Really I wished I’d gone to Blackpool earlier. It’s the only place I go to take out my stress and relax. That person on duty today said he would give us feed back if Mr Birling said a word about raise but still he hasn’t. He still asks us to wait for some more time so that is what every body is doing patiently. As usual we are back to work with the normal price rate but I’m still certain the company strike is going to push Mr Birling back to his senses.
10/September/1910
The strike did not go very well. It wasn’t because we did not want to, it was because we had just had the summer holidays and we were too broke. So we all went back to the factory at the usual rate. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: that self-centred man. I guess the next thing he would say is, “It’s my duty to keep labour costs down”. That’s what they all say. Why do they always do this? If you are rich the world seems to be on your side and if you’re just a working class person, it is like the world just looks at you like a tramp, a slave. God the things we have to put up with. They said they all wanted to come back because they couldn’t afford anything - neither could I, but I actually think if we’d stayed out longer he would have changed his mind. I really needed the money too I suppose
30/September/1910
there are many reasons why anybody should hate Birling - he’s selfish, unkind, and doesn’t care about nobody else but him self. Came down to our workshop today and personally had us fired from our jobs. His reasons were because we wouldn’t give up and we had too much to say. I suppose we could have just behaved like the others and take the usual rate but now it’s too late. We’ve had to pay for being just a little bit more concerned with the idea that we don’t get enough money for the job we do.
13/October/1910
I had to stop looking after both Mr and Mrs Keen’s children today because Mr Keen is back from his business trip and thought it was all right for me to stop working. So now again I’m in a search for work again. There have not been any signs on the boards asking for any working person. I’ve paid half the rent already to Mr Green - who’s the owner of the little room I sleep in and he said he need the rest before the end of next month. Where am I supposed to go find a job and get some money? I can’t borrow some money because I haven’t got friends to give me money - they are all in need as much as I am. I suppose there will not be any job until after December. I’l1 try asking Mr Green if I can pay in January.
30/November/1910
How could they do this to me? They know very well that finding a job here in Brumley at this time of the year is very hard and where am I suppose to go and stay. I tried to talk to Mr Green, pleaded with him, cried all I could so he would just give me a few more time but he wouldn’t. I have to move out and find some place else to stay. I’m at the front door to Emma’s house and she isn’t home and if s he doesn’t let me in, then there’s no place else to go. I’ll beg her so I can stay with her just till January when I can find a job.
About 10 p.m. - Emma let me in to her house she said just till I get my job. I offered to pay a little amount to help her with the food. I could help her by cleaning the house whilst she was away at work. Emma was managing quite well, more than the rest of us. she was always quiet never getting into trouble and always on her own, and this is how I want to be on my own and managing with anything I have.
1/December/1910
It’s started snowing a little and it’s rotten - even colder. We have a pile of wood at the middle of Emmas’ little room and lit it up it just keeps us warm.
Afternoon: been around all places, looking for job and nothing yet. There were no signs up for vacancy and I haven’t heard anyone talking about a helper around yet. I don’t know where else to go and look for a job. Emma – the person who I’m staying with for just few days is getting a bit impatient with me not being able to get a job but she did say she was going to look out for one for me.
10/December/1910
There was a sign up at Milwards today saying they were looking for an employee. This is the first sign that has been up since September. I went up to it making sure that I wasn’t having eye problems and before I knew it I was inside the building. I was so excited I didn’t even know when I got into the building. Well, I spoke to the assistant there. That was Miss Francis - a rather middle-sized lady - who led me into a hall filled with other people. At first I was really nervous because all I could think was that one of those people were going to get the place not me. After the interview we were all asked to wait there for almost an hour until one of the ladies came in and told us who they felt the job was for and she pointed to me, I was so happy. The other girls where jealous and almost cursed me but I pretended like everything was ok like I was not really interested in the job, but now that I am home I can jump for joy as much as I can. I told Emma and she’s been really happy for me but I promised her that as soon as I can make enough money to pay back the rent at Mr Green’s that I would be out of her house.
12/December/1910
My first day at Milwards was exciting. A new phase in my life. It was very good. it feels so different from all that factory work I’ve been doing. I help Miss Francis to get the clothes if the costumers want them. The money is ok and much better than Birlings. Miss Francis is really nice, she showed me around the place I was going to be working in. She said if I had any problem that I could come to her. It’s good to know that the world is not yet covered with selfish people who only believe in money. We had a few customers today. Miss Francis said that they get more than this amount of people some days when people are feeling happy. - That was why she needed some body to help her because most of the times when she was alone attending to someone the other customers got really upset and were so impatient with her.
Never known people would waste that much money on just little item. Sure they need to look good and take care of themselves but Milwards to me is really expensive. I guess that’s why Emma calls it the rich land.
