My cousin Tommy and I have an excellent relationship. In a weird way I wish I could find someone like him for me. I am closer to him than any one of my two siblings and felt he would do a superb job at meeting my requirements. Tommy was born and raised in the mid-west and southeastern United States. He moved with his family 4 times between the ages of 9-14 due to his father’s job with Merrill Lynch. Obviously due to the various moves, Tommy constantly had to make new friends while adapting to new places. Tommy was raised by his two parents (whom are married), and brought up roman-catholic. He graduated with a bachelor of arts, and for the past two years has been living in Los Angeles trying to pursue a movie career.
When I asked Tommy to describe his personal ‘being-in-love’ experiences he surprised me by what he had to say. ‘He thinks that he has been in love before, but not for an extended period of time. He claims he never experienced passionate love for more than a short while. He does not think he was in love for the longest and most significant relationship he ha had. Tommy believes he could easily list more passionate and in love experiences if he included the many times he has been infatuated with someone. As he grows older he tries to separate the two, which is sometimes difficult to do when one is in a situation. But still, you know when it's real and you know when a person hasn't given you any reason to be totally nuts about them.’ Tommy’s personal story: “I can remember first thinking I was in love with a girl named Melissa Peterson in the 5th grade. It wasn't love, but she was tall, pretty, and popular and she smiled and talked to me. The more she smiled the more I wanted to be around her. Still it wasn't really love. Then I thought I was in love with a bunch of my older sisters friends beginning around the same age. Probably around my sophomore year in high school I started to fall in love with a friend of mine. Someone who I had built a genuine friendship with first. I remember the love growing with her over time. At one point I was absolutely mad about her. I had to talk to her all the time. I had to see her. I loved, loved, loved everything about her. The way she walked, talked, joked, laughed, smiled -everything. But most of all I loved the way she made me feel about me. She made me feel wanted, important, desired, loved. When you're crazy in love and so is your partner, you both have made one another feel so spectacular that nothing else matters. I can remember meeting another girl who I had a connection with almost immediately. She was beautiful, smart, articulate and really into me. That's what made it die so quickly. We were really into one another in the first few days of meeting and we had almost everything in common, but her attention was overwhelming and it scared me. Looking back on it I realize that I was in fear of what might happen. That's why I bailed on her -because I was scared of getting hurt. Most recently I can recall feeling passionately for a woman I was introduced to with whom I also had an almost immediate emotional connection with. A look between the two of us said everything. I could feel it just looking at her and I felt like she could see right through me. There was no guard up in those moments of looking at one another and in certain moments of our raw honesty with each other, but when our minds took over the bullshit arose. Both equally guilty. She was also beautiful which adds to the allure, as well as my judgment, unfortunately At times I can also recall feeling passionately about someone, but just physically. I could convince myself it was love, but I know it was just lust.”
Later when I asked Tommy to tell me how he knew when he was in love he said that ‘he had to find a balance between his mind and heart to know. He believes if you just go with your heart you might be blind to the situation at hand. However if you just rely on the mind then you are keeping yourself from feeling and you’ll be able to keep yourself out of any relationship. Tommy knows it is real when he can feel a strong connection with the person, and he cares and feels cared in a different way. Tom does claim that he does not believe there is a definitive answer to this question.’
When I asked Tommy to tell me about the first moment when he started to fall in love and what happened, he responded, “ I can remember feeling for the first time that I really needed this one girl. I'd never felt it before. I felt like I had to see her for me. Having her around made me feel good. That feeling grew more and more intense. I can also remember telling her I loved her and then clarifying it for her, "no I really love you." I wanted her to know I wasn't just saying it, but I meant it. I really felt euphoric around her during this period. I wouldn't eat if something was wrong between us. I just couldn't. That's how intensely I felt for her. We never developed much more of a relationship. She ended up dating a friend of mine and I can remember feeling horribly depressed about the whole thing. Our friendship basically disintegrated with that, though we eventually became civil and friendly to one another. But I really, really missed her for a while.”
Tommy’s response to what is the most positive aspect of being in love he said “everything.” ‘He believes it to be the best feeling in the world. He also compares it to asking what’s the best part about ice cream? He doesn’t believe you can answer a question like that because ‘it is all good, and there is nothing better.’ Tommy claims that is where the expression, nothing else matters stems from. He says when you are in love nothing else matters. However he does believe that the negative aspect might be that one spends less time with others that they love and care for. Tom does respond “that the truth is, if you’re in love enough, you don’t care.” Tom believes the other negative aspect is the prospect of it ending. He calls it the fear aspect. Is it going to end? When? Am I going to get hurt.’ These are all negative questions that no one knows nor do they want to know the answer to.
When I asked Tommy to share his thoughts and feelings about being in love, and what his opinions are about romantic love he feels that being in love feeling is great and absolutely everyone alive should get to experience it. He believes that it really lets you know what the great part about being alive is, and everyone ultimately strives for it. He claims romantic love is a good criterion for a long-term partner as long as you're factoring in some other variables, such as: Are you compatible? Can you converse at great length? Is it the type of person you respect and want to be around? If you have those and romance than it's absolutely golden. Tom does believe in romantic love but is not sure if it is a permanent thing. He says that it is up to the people involved to be romantic to one another and keep the feeling moving, going, and growing. Otherwise it will die.
Lastly Tommy would recommend anyone to with the experience of feeling passionate love. He says one must trust themselves and be happy with the person they are before they engage in passionate love.
My second interviewee Jane Tobin, is a histarical woman