Upon arriving at his home, Dave was shocked to hear the very disturbing news that the lift was out of order. Dave considered the words ‘Out Of Order’ to be the most disgusting phrase in England, along with ‘Genital Infection’ and ‘Happy Birthday’. Dave, living at the top of the 30 floor building, was not too pleased to hear this as it meant he would have to climb the 650 steps (which just happen to be so steep that even the most experienced mountaineer would have difficulty with them) before his favourite German program started on RTL - ‘Gesucht Nicht’. He could not understand German, but he did not really mind as it was the only channel left on his TV that still worked. Dave, being a bit tight with his money, had possessed this TV for twenty years. His father handed it down to him after owning it for 9 years. It was a black and white, 9 inch TV produced by an old rental company called ‘Rediffusion’.
As he opened the door to his apartment, Dave spied a £20 note lying restlessly in the middle of his floor. He had a smile on his face so big that he looked like one of those little acid faces you can buy, if you know the right people. However, it did not last too long. For Dave’s pet budgie…had been assassinated. It’s spinal column had been punctured with a small Swiss army knife and it’s eyes were replaced by orange flavoured Tic-Tacs. Dave was devastated. He felt as if someone had just killed his only friend. Which is probably because someone just had. His head was spinning. Not because of the shock, but because of the seven shots of Whiskey he had earlier taken to calm his nerves before his tattoo. He was trying to figure out what sort of evil, neurotic, blood-thirsty, scheming, little misanthrope could have been responsible for such a vile thing. After many minutes of careful consideration, he decided that the only people in the history of mankind disgusting enough to do such a thing were Hannibal Lector and William Shakespeare, who apparently died many years ago. He pondered for a while then decided that he would ask a neighbour if they had seen or heard anything. He ran out of his apartment at colossal speed. He went straight past Mrs Gubble’s door as she was blind and deaf, and knocked on Mrs Diffidence. She opened her door very timidly. After questioning her, she said,
“I think I seen someone banging on your door, climbing in through an open window and brutally murdering your budgie. But I might be wrong. I’ve lost my glasses you see dear.”
“Why didn’t you report it to the police?”
“Well,” said Mrs Diffidence, “I was going to, but I was frightened they would shout at me.”
Dave knew that even the slightest shock could kill her, so he thought carefully on his next two words.
“LOOK OUT!” he screamed at the top of his voice. Mrs Diffidence dropped to the floor making frightening, grunting noises that sounded as though her respiration system was swelling up and smothering her major internal organs. Dave looked at her face using his trained skill of physiognomy and left. No more Mrs Diffidence.
He went back to his apartment and sat down with an extra large pack of cheese’n’onion crisps. For the next 47 minutes, he moped around the house in despair, sulking over what had happened to poor old ‘binnie the budgie’. He resolved this pain by saying that he was going to get revenge, and set off on a mission to find the culprit. To do this, he was going to need money. He went to the bank and withdrew £683.68 from his brother’s account using the cashcard he had earlier ‘borrowed’ and got on the bus to wherever he felt like going. Whilst sitting on the bus, Dave saw a zookeeper chasing a rare pot-bellied Malaysian pig which had escaped from the zoo. He thought this was as good a place as any to get of, so he did. He entered the zoo and questioned the first individual that he came across.
“Excuse me,” said Dave, “have you heard anything of a brutal budgie murder lately?”
“Oink!” came the reply.
“And I thought pigs were intelligent.”
Just as Dave was sitting down on a fluorescent purple coloured bench, he felt a sugar rush coming on. He started chewing on a double, triple, quadruple, king, emperor sized Mars Bar which he had paid £83 for. Suddenly, someone tapped him on the shoulder.
“Excuse me,” said the elderly looking man, “are you Dr Doolittle?”
“No.” answered Dave.
“Oh, I’m sorry. T’s just that when I saw you talking to the animals I thought that…”
Dave knew that if he stayed any longer, the old man would start telling his life story about how 30 years ago, his fiancee nearly died from an in-growing verruca, and how he fought the war for the likes of his kind. He did not want to hear that so he donated his Mars Bar and left while he still could.
