All by My Self

The room was cold and dark. Oh so cold. All I could hear was the distant sound of traffic, fast traffic in a slow world. I felt so distant from everything. Isolated. The only light there was came from a pale street lamp. The traffic sounded like it was drifting away, but it was me. I felt so tired because of how cold I was. I heard a small sound of the staircase... someone was coming up.

***

It was a beautiful summer morning. The sun shined brightly through my silk pinky curtains. It was only five past eight but I had a great day ahead of me. Paul was coming down to see me at three o’clock and to take me out for a meal somewhere. That meant that I could collect some information for my geography project and at least make a start on it. After all, if I didn’t get it finished today, I could always finish it tomorrow.

My life seemed so much better then. Finally I was beginning to get-around the fact that my parents were Never going to get back together. They had split the day before my 7th birthday, my mum moved out and thought they would sort it out, but a year and a half later the divorce came through. I hated my dad because if it weren’t for him, having an affair with his work colleague, my mum and dad would still have been together. I hated myself too though, because deep down I knew what my dad was doing when mum was away was wrong, but I said nothing to anyone. I convinced myself that it was my fault. At least now though I was seeing a councillor and I was beginning to accept the fact that Mum was married to Ian, Dad loved Karen. My parents were happy, and I was a little happier now too. I managed to get all of my feeling out that had been weighing my shoulders down for years. I was happy as long as I was with Paul and I couldn’t wait to see him. He loved me.

This is a preview of the whole essay

All morning I seemed to be rushing everywhere. I went up town to the Library to research the topic of my project. There were loads of books and I managed to get everything I needed in notes on paper. I can’t wait I can’t wait! I kept thinking in my mind. Afterwards at about ten past two, I phoned Paul to see if he had got on the train ok only his Mum told me that he was down at the police station because he had got involved in a really big fight and was possibly going to be in for another six hours. I went home and just stayed in my bedroom with my music on full blast. I didn’t want to be on my own. Most of my friends were going to a party, but I felt too upset. I didn’t want to get drunk or anything, I wanted someone to talk to but I wasn’t close to my mum then. I later decided to phone a good friend who I had met on the web.

He had sent me a photo recently and he was 17 with a face a little like Craig David, but I didn’t really think about it much because we were just good friends. He was seeing a girl called Stephanie and I had Paul. I agreed to meet him an hour later at the train station by sneaking out of the house when everyone was in bed. I told him that I would be wearing jeans and a blue baggy sweatshirt so he knew who I was. We had never met in person but at least he would recognise me and know who I was. The strangest thing was that I had a voice in my mind trying to tell me something, but I just didn’t pay any attention to it. This wasn’t London where there were bad people. I pushed the little voice to the back of my mind. I was being paranoid, just a little uneasy from stories in the media. He was a friend, and besides, terrible things don’t happen in places here. Others yes, but not here. That’s what my problem was, I always trusted everyone.

Ten o’clock came so I went downstairs, out of the back door and headed towards the station. It was a cool clear night and quite pretty with all the stars. One last road to cross, up the stairs and I was there looking round. I couldn’t see him, but then I froze and felt a chill down my spine.

A man was walking towards me. He was very tall, quite well built and looked strong. His skin was one of the darkest blacks I had ever seen and he was smiling at me. I didn’t know who he was, but he knew me. I had been stupid, very stupid. I wanted to run, to scream… to be back home. There were a couple of people around, but I just couldn’t move. He was only a metre away and he put his arm around me, perfectly naturally, and led me to his car. My head was spinning around in circles. I was on my own, no one could help me, no one would know where I was. I was so worried about what was going to happen to me, what if he killed me? How could I escape? What upset me most is how upset my Nan would be, my Mum. It was from that moment on that I decided that I would do anything and everything he said to. I didn’t want to die.

The car journey was unusual I felt as if I was in a different world. Everything around me was misty, moving fast. I couldn’t take in a lot of where we were, but when everything cleared slightly I noticed we were turning into a street and he said “almost there baby”. I knew I had to have some sort of idea where I was. The road he turned the car into was called Maybush Avenue. He was watching me closely and said we were in Shirley. I made sure I remembered that too. When the car finally stopped we got out and he told me to walk towards the end house. I did as he said. The street was quite long and had about 16 houses each side. It was quite a rough area, with loads of graffiti and rubbish around, and hardly any lights, one worked better than the others but it was still rather faint. When I stopped at the door he opened it and took me inside.

The house was different to others. It had no carpets, just a rug here and there. The floor was just stone and the sitting room was like a waiting room, cold and depressing. There was a single sofa that had rips in it and old stains, and a chair in the corner, which was taped up where it had been broken several times. He went into the kitchen and brought back a bottle of wine and two glasses, but I told him about my anti-depressants, so he got me some coke instead. He instructed me to follow him upstairs, and lead me into a dark room with a double bed in it. He told me to.. get undressed and get into bed, and went back down stairs.

I didn’t want him to get angry with me or hurt me, so I just took my jeans off and got into the bed on the window side. I had left my long nighty and bra under my sweat shirt, and had tights under my jeans because of how cold it was outside. I left them on so that only my hands and face were uncovered. I wanted to hide myself from his clutches. I even felt like jumping out of the window. I felt so upset and mad at myself. I was so insane to trust someone I had never met. I tried not to think of it though. The room was cold and dark. Oh so cold. All I could hear was the distant sound of traffic, fast traffic in a slow world. I felt so distant from everything. Isolated. The only light there was came from a pale street lamp. The traffic sounded like it was drifting away, but it was me. I felt so tired because of how cold I was. I heard a small sound coming from the staircase... someone was coming up. It was him.

I woke up at about eight o’clock. I got out of bed and put my clothes on and I was thinking about getting out, but he soon woke up. I decided I would make up an excuse as to why I had to go home, hoping he wouldn’t be bothered by it. I told him about my project and said I urgently needed to finish it. He sat up on the bed and said “its ok I’ll take you home now that I have done what I wanted to”. I thought that what happened through the night was just a nightmare. That nothing had happened apart from my head being messed up. I felt so cheap, so worthless. I was in a trance. I couldn’t remember who or where I was.

When I was dropped outside my house, I just walked inside, hoping everyone was ok. All I felt inside me was hatred, not for him or my family. For myself. I was stupid, cheap, dirty… and I am nothing anymore. Ever since this happened, I have still felt that hatred of myself. I still feel worthless and empty, but I am starting to re-build my life and I hope to find happiness one day.

By Tiffeny Alexandra Hill