9/January/1911
This was one of the days that Miss Francis was talking about. So many people in one shop ready to spend as much money as they can. We had several people here today just wanting to get a dress for a night. I don’t see why they can’t use the dress they have on for just one night - I mean it seems pretty enough. Some are wearing harsh jewels and the others are throwing their expensive clothes about. There was hardly anytime to sit and make comments, because there was so much running around to be done. Some dresses I never even knew that Milwards had, but Miss Francis said that most customers order them down for a special night.
EVENING: Milwards is a big change for me. Who would ever think that someone like me was going to be inside a big building like that? I always used to admire it and I still do. I always used to wish I was in such a building and now I am, finally in it working there as an assistant
11/February/1911
The day of the week that I get off work at Milwards. Miss Francis said I could have a little time to myself - to do anything I like, was Miss Francis words. I wonder what every other worker in Milwards does when they have their time off. Well what I’m I going to do today then? The library is a bit too far from the house and I ran out of thread for my knitting three weeks ago. I could clean the house for a while until I’m tired, or I could just sleep f or a little while.
LATER: I’ve gone down to Mr Green’s and paid my rent with the pay I got last week. I still have enough left to last me for the rest of the week before I get more pay. I will be moving back in three days, just to get my things ready.
20/February/1911
Today was not as good as every other day. A lady came in to purchase a dress with her mother I should think. She wanted to buy the dress but her mother didn’t want her to buy it however she insisted. She asked me to get the dress, which she wanted and I did. I got the dress, which her mother was certain she shouldn’t buy. She wanted to see the length of the dress and asked me to put it next to my self although I’m taller than she is. I did and she was smiling, I think she knew it was going to suit her. She was quite pretty - it looked like she was the kind of person who suits dresses like that.
She put the dress on and it was amazing the way she looked, I couldn’t stop staring at her and smiling, and the dress was so beautiful. Then all of a sudden she suddenly stopped smiling and stormed out the room with Miss Francis. All I could hear was her voice and few minutes later I heard the door slam behind her for some reason I had the idea that she had left. Miss Francis walked in to the dressing room. She didn’t look good. She was a bit upset and was red too. She refused to say anything or smile after then, her only words were that the lady who just came in was a regular customer and she could make anything happen.
21/Febuary/1911
Mr Squad, the manager of the shop, called me into his office today. He looked really upset. When we got in he told me he was sorry that he had to do this but he had to. I was fired - I can’t believe it. I guess it would have been that lady of yesterday because I remember Miss Francis words that she was a regular customer. She got me fired for what I don’t know. What exactly did I do? He couldn’t have asked me to leave with out telling me what is happening. It’s really sad to leave Milwards. Everything is going to change once again. It shouldn’t be that hard now that it’s February to get yet another job. This is the season when people usually want help and they put signs up.
It’s still cold looking outside the window and I don’t see any signs from where I am right now. I’ll go out in the morning and check around.
4/March/1911
I am destroyed by the words I just heard from Emmas’ mouth. How could she say that to me? She knows how angry and upset I get when I hear these things. She knows I’m really religious and I couldn’t bring myself to do these things that she says.
How could someone want to go to hell so quickly? Some times I wish I never had a friend like that. All she said was “I’m sorry Eva. If you don’t take this offer then you will have to move out my house and stop asking me for money because I have difficulty even feeding myself”. I would not be able to forgive myself again. Not even God would be able to forgive - it feels like this is a curse. I now had a choice to take it or leave it but I need it, I need money. I can’t stay with Emma for the rest of my life. The way things are going, I don’t think there’s going to be any more job offers for a while.
Mother will bee furious with me. She will ask me if I were mad. Daddy would say ‘I’ m ashamed of you. Was that the only thing you could think of ; being a prostitute?”
10/March/1911
I don’t know what to do. Emma has decided to take me there - she said just for a night - so I can see how things work. She showed me to a pile of clothes today and they looked like they’d been torn apart. This is the night that I find out almost everything about Emma. All this time I was thinking she only worked in a factory but she doesn’t and the clothes she wears!
I had to put on one of those and wear a dress on top - she said we didn’t want the whole town knowing that we were prostitutes, and I told her for the last 50 times that I’m not a prostitute and I don’t like the word. Before we left we had to figure out a name. She says every one there has a fake name. It took us time to go through all the pieces of papers round the little room Emma has: we looked at labels and beds and every visible thing that we could see. Then by the road side we found a daisy which Emma said she liked. She thought it was a very good name. She didn’t think any one had that name in Brumley. In Brumley it was like every one knew everyone even you knew who your worst enemies name was. She said that no body would ever think of having such a name not even the upper classes and most of the working class were either too shy or too annoyed with the name to have it.
