Descriptive Writing Of A Beach
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DESCRIPTIVE WRITING - FIRST DRAFT The, enclosed, beach is silent. The bright ball blinds you as it emerges; it rises like a yellow lollipop on the distant horizon. Crashing against the shore, small waves wash the night's debris onto the land. Untouched golden sand covers the floor as far as your eyes can see. Soothing, a gentle sea breeze rustles through your hair. Beach shops prepare for their day of excited costumers bustling in and out of their small seafront shops. Opening their doors, they bring out all of there beach products looking out to the sea you can see the large cruise ships on the worlds edge. Abandoned, nothing there apart from a few sea gulls pecking at the rubbish left by yesterday's visitors.
Sandwiches, cold drinks, wind breakers, towels all bagged up and slung over both shoulders. A hot sea breeze rushes through the visitor's hair, as you stand there you can taste the salt in the air because it is so strong. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore, seagulls swooping overhead and the strong scent of sun screen surrounds the beach. The beachgoers spring as their feet hit the blistering sand. Sitting there for hours, playing with the sand; children giggle as their sand castles are overtaken by powerful crashing waves. The sand cushions the landing for a teenager diving to make his shot in the volleyball tournament. Excitement buzzes around the pitch as the ball is repeatedly, majestically played back over the net.
Parents sit there relaxing lazily on the sandy seashore reading their invigorating books. Foamy mist from the ocean lightly sprays onto their face like the touch of a feather. Gigantic sand castles are left standing free, glistening in the sun like diamond rings. Waves are crashing onto land as the distant sun descends like it is sinking into the water. People laugh and giggle as their day come to an end. A muddle of colours in the sky as the sun sets. A young couple sit up on the cliffs edge watching the sun set. Once again the beach is empty with the rubbish of the visitors. The rubbish almost decorates the floor of the beach, different colours shapes and sizes. Lonely and quiet the beach is still and silent. Only the light sound of waves crashing against the soft sand. ?? ?? ?? ?? Jack Plows 10SH 2ND Draft Descriptive Coursework
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Here's what a star student thought of this essay
Response to the question
This candidate's response to this Writing to Describe task is a very competent one that uses a number of descriptive techniques in order to convey the strong imagery of a fictional beach. There is a wide range of linguistic techniques ...Read full review
Response to the question
This candidate's response to this Writing to Describe task is a very competent one that uses a number of descriptive techniques in order to convey the strong imagery of a fictional beach. There is a wide range of linguistic techniques used, including simile, metaphor and personification, though in some parts the impact is lost due to a poor understanding of the needs for commas (comma splice e.g. - using commas when there is no need). I would recommend candidates ensure this does not happen, as at GCSE Level, candidates are expected to allow their descriptions to flourish without being hindered by poor Quality of Written Communication.
Level of analysis
The Level of Description is very good, and shows a candidate indicative of a Grade B for GCSE. The candidate uses a wide range of sentence structures, lexical choices and linguistic devices in order to create the imagery of the serenity of a beach. Throughout the answer there is a good control over adjectives - a few candidates often overload their sentences with complex descriptions that can often weigh-down the sentences and stunt the fluidity, but this candidate remains in control throughout.
As mentioned, the only gripe I do have is the sometimes incorrect application of punctuation. This limits the effectivity of the discourse and the candidate, as stated above, should rectify this.
Quality of writing
The Quality of Written Communication is reasonably good, although again I stress the need to ensure that comma splice does not ruin the impact of the essay, which otherwise is really very good. There is no other cause for concern with regard to spelling and grammar.
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Reviewed by sydneyhopcroft 28/08/2012Read less
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