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Describe a local park

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Extracts from this essay...

Introduction

Describe a local park "Ronaldo!!" shouted Rooney. "Go tackle Sam". Teenagers were running on the grassy land, kicking the ball all over the place, trying to be a professional footballer. Everywhere it was green. Which means no pollution. A boy got tripped over on to the grass. It was calm and peaceful everywhere, no violence could be hunted around. Near the far end of the park, away from the football ground, was a beautiful garden for children to play. Swings, slides, play horses etc. were there. On the swings, a newly built boy was swinging really high and got tripped over and started crying because he got injured badly. Thus, his mother picked him up and first aided him. When you walk pass the tennis court, you can hear people saying "I challenge you for a match". This is what usually happens in my local park.

Middle

It is a paradise on the earth because mostly, you don't find such good parks in London because it is all polluted there. You can find lots of things in the park such as: baseball, tennis and skating courts, cricket and football pitches... It isn't that crowed as well. You can find different people playing different kind of sports or children playing on swings. The grass is cut and layed out stunningly amazing. The branches of trees don't pop out and is cut in really good way so that it looks beautiful and prevents any kind of hazards. You can find different kinds of colourful birds such as: green parrots, colourful parrots, normal bird, etc. People of all age come there to enjoy. Children's' playground is built soft so that if someone falls down, they won't get a severe bruise. You can find a climbing thing there. You have to be a monkey to do that as it is really hard to do.

Conclusion

I want chocolate pudding and chicken legs". This made me really hungry and so, I bought chips and a burger. People give really good comments on the restaurant which shows that the staff keep their customers happy. And this makes the park really good as it contains everything. Finally, in conclusion I think that the local park I go is the best park I've ever seen in England. It is because it meets the needs of everyone. The good thing is that it is big and so, everyone can enjoy the wonderful park. No gangsters come to this park because they go to the park where mostly no one goes so, this is another quality of this park. I also think that this is the best park because everyone can enjoy it and not only the kids. Children to old, everyone has equal right in the park and this makes it really special. Wouldn't you like to have a park like mine?

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Here's what a teacher thought of this essay

3 star(s)

This piece clearly identifies with the purpose - to describe a particular setting. A range of ideas are communicated through each of the five senses, mainly sight - the others are touched upon so could have been expanded further.
The tone is persuasive and not too formal, as befits the purpose.
Slight repetition of points of interest, but clearly structured via paragraphs which focus on different aspects of the setting.
Several language features are used for effect, all of which are carefully selected to engage the reader.
An awareness of the audience is evident. Structural features include direct address and some speech.
Skills include a variety of sentence length, strengthened by a range of - mainly - accurately placed punctuation markers.
Despite some repetition of weaker adverbs and adjectives the vocabulary is varied, and the spelling of each word is accurate.

Marked by teacher Jean Wright 08/05/2013

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