We were late to go to where she worked. It was a bar. The Palace Bar I think it was called. There were so many other women there and there were men who had money to waste where drinking and flirting around the women. It was horrible. She said I should accept it as my first training night and I was going back with her tomorrow. I was scared. I couldn’t stand the feeling of the men around me. I cried all night and I couldn’t stop. Emma had gone away with some one and I was left there alone. I had to run away.
I’ve taken my clothes off and I’m resting. I’m going to sleep now. I’m cold and tired.
13/March/1911
I don’t know how that stupid girl managed to get me back to that to that same place but it felt so bad. Until I saw him. The one who saved me from an old person who had an obscene carcass just wedging me at the corner not letting me through. Men had come to me but I’d not agreed to go with them because I was still scared but when Gerald who helped me came around I couldn’t say no because he had just rescued me.
He took me out of the bar to a hotel and got them to make me food. We talked for a long while. I told him I was Daisy Renton although I was tempted to tell him the truth but I couldn’t .He asked me about my self and I told him all that was needed to be said. He said he didn’t usually go there but he wanted to see how it was like, He was kind to me. I felt better when telling him all he wanted to know. I felt he was like a friend although I was really not comfortable at first because I didn’t know if that was what happened before they decide d to take your clothes off. He became a friend after an hour of that night, but I didn’t know what I was supposed to do since he was an upper class middle aged man. I was just a working class, I didn’t know if I was allowed to speak to him like that but he seemed alright about it, he looked like he needed some one to talk to too. He said he would like to see me again! He looked like he was serious or maybe he was just playing around. He could do that. He told me he was Mr Gerald Croft! He didn’t look like he was the owner of the hotel, so I guess he isn’t. He could have just been the owner of the factory Crofts Limited but I doubt that is his - he looks too young. Maybe he was serious. Maybe he did want to see me again.
15/March/1911
I met Gerald again today. He was very pleased to see me as well as I was pleased to see him. Emma said I should tell him about me not having a place to stay and that most rich men who are really interested in a young lady usually find solution. I didn’t want to trouble Gerald with my problems and in fact I thought it was too early to start complaining but I couldn’t help it. It came out all at once and besides he said he could tell that something was wrong from my attitude. Then he told me he had a friend who was travelling abroad an d had given him the key to his little set of rooms in Morgan Terrace and he wanted me to move in. after a few minutes of me saying I didn’t want it I finally gave in. I had to, it was like a way through my pain. At least I would be out of that stupid little back room for a while. He also gave me money.
18/April/1911
Gerald comes every day. I like him so. He’s one man who doesn’t care if I’m lower or upper class - he still cares. We’ve been closer than usual. He said he wasn’t the owner of Croft’s limited but his father was but I wasn’t planning on asking him if he could get me a job there. That would have been rather rude and he’s helped me enough. Every time he comes he’s always giving me money.
He told me he cared for me and I couldn’t hold myself back. I had to say it to him that I was in love with him, I cared for him and I think he was surprised. We made love every night he came and he was just like a good friend. He never says anything else about his family but he was so interested in mine. I told him about mother and father and he was really sorry but I had to cut it off before any tears could come down my checks. I just said that I didn’t want to talk about it. Gerald makes me laugh and smile whenever he’s around. He really cares and I am certain about that
28/July/1911
I will be moving out of these little rooms soon and I have no money to pay for a place to stay and no job. Should I go back to the Palace Bar? I know I promised Gerald but I need to work for myself. I can’t stay in this room for how many more weeks and when I do leave I’m still going to have to look for a way to get another job.
I can’t forever be a temptation to Men. It’s a sin, like a big crime. There’s no other place to get money from or to work. I would ask some of my friends to help me with some money before I can work and pay them but they too need their money. They’d probably tell me to go and work for myself. Every one has their own situations, every one needs money to help themselves out, but what if you couldn’t get the money? Then you’d have to go start prostitution and right now it seems like my only option
19/August/1911
Gerald came last night and told me about the trip. He didn’t tell me where he was going but there wasn’t any much point. He sounded like he had something else to say but I couldn’t let him. I was flooding down with tears and he was trying to tell me it was all going to fine. We both know that nothing is going to be fine. He is the most important person in my life and now he was just going to walk off and leave me alone again, with no parents and hardly any friends. He gave me some money. He said it was to hold me together before I could find a place to stay and said I had to move out too. I know it isn’t his fault. We both know the reasons why it would never work. It is almost like a rule, an upper class man should have a high-class lady. It would be a shame to him if we were to be seen together.
