Eva Smith's Diary
29th September 1910
I hate Mr. Birling! The only secure job I've ever had with a frequent income and what does he do? Fires me, and why? All because I asked for a petty shillings and sixpence more than I was already earning. Pathetic. And of all the cheek... he let