thought about it logically. I needed to break free. I wanted to end this, I saw no way out. How could I sqeeze and squirm my way out of the hole I'd been pushed into? My eyes felt wet again but I closed them and took a deep breath-trying to breath the life back into my lungs. I felt ruined. My job, my family, my friends my life and all those people hating me, I could see their glares already, what would become of me now? I couldn't think clearly.
I was on the edge that day, I had an urge to shed that part of me and adapt to my "new" surroundings. The years that followed were the hardest I've known and I wouldn't bestow the pain I felt on any other being. I began to plan how I would try to change myself, meet a nice young man perhaps and live the lie I should have done form the start but that would have meant denial-a public statement perhaps and I couldn't do it. I couldn't let myself down, put myself down to the point of lieing about who I was, but I was ashamed. The years changed me, but my surroundings changed also. There were others like me-famous names who stepped forward and took the brunt of the papers and public as I did. But then again, there will always be a celebrity for the papers to slate.
Thankyou.
