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Dave - creative writing.

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Dave "Don't worry Dave, just a little longer." Dave was howling like 'An American Werewolf In London'. Although 35 years old and having just left the army, Dave was receiving his first tattoo. It was a half-peeled, silver-skinned, rip banana on his left ankle. He did not particularly want a banana on his ankle as his friends would probably suspect that he was a bit fruity, but the fact of the matter was he did not have a lot of choice. 'Tantalising Tony's Tiny Tattoo Clinic' was the only place around that would work for �5-95 per tattoo. The only pictures available were designed by Tony's seven-year-old dyslexic daughter. "OK Dave," said Tony, "all finished!" Dave looked down at his ankle. It was as puffed up as Julian Clary. It felt as squishy as one of those little, pink stress balls you can buy which never work. All that happens is you come in from a hard day's work at the conical flask factory, knowing that somebody has been stealing the expensive Pyrex flasks, and squeeze all of your anger into it. After a few minutes, it starts leaking all over your expensive, clean carpet. You try to clean it but it just makes it worse. It starts to spread and looks like a hamster has been sick on your carpet. ...read more.


he screamed at the top of his voice. Mrs Diffidence dropped to the floor making frightening, grunting noises that sounded as though her respiration system was swelling up and smothering her major internal organs. Dave looked at her face using his trained skill of physiognomy and left. No more Mrs Diffidence. He went back to his apartment and sat down with an extra large pack of cheese'n'onion crisps. For the next 47 minutes, he moped around the house in despair, sulking over what had happened to poor old 'binnie the budgie'. He resolved this pain by saying that he was going to get revenge, and set off on a mission to find the culprit. To do this, he was going to need money. He went to the bank and withdrew �683.68 from his brother's account using the cashcard he had earlier 'borrowed' and got on the bus to wherever he felt like going. Whilst sitting on the bus, Dave saw a zookeeper chasing a rare pot-bellied Malaysian pig which had escaped from the zoo. He thought this was as good a place as any to get of, so he did. He entered the zoo and questioned the first individual that he came across. "Excuse me," said Dave, "have you heard anything of a brutal budgie murder lately?" ...read more.


"And what might that be?" Said Tony as he turned around. Dave dug deep into his oversized pocket and pulled out a very conveniently placed chloroform soaked handkerchief. He wrapped it tightly around Tony's nasal area until he dropped to the floor. He sat Tony back up on his seat. He searched the back room and returned with several piece of long rope. He tied Tony up using various kinds of knots he had learned as a Boy Scout. He used a reef knot, a double knot, a sheep shank not and lastly a fisherman's knot. He was very good with his knots and as a youngster had obtained a badge for them. Dave looked at Tony. Or what he could see of him. There was rather a lot of rope tied around him. Maybe he was acting a bit melodramatically, but there was no way Tony was going to escape now. He called the police and told them everything that had happened. They took the penknife down to forensics and had it checked for fingerprints and DNA samples of the victim's blood. After a few weeks, he was charged with 1st murder on several separate occasions. He was sentenced to life imprisonment and when he retaliated, he was held in contempt of court and was therefore fined �365. After 12 years he was released on probation and had to work 500 hours of community service for the RSPCB. ?? ?? ?? ?? ...read more.

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