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Describe the scene of a school lunch hall

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Introduction

Describe the scene of a school lunch hall Condensation slides its way down the window, leaving behind it a ribbon of smooth, murky darkness. The sheer suffocating heat and humidity inside suggests the number of drenched bodies seeking refuge from the relentless onslaught of rain. In one corner, a single teacher loses the battle to restrain a group of shouting children and is swamped in a wave of uniformed bodies. Buzzing with anticipation, their instincts triggered by the promise of food, the mass of children charges past him into the canteen. Dragging back some small measure of control, he finally manages to stem the flow and continues to thin out the crowd at a steadier pace with many jealous glances towards the table where several of his fellow teachers lounge, indulging in a few sweet, children-free minutes. ...read more.

Middle

She is clearly used to this type of bullying, and she continues her meal in silence. Finally bored with watching their comments bounce off the girl without effect, the group turn their attention to a table surrounded by an invisible force field apparently coming from its dozen or so occupants. This group seems to reject any lesser being that attempts to come within three feet of their sacred ground. This creates a ring of admirers who look up to the mixture of reputation and charisma within. Those teenagers within this bubble of admiration seem to have no intention of letting any others into the group. Enough gold and fake diamonds to replicate the entire crown jewels covers the same uniforms that seem to repel any similar attempt by any other pupil. ...read more.

Conclusion

For once the whole student body is united in hilarity, all eagerly scanning the three-hundred or more people for the guilty party. The culprit (a minute, year seven boy) stands next to the offending pile of broken china and, as several of the older students begin to whoop, proceeds to flush a deep red as he prays for an escape from the blinding spotlight. Unfortunately, the hole in the ground fails to appear for him as it has failed so many others in similar situations and he is left at the mercy of hundreds of delighted teenagers. Finally, the yells subside, quelled by steely glances from several of the teachers, and they are replaced by the ominous tinny chime of the bell, forcing all the children out into the merciless rain. ...read more.

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Response to the question

This is an excellent Writing to Describe piece, where the candidate opts to describe the events of a school canteen during a brief break period. There is evidence of a very competent GCSE student here, with every indication of a ...

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Response to the question

This is an excellent Writing to Describe piece, where the candidate opts to describe the events of a school canteen during a brief break period. There is evidence of a very competent GCSE student here, with every indication of a good level of description consistent throughout. The candidate utilises many linguistic devices including a plethora of strong adjectives and metaphors in order to describe the event. The essay is also nicely structured, offering readers a seamless transition between perfectly-augmented paragraphs (each being roughly similar size and leading onto one another - the only irk here is the lack of range in discourse markers).

Level of analysis

The Level of Description shown by this candidate is indicative of the highest grade boundaries, achieving much of the mark scheme's targets such as "candidate writes with flair and enthusiasm" and "a diverse range of linguistic devices are used". They can expect to achieve an A* for GCSE for this work. The candidate confidently and effortlessly includes metaphors and similes that do not feel forced or clich├ęd at all, showing the examiner they can use basic linguistic devices for effect, but they then use anthropomorphism (personification) and possibly even pathetic fallacy as they progress, all of which combine to make a very strong essay that makes for a thoroughly interesting read; one that I have no doubt will stand out to examiners even when they have marked dozens of similar essays.

Quality of writing

The Quality of Written Communication here is exception. A wide range of vocabulary has been used and applied appropriately so that the essay remains flowing and coherent. The use of grammar and punctuation is proficient and there is no cause for concern with regards to spelling either. An exceptionally well-expressed essay.


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Reviewed by sydneyhopcroft 17/07/2012

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