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Descriptive Writing Of A Beach

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  • Essay length: 581 words
  • Submitted: 16/07/2008
  • Reviewed by: (?)
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GCSE Writing to Inform, Explain and Describe

Peer review rating

4 star(s)

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The first 200 words of this essay...

DESCRIPTIVE WRITING - FIRST DRAFT

The, enclosed, beach is silent. The bright ball blinds you as it emerges; it rises like a yellow lollipop on the distant horizon. Crashing against the shore, small waves wash the night's debris onto the land. Untouched golden sand covers the floor as far as your eyes can see. Soothing, a gentle sea breeze rustles through your hair.

Beach shops prepare for their day of excited costumers bustling in and out of their small seafront shops. Opening their doors, they bring out all of there beach products looking out to the sea you can see the large cruise ships on the worlds edge.

Abandoned, nothing there apart from a few sea gulls pecking at the rubbish left by yesterday's visitors. Empty crisp wrappers, chocolate wrappers, ice cream papers and half eaten cones scatter the yellow sand.

Young children stumble onto the moist sand, with small buckets and spades in their hands, they shout and talk in excitement. Damp sand is forced between their toes. Straight away, the young children put on their swimming costumes and are smothered with thick white sun screen, to protect them from the

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Review of essay

Reviewed by: sydneyhopcroft

Rating: 4 star(s)

Response to the question

This candidate's response to this Writing to Describe task is a very competent one that uses a number of descriptive techniques in order to convey the strong imagery of a fictional beach. There is a wide range of linguistic techniques used, including simile, metaphor and personification, though in some parts the impact is lost due to a poor understanding of the needs for commas (comma splice e.g. - using commas when there is no need). I would recommend candidates ensure this does not happen, as at GCSE Level, candidates are expected to allow their descriptions to flourish without being hindered by poor Quality of Written Communication.

Level of analysis

The Level of Description is very good, and shows a candidate indicative of a Grade B for GCSE. The candidate uses a wide range of sentence structures, lexical choices and linguistic devices in order to create the imagery of the serenity of a beach. Throughout the answer there is a good control over adjectives - a few candidates often overload their sentences with complex descriptions that can often weigh-down the sentences and stunt the fluidity, but this candidate remains in control throughout.

As mentioned, the only gripe I do have is the sometimes incorrect application of punctuation. This limits the effectivity of the discourse and the candidate, as stated above, should rectify this.

Quality of writing

The Quality of Written Communication is reasonably good, although again I stress the need to ensure that comma splice does not ruin the impact of the essay, which otherwise is really very good. There is no other cause for concern with regard to spelling and grammar.

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