Simon does know talent when he sees it, and his one liners and put downs can be quite amusing, “There’s as much chance of you being a pop star or a rock star as me flying to the moon tomorrow for breakfast” has rung in our ears. But does he really only own white and grey T-shirts with all that money? And those blinding white teeth and flat top hair-do are so cheesy. I suppose though, to be fair, at least he has something to say for himself unlike Louis, who only knows one thing in life....and that’s BOY BAND HEAVEN.
But I do love to see two female judges. Oh let the battle of the most designer frock, the most sparkling gems and the highest hair-do commence. Are they really that interested in the acts, or just the status of Queen Bee?
Finally the auditions are over, and phew, we can relax now as it is talent only now we are on to the boot camp stage, apparently. So, yes you guessed it, we watch them perform all over again and find that yes, the contestants are still as rubbish as they were at the auditions, and yes, yet again we are reminded that little Jamie deserves to win because he lost his magic pet goldfish, lovingly remembered as Goldie in a freak drowning accident. Cue the Westlife music and.....You raise me up...!
And now lovely audience of kiddies, grannies and adults with nothing better to do on a Saturday night, that moment has arrived. YES, it’s time for (drum roll please...!) will I make it to the Judges House stage because all I’ve ever wanted to do is perform and I’m doing it for my dead Goldie. Only please don’t let me be in Louis group, the group always ends up in Ireland instead of Barbados!
Judges Houses: the excitement, the pressure, the tears, the remembering all those lyrics, not falling into the pool behind them as they try to inject some drama and emotion into the song. Just how do they cope? They’ve only had a full twelve months since the last series to practice after all!
After months of living every dramatic moment of the entire process, we finally get to the live shows, and we get to see Brian the choreographer shaky his booty, teaching the wannabes how to move....hurrah.
NO! How can it be? Jamie’s hips DON’T MOVE. Ballet lessons required? Repeat: Jamie just jive, Jamie just jive! Yeah baby.
And Dermot appears on stage. He has the results (feel the tension folks will I drag this out as long as possible and cue that dramatic music, whilst we all wait, and wait and wait). And the glorious moment is here! Oh, no. That would be the adverts. Again.
Wait! We’re back and still waiting. Is Dermot’s ear piece broken, a technical problem? No just the producers in the wings like evil controlling monsters of show biz.
AND THE WINNER IS....JAMIE!!!! (I bet Goldie is smiling down from that big fishbowl in the sky) There are cheers, applause, tears, tissue things raining down... a day that will surely go down in history. Not.
Or, is Simon really the winner. I wonder?