10/September/1911
Gerald left this morning and left some more money for me. I can’t stay here. I have to move out now and maybe pay for a lodging somewhere. I want to travel to Blackpool just for a couple of days until I sort myself out. Mother always said that a lady needs a memory to hold on to. This is the only memory I have to hold on to. I need to go someplace quiet far away from all my worries and trouble and then come back after some time. This time of the year I’m sure the train ticket is not so expensive.
2/November/1911
I found myself sitting in the Palace Bar yesterday. I didn’t know what I was doing there all of a sudden. I had some how pulled the courage to convince my self I was going to go last night and when I got there it was like I came back to my senses. When I attempted to come back to the lodging a young man saw me and asked if I wanted a drink - then I realised I was already in and I couldn’t get out. He was one of the men just sitting there drinking he was a bit squiffy and looked some how young. He talked to me for some time. Then I wasn’t feeling all right with the atmosphere and wanted to go home but he followed. He came in with me – I didn’t mean to let him in - it wasn’t my fault - he was turning nasty and I was scared so I let him in. He asked me few questions after having had sex with me. He said he wanted to see me again. I couldn’t say no, I was in no state to say no.
16/November/1911
This was the day he said he wanted to see me. When we met he was much better this time, not half as drunk as he was last time. We talked more than we did last time. He told me his name was Eric Birling. I see it’s another one of the Birlings. I hope he’s not as bad as his father - very strict and high tempered. I didn’t want anything more to do with the Birlings but it was my job for money. He looked like some one who was into drinking a lot except some how he didn’t do as much this time, maybe because he wanted to talk more. We came back to the lodging and talked some more but he didn’t go home and I had no right to tell him to leave.
10/December/1911
I don’t know what is happening to me, but I’ve been feeling dizzy and sick all day. I’ve asked few people what they think is wrong because I can’t afford to go to the doctor and most people said that it was a sign that some one was pregnant.
I’m certain I’m pregnant because I haven’t had my period this month. It’s gone on for too long and I think its Eric’s. It must be Eric’s because he is the only person I’ve been sleeping with. I don’t want it to be his but there’s no other person. If I tell him, he’ll probably deny it and say I was lying and that would make me even scared. I don’t want Eric to be the father. It wouldn’t be right for either of us if we were together or if his dad knew I was pregnant by him. His family would not be happy. He is old enough to be married but I can’t do it. I can’t abort it, it’s too dangerous and I don’t want to be a single parents either. How am I supposed to cope alone with no job and no money? I have to tell him and let him do something about it. he has to be part of it.
1/January/1912
I had to tell Eric last night I wasn’t certain at first in the morning but then after I had been throwing up so much, I realised I had to tell him. I didn’t want him to be the father but I had to make him know. He said he wanted to marry me, but everyone knows that it wouldn’t be good and it wasn’t right.
He tried to give me more money but last night when he was a bit squiffy, he said something that made me think that he has stolen the money and this made me reject it.
1/February/1912
Emma said she had heard of a helping committee with Bromley’s women, which most people went to for help and advice. She knew someone who had gone there before and was helped. She said they were good and you didn’t need to pay. I think everything will be sorted out. My aim is to ask them for advice. I would be glad because at the moment I am scared for my baby. When the baby is born I would not want him /her to go through this kind of a life. I know this is the wrong time for me to be pregnant.
3/May/1912
7/March/1912
Outside the committee building is beautiful and big but the working class people were moved to a dirty corner filled with dust. There are so many people here that I guess I’m not the only one who needs help. A few people are sitting on the floor including me. Most people that came through the door weren’t exactly happy – only a few of them were- I guess that meant their claim didn’t go through. It’s my turn to go in now
LATER…What was I thinking of? Why did I say I was Mrs Birling! Mrs Birling runs the committee. I knew I should have thought of a name before going in there. Mrs Birling wasn’t exactly the nicest person I’ve ever met. She refused to help me, she should have known I had made a mistake but no she didn’t want to hear anything more of what I had to say. Now who’s going to help me?
20/April/1912
I can’t go through with it, not alone, I couldn’t be a single parent as well as looking for a job and a place to stay. It’s too miserable and so sad. How can I live a life that is not worth living?
I could jump off a cliff or drown my self but I don’t feel I could go through with it. Using a knife would be too painful and I couldn’t stand still to see a tram run over me. It doesn’t matter whether I die or not, or what I die from because no body is going to notice. I pray that God gives the Birlings their just reward.
I’ve chosen to poison myself by drinking cleaning fluid. It maybe painful but it should be quick and I will not be able out back out of it. I can feel the acid going down me. I have just few minutes before it starts working. I pray that my child can forgive me as well as God. At least I’ll be going some where I wouldn’t have to go through this labour.
The pain is really sharp, it hurts, and it’s getting worse. I can’t scream. It hur…
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