Computer Essay
Every home needs a computer, or do they? I myself love computers and think we as humans need them, but I do not particularly think every home should need one.
"Computers could be fueling obesity crisis"- Baroness Susan Greenfield.
Lady Greenfield has insisted that playing computers could be infantilising the brain. A child who climbs a tree and falls off learns that repeating this action could result in the same consequence therefore stops doing it but a child playing a computer game and their player goes wrong will just keep repeating th eaction until they suceed. As a result people will overeat or eat junk food excessively without thinking of the consequences of their actions. So in turn this leads to stifled imagination and empathy. Sp parts of the brain that prmote these atributes will not develop properly.
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Peer Reviews
Here's what a star student thought of this essay
Quality of writing
The Quality of Written Communication is poor. Grammar and spelling are generally quite erroneous though it is still possible to understand what the candidate is trying to say. Regardless, it is not acceptable for candidates to disregard such fundamental grammatical standard as apostrophes in word like "dont". The candidate also needs to address how they can accurately use and differentiate between the need for a comma and a full stop.
Level of analysis
The Level of Analysis is broad but fails to be deep. A lot of important requirements of a good argument are present here, though they are misused or not used to a sufficient level that they prove worthwhile. There is a good use of expert opinion though - and this is very important as it suggests external research into those who have strong, professional opinions on the topic of conversation has been carried out. The personal opinion does not necessarily need to be voice so defiantly though, especially as it appear that the candidate is disagreeing with an earlier statement made by Lady Greenfield. This is a fundamental flaw in wake of a poorly structured essay. This candidate needs to revise the way they structure the fors and againsts of argumentative writing, with more focus on other argumentative techniques like repetition, powerful language and second person address, and should not rely so heavily on their own opinions otherwise it is simply not an effective argument.
Response to question
This answer is a response to a Writing to Argue task. The candidate makes a good attempt at focusing and for the most-part their answer focuses well on the topic of computers. A few more arguments could have been brought up though, rather than simply relying on the educational benefits for the supporting arguments and the lack of educational benefits for the arguments against them. It does seem very counter-productive. There are signs that this candidate is aware of the requirements of a good argument and makes a number of attempts (varying in quality) to fortify their argument, though there is simply not enough depth nor quality evident to achieve higher than a low C grade for GCSE.
