ARRANGED MARRIAGES
We are all familiar with the story: boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, boy and girl get married. For the majority of the western world, this is our ideal image of a great beginning to a perfect marriage. But it is important to realize that while India is very modernized in some aspects, they still keep to the tradition of arranged marriages. Marriages formed out of love AKA "love marriages" do happen in India but it is not the norm. It is an accepted fact that a person's family will play a role in picking the marriage partner. Often the most important aspect is the bond between the two families, rather than the relationship between the couple being married. This tradition has carried into the western world and still undergoes nowadays.
While to many people raised in the west, this might sound odd. It is important to remember that in Indian society an arranged marriage is seen as an act of love. Since marriage is one of the most important decisions a person will ever make and because divorce is not accepted among most Indians, it is imperative that the marriage choice is carefully thought out and planned. How can a young person make such an important decision on his/her own? Instead, the family (usually the parents) look for certain traits in a marriage partner. Some desirable traits looked for in both male and female are: matching levels of education, matching cultures, close parental cities, matching religions, and matching vegetarians/non-vegetarians just to name a few.
Often, this turns into an interview process where photos are provided of the boy/girl in question along with bio-data about his/her life and family. If that meets with approval, arrangements will be made for the parents to meet the boy/girl and their family. Traditionally, however, the bride and groom would not even see each other until the day of their wedding. Today, while most marriages are still arranged, times are changing. There is usually a small courtship period where the bride and groom can meet and talk under the careful watch of a guardian. Also, if either one ...
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Often, this turns into an interview process where photos are provided of the boy/girl in question along with bio-data about his/her life and family. If that meets with approval, arrangements will be made for the parents to meet the boy/girl and their family. Traditionally, however, the bride and groom would not even see each other until the day of their wedding. Today, while most marriages are still arranged, times are changing. There is usually a small courtship period where the bride and groom can meet and talk under the careful watch of a guardian. Also, if either one of the two do not want the marriage, it is likely to be cancelled. Very few families today "force" marriages upon their children. This is called an "assisted marriage".
Even though times are changing and few marriages in Indian families are being arranged, the main reason behind marriage is still not being recognised. What the true basis of a marriage should be, "Love." For a marriage to last, the couple need to feel that strong bond that keeps their hearts combined throughout the marriage period. This cannot be, if the two have never met before, or haven't had enough time to get to know each other. This causes huge amounts of problems between the couple in years to come. The problems are worse if the woman happens to be a young lady. When women are young, they have this urge of independence. They want to be free, chose the career they wish and settle down in their own way. Finding out they are to settle down with a man not of their choice, would cause immense problems to the couple and the parents. The child would probably rebel which would cause family problems, and she would probably blame the husband, saying that he was the reason she lost her freedom. These problems would be a typical situation for a divorce. But divorce, in an Indian family, is looked down on extremely. It would bring great shame to the family name, even if there were valid reasons. Nowadays it is not considered so bad, but still brings the family down in the community positions. Due to this, couples have to stay together. This would mean that any children that are born might not be conceived through love and affection, but through expectations of the family.
Although western societies tend to deride arranged marriages as backward and uncivilized and primitive, there do exist positive aspects. For example, Westerners focus more on the physical aspect of relationships, and are thus obsessed with love, sex, beauty etc. As a result, people get married on these factors and then get disenchanted with each other very easily. The divorce rate in western countries such as the US has skyrocketed over the past 5 years. In contrast, Eastern cultures that practice arranged marriages place far more emphasis on the practical, such as integrity, diligence, ambition, humility, generosity etc. People tend to get married based on practical reasons, and work on building affection later. Its because the primary emphasis is not on love, sex and physical beauty that arranged marriages can be successful, because the spouses get to know each other on a practical level first, looking beyond trivial issues such as beauty or lack thereof. But are divorce rates really a measure of successful marriage? It's true that some couples who are unhappy still stay married, so the prevalence of divorce in the Indian society depend on a lot of factors including the stigma of divorce.
Potential bridegrooms come under close scrutiny for several areas of the matching process. Do they have enough means to support the bride? Do they appear to be men who will make good husbands and fathers? Often, the bride will live with her in-laws after marriage in what is called a joint family. Because of this, the groom's family is also brought under close scrutiny. Do the women of the household seem well cared for? Do they have a big enough house for another person and grandchildren? Does the family have a good reputation?
Potential brides also come under scrutiny by the boy's parents. Since it is a commonly held belief that brides are the embodiment of that family's honour and pride, the girl must be from good family and have good manners. She should be respectable and have no taint on her name. Does she have the makings of a good wife and mother? Does she want to work after marriage or stay at home?
All these factors put together cannot really decide whether arranged marriages should be acceptable but it has been and will always remain a strong tradition in the Indian society. It can go two ways, there are many arranged marriages, which are complete disasters, and there are also many that start out based on infatuation and grow stronger as time passes. But I think that as long as one looks for the right characteristics in a potential spouse, then, arranged marriage or not, it should all work out in the end.
