However, there is a side of me that only your mother and other family members knew about. You may have known about some of the things that I did, and some of the arguments that your mother and me had, but seeing as you were young, you wouldn’t have thought much about them. I have to confess, that I have an arrogant and short tempered personality, but your mum and family would have understood, and they would always forgive me. This was the reason for our successful marriage.
The day that you were born was an even greater day than the day we moved in to our home. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Your presence brought tears of joy to my eyes. I couldn’t believe that I had become a dad, and that I had an even bigger responsibility now that you were born. You brought back memories of my childhood and the dreams that I had of becoming a neurosurgeon. With the help and support from my parents I was able to achieve my goal. From that day on I made sure that I did the best for you and that all your dreams were fulfilled.
Just weeks after you were born, your mother fell ill. The hospital informed me that your mother had problems with the pregnancy and that she could not have any more children. Your mother and I were distraught and to add to our worries, your mother was told that she would have to leave work. The reason for this was that she would have needed regular check-ups to ensure that she could have a long-lived life. The hospital could not let her have too much time off work. After she stopped working, she had more time to spend with you. Slowly you seemed to drift away from me and I felt guilty that I wasn’t doing enough for you. This guilt led to arguments between your mother and I. She would say to me that it wasn’t her fault that she could not work, and that I should take a break from working and have a holiday to think things over. I listened to her advice, and went to live with a friend of mine for a few days. David Stone, who was one of my closest friends, knew where to go and enjoy life. He lived in a five star hotel, which one of the most relaxing places I had ever been to. Unfortunately, I spent one of my evenings in the bar. Before you were born I hardly ever drank alcohol, and even after you were born I hardly touched alcohol, but surprisingly, during the evening I spent in the hotel bar, I got drunk. The next thing I knew, I was being told by my friend that I had a call from a woman named Susan. She said that I had given her my number and I wanted to meet up with her some time. As she spoke I felt sick and ashamed. I had let down my wife and my kid.
My affair with Susan was not really an affair. She was so desperate about having a man in her life that I could not let her feel that I had just led her on. All my life I had been up front with people, and told them exactly how I felt in simple words but somehow, with Susan, all my boldness had gone. I had to let Susan down gently. However this was not an easy task. Susan knew about your mum being my wife and you being my child, but she didn’t seem to care. She would phone me frequently, and a few years later your mother began to suspect something was going on. She would keep on asking me about why Susan rang me so much. It would haunt me that I had cheated on my own wife and child and that unless I did not tell your mother, she would leave me and she would take you with her.
The day I broke the news of my affair with Susan to your mother, will never be forgotten. Her first reaction was to turn her head in horror. I tried to explain myself to her, but as ever, she kept quiet and gave herself a few days to calm down. It was a sign showing that she had forgiven me but she had not forgotten.
Exactly two years after the day I told your mother about the affair, I found myself in a prison cell for murdering her. Those eleven years I spent in prison were the most depressing years of my career. I could not meet my family, other prisoners harassed me because I did not fit in with them, and I ended up learning how to smoke and drink. I had no one left except for you. Grandma committed suicide because she could not accept the fact that I had been found guilty of the murder and Granddad could not live without grandma and he could not take the pain of being lonely. He passed away because of the worry and stress.
After the eleven years in prison, I came back to a world, which made me feel lonely and deserted. All I had left was friends, and even they hated me. I tried to get my life back on track, get back to work and carry on with life. Yet, this proved to be a difficult task. Anywhere I went, I got abuse and death threats. As a last resort, I turned to drink, drugs and wrestling.
I knew that what I was doing was wrong, but at the time, it seemed as if it were the only way I could let go of my anger. I left my job as a neurosurgeon and steadily took up full-time wrestling. The drugs were what killed me, but also kept me alive. They gave me the physical strength to become a wrestler, but weakened me from inside. I became increasingly short tempered and didn’t care what people said as long I knew the truth.
Drugs had become a part of my daily life. From the years I spent in prison I had become more violent. The sort of pain I suffered was unbearable, but I carried on until this very minute. Before I leave you, I would like you to know the truth about how your mother died. It wouldn’t be fair to you if I held back what I knew about the morning of 4 July 1954.
Just before Mr. and Mrs. Ahern left our house, I fell asleep on the couch. After they left, I heard your mum say to me that she was going to bed. Soon after, I was woken by screams. I rushed upstairs, but just as I reached the top, I was knocked unconscious from behind. When I regained consciousness I found myself on the floor, beside the bed with your mother lying on it, battered to death. As I saw her body, the fact that she was dead, started to sink in. I looked around, and the whole room had been ransacked. The medicine bag caught my eye as it had been turned upside down with morphine missing from it. It seemed as if someone had broken in to the house, just for the morphine, but your mother was in the way. The moment this thought crossed my mind, I remembered you and went to check to see if you were safe. On my way to your room, I was knocked unconscious again, but this time from the side. I caught a glimpse of the attacker, and found that it was a woman. When I regained consciousness again, I rushed straight in to your room, to find that the attacker had filled your ears with cotton wool, so that you would not hear anything. I removed the cotton wool and set everything differently to how it originally was. I wanted to invent a story because I felt that the real story I have just revealed did not sound true. However, I want you to know that I did not have anything to do with the murder of your mother.
Will miss you dearly,
Your father,
Sam Sheppard.
