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Descriptive essay - Description of a fun fair and guidelines on writing about a football match.

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Introduction

Description of a fun fair It was a scorching hot summerâs day: perfect for a day at the fair. The sky was dotted with a few fluffy clouds that looked like candy floss. The entrance to the fair could be seen in the distance and the long queues edged forward slowly. Customers were becoming increasingly excited and impatient as they took a few steps forward every so often. Faint music could be heard from beyond the tall gates with the occasional happy scream suddenly piercing the air. Closer to the entrance and the massive structures of the rides could be seen: a rollercoaster, a big wheel, a helter skelter.

Middle

Below, younger children stood watching, eating their sweets and snacks. Ice creams wobbled perilously over the cones and dripped down their small fingers as they melted. Some munched on brightly coloured balls of candy floss. The strands dissolved on the tongue and the sweet sugar stuck to the teeth like glue. A few ate too much and complained to their mummies and daddies. Across from the queues for the rides, were the picnic tables, a refuge from the madness. Families, young couples and groups of friends sipped on drinks, applied sun cream or kept a vigilant watch on their children. One harassed mum, struggled as a pack of young wolves yelped and cried around her for a drink, a snack, to go on the tea cups, to go on the big ride, to go to the toilet, to go home.

Conclusion

1. NOW ZOOM IN ON SPECIFIC THINGS AND DESCRIBE THEM IN DETAIL! (AT LEAST 3 THINGS AND 1 PARAGRAPH ON EACH ONE = 3 PARAGRAPHS). EXAMPLES: TWO PLAYERS GOING FOR A 50:50 BALL, HOW INDIVIDUALS IN THE CROWD LOOK AND ACT, FOOD AND DRINK, THE MANAGER ON THE TOUCHLINE, TEAM MASCOTS ETC. AGAIN YOU SHOULD TRY TO INCLUDE SOME DESCRIPTIVE TECHNIQUES (ADJECTIVES, ADVERBS, THE FIVE SENSES, SIMILES, METAPHOR). Descriptive writing as easy as A B C⦠1. Write in the 3rd PERSON (there, he, she, it). 1. Do not tell a story. Once you have finished the 5th paragraph, STOP! 1. When you are asked to use descriptive techniques, donât just write a list of sentences with each of the 5 senses. TRY TO MIX IT UP.

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Here's what a star student thought of this essay

4 star(s)

Response to the question

This is a very competent essay response to a Writing to Describe task. The candidate has kindly posted the guidelines which act as a structural aid for this answer, and there is a good adherence to them. I would argue ...

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Response to the question

This is a very competent essay response to a Writing to Describe task. The candidate has kindly posted the guidelines which act as a structural aid for this answer, and there is a good adherence to them. I would argue this may limit the creativity that could be displayed but if these are set by the teacher as obligatory rules then so be it.

The first paragraph is a promising start, drawing parallels with the event being described and the description of the cloud (likening them to "candy floss"). Clever little things like this are always good in your answer, as they make the examiner think less literally and show them that the answer is carefully and cleverly augmented. There is a good use of a range of vocabulary and descriptive techniques (metaphors, similes, anthropomorphism), but I would like to see a more diverse use of sentence lengths, particularly when describing the rollercoaster - shorter, sharper sentences could really heighten the drama and intensity of such rides, rather than drawing out long sentences with elaborate descriptions, quickfire adjectives and and quickened pace would help the reader feel as if they were actually there.

Level of analysis

The Level of Analysis is not marked here, but Description and Creativity are, so I will comment on these.

The Level of Description is good, and the candidate makes a gallant attempt in light of the rigid structure they had to adhere to. There is a fair use of descriptive writing techniques and the candidate's frenetic energy does come out in some instances, particularly describing the children in the observation with the use of syntactic parallelisms, repetition and triples.

Quality of writing

The Quality of Written Communication is good, especially because, unlike most Writing to Describe tasks, the candidate's writing style does not appear unduly clogged up or as if it is aiming to cram as many adjective and adverbs into the answer as possible, meaning it reads more fluidly than some answer than incorrectly apply the vocabulary. The grammar is therefore perfect; spelling is an issue ans neither is punctuation. Though, is the candidate really wants to show off, the use of more complex punctuation points like semi-colon and colons could greatly enhance the pace of the piece.


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Reviewed by sydneyhopcroft 06/08/2012

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