Martin Kelly
Another fine day in trench, it’s raining and I love it. Over top today for second battalion, lucky them. I know some of them, nice lads too, some of them allies. I’ll do mine duties and stop suffering. There is one guy who is so cavalier and dire in second battalion who I would love to see suffering, he’s going over top today too.
I hate my wife; I prefer to stay in trench. Anything to get away from her. I love seeing people fall and like the sight of blood. I already knew how to use machine gun, I shot tigers you see. I love explosions, watching many a body fly. If any complain about injures, I shoot them in head, no pain see. I don’t care if they’re on my side or not, I just don’t want them suffering. If you is shot and die, I don’t mind, if you is shot and is still alive, I finish you off, co-operation see. I would like to have the same done to me if I were suffering. I wish I could keep this rifle, as I hate my wife. All I want to do is kill her.
Oh breakfast time, coffee and other horrible stuff, e’en my wife could do better than this, and I cook the meals! Still at least it gives us energy (my Hun). Oh, oh, the Klaxon horn, here come the Lufstreitkrafte, best do some ack-ack. Here she comes, there she don’t, ah, here she comes, rifles at the ready………………… Oh, she’s gone into No-Mans Land with a crunch. That must hurt; these planes are so fickle, the one just now were heading for us, he swerved and crashed, bloody militia. Ah well, back to breakfast, it’s not as if we tarried all night. Yuck, horrible coffee, if it is coffee. I’ll complain to my officer, here he comes now, “Oi, Ted, I wanna complain about coffee, you must have used coffee substitute, and sugar substitute, what is this?” “Yes, unfortunately they have both been substituted, the coffee is now filtered mud and the sugar is now dandruff”. “I wouldn’t speak to a mundungus like you if you were the last person on earth, you curpin” and I punched him up the throat.
I hear a plane, seeing as the Klaxon horn hasn’t gone off, must be British, ah yeah it is, it’s a Brisfit, no it ain’t, yeah it is, nah, it’s a Tripehound going to confront Central Powers, no wonder shelling hasn’t been done for a bit, they is not stupid down communications trench. I bet that’s the first and last ‘time we see and hear that plane, and that's on a good day. “Martin!” I ‘heard a voice shout, “Ah, Martin, just the man, the commanding officer wants to see you in his office, NOW”, it were Terry the Terrible being a messenger for Ted, the golter-yeded gawpsheet, all he wants is for me to get into trouble. I’m gonna to smuggle my rifle in, ‘cause if the commanding officer gives me any woe, he is a lifeless man. “Hello sir” “Right Martin, you punched your officer up the throat, is that right?” “Yep” “You are going to have punishment exercise number two, when we get back from here and you won’t be batman….” I shot him just as a shell landed in the immediate vicinity. I’m now rushing out pretending that nouts happened and investigate what’s happened. Nasty, Ted was just getting the second battalion over the top when this happened, bits of shrapnel flying about, nout to be seen apart from Ted looking not quite with it and bits of ladder in out of the ordinary places, like on Ted’s back. I hear someone crying out in pain, poor chap; I’m now running to find a complete ladder to get to the suffering man. I got one, on the parados, what an odd place. I’m shoving the ladder up and going up, nah where’s this man? Oh fumet, I’ve gone up the wrong side, I jump back down and go up the right side, ah here is the man, let me relieve you of your pain. He pleaded against me wishes but I finished him off with me bayonet, it were only a splinter off the shrapnel, but even so I hate people suffering be it insignificant or critical. Regarding the shell, three men have been declared missing and it were friendly fire, the injudicious people six miles behind, what do they thinks theys do’s, or is it because they is not accurate these shell-guns? And another thing why did they shell when the second battalion were about to go over? And what about that plane? The arrayed gits.
