The sky bleeds red as the sun creeps over the horizon, like a silent murderer. The red flickers and spreads as it is reflected in the waters of the Pacific Ocean. Seattle is relatively quiet this time of day: Most people are still sleeping. The cool night breeze is getting its final breath of life just before the burning heat of day takes over at around seven o’clock.
Although most of the people are still asleep, you are awake. And you’re taking an early morning stroll along the walkway on the harbor. You take in a fresh breath of the cool summer breeze, and a faint salty taste tickles your tongue. As you walk, the delicate sound of waves lapping at the rocks below fill your ears. The fresh and crisp smell of seawater on wet wood lingers in the air. You sniff it in and smile with delight, as the dreadful memories of the previous night drift away in a warped path as if they were on a crooked boat.
You continue your pleasant saunter and take in the harmonic atmosphere of the beach and the harbor. All is well—Until a man and woman walk past. The man is wearing a black skin-tight shirt and dark pants. His clothing compliments his strong, muscular physique well. He strokes his pointy beard, and then rubs his gleaming, smooth head as he walks by. He inspects you quickly and you see a peculiar glint in his eyes, but cannot make out the emotion associated with it.
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Peer Reviews
Here's what a star student thought of this essay
Quality of writing
The Quality of Written Communication (QWC) is fine. There are a few moments where colons and commas should be used yet a full stop has - "[...] the man and woman standing there. Smiling. (sic)". And there are also moment were comma splice has lowered the QWC mark. A simple re-read and grammar check will iron out these issues.
Level of analysis
The Level of Description is very good. There is an equal concentration on describing smells and sounds as well as sights and this really helps the reader imagine they are in the story. I also like the more delicate nuancing with the foreshadowing of the murder at the beginning, likening the rising sun to a "silent murderer" creates a cognitive connection and sets up the tone for the piece. This consistency is excellent and shows a candidate who know how to create suspense right from the off and continue it through the piece. This is also shown in the contrast of the description, as the protagonist wakes up he describes almost an idyllic setting, but after the fear of realisation that you have murdered a gang boss the same objects are described with more violent metaphors and similes and this shows the transition of mood and tone very well. There is an abundance of short sentences towards the end of the piece which makes the reader read much faster, picking up the pace much like the character in the piece. I would argue that these short sentences might be more effective though, if in some, the "you" was taken out - almost all the sentences began with "you" and it became almost rhythmical and predictable, which naturally goes against what the candidate is trying to achieve.
Response to question
This is a Writing to Describe task in the form of a creative writing piece. The candidate makes an excellent effort in focusing on how to effectively describe an incident. They have used Second Person Address meaning that they are narrating the reader's movements - an excellent technique that gets the reader really involved really fast. There is also evidence to suggest that this candidate is well aware of the other literary techniques required to effectively describe something. The one piece of dialogue is effective inasmuch as it's blunt and suits something a killer might say, but "Don't ever mess with us" seems an odd thing to say to someone who has just been killed; someone who clearly can't take heed of the advice, per sé.