Dave strolled off through he zoo until he tripped over a penguin that had gone AWOL. He landed flat on his face and, out of the corner of his eye, saw another £20 lying just inside a lion’s cage. He slipped his hands in, being careful not to get it eaten by the rather hungry looking lion and it’s three friends, and pocketed the money. He was now getting suspicious, as that was the second £20 note he had found. He considered it highly unlikely that he would find any more, but he did not give up hope. At this rate he would be able to afford that blue whale he had always wanted.
He wandered through the bird section and, to his horror, witnessed someone stabbing a parakeet in almost exactly the same place as his budgie had been. Dave knew that this was his budgie’s murderer and sprinted after the delinquent. He rugby-tackled the culprit into a ditch full of mud and noticed a tattoo of a banana on his arm. As he was staring at his arm, the elbow that was connected to the end of it came smashing into his face. Dave lost his grip and the suspect ran away. He got up and set off to find Tony the tattoo guy, knowing that anyone with a banana tattoo would have got it at Tony’s.
He wandered back tot he bus stop and sat down next to a middle-aged man with white hair and red eyes. As Dave looked at the man, he began to get a bit worried. For Dave considered the man to have the face of the Devil. His conscience announced that it was time for a speedy getaway. He ran like a duck dressed as a chicken on it’s way to a fancy dress party, who was lost in a hen farm in the middle of mating season.
He kept up this pace and, by time he got home, decided it was time to splash out on a new pair of trainers.
He strutted off through the town centre and entered the newest shoe shop around - ‘Shoes, Shoes, Trainers And Shoes’. That sounded like an awful lot of shoes but who cares?
“Can I help you sir?” Said the shop assistant with ‘Jennifer’ on her nametag.
“I’m looking for something in black. Something with an air bubble maybe.” Said Dave, trying to look fashionable and in with the times.
“How about these?” Asked the lady as she handed Dave of trainers entitled ‘Super Integrity Pro Shacka-Macka 4000’.
“Wow! How much?” Questioned Dave as he studied the little, greenish-yellow licence plate in the heel.
“Well, they’re a bargain at today’s prices. For example, look at the…”
He was babbling on.
“How much?” Interrupted Dave in a stern voice.
“£89-95”
“Do I look soft, or wha” Asked Dave in his Liverpudlian accent. “I’ll just take these.”
He said whilst picking up a pair of rather cheap ‘trainers’ with a fake airbubble. He paid
the lady the asking price of £4-99 and left the shop. He continued on his mission
to find Tony.
When he reached his destination, he entered the tattoo parlour. Tony was
sitting in his chair wearing a black sweatshirt which was dirtier than the devils toenail. He was filing his nail down with the file on his penknife. Dave went into a dream and it all fell into place. The penknife, the tattoo and the mud-covered sweatshirt. There was just one thing missing.
“Tony,” said Dave, “have you got any mints ? I’ve just been for a curry and my breath smells like an antelope’s inner ear.”
Tony pulled out a box of Tic-Tacs from his pocket and handed Dave a few.
“Thanks” said Dave, as he planned his next move whilst munching on the sweet.
“Hey, would you look at that?”
“And what might that be?” Said Tony as he turned around.
Dave dug deep into his oversized pocket and pulled out a very conveniently placed chloroform soaked handkerchief. He wrapped it tightly around Tony’s nasal area until he dropped to the floor. He sat Tony back up on his seat.
He searched the back room and returned with several piece of long rope. He tied Tony up using various kinds of knots he had learned as a Boy Scout. He used a reef knot, a double knot, a sheep shank not and lastly a fisherman’s knot. He was very good with his knots and as a youngster had obtained a badge for them. Dave looked at Tony. Or what he could see of him. There was rather a lot of rope tied around him. Maybe he was acting a bit melodramatically, but there was no way Tony was going to escape now. He called the police and told them everything that had happened. They took the penknife down to forensics and had it checked for fingerprints and DNA samples of the victim’s blood. After a few weeks, he was charged with 1st murder on several separate occasions. He was sentenced to life imprisonment and when he retaliated, he was held in contempt of court and was therefore fined £365.
After 12 years he was released on probation and had to work 500 hours of community service for the RSPCB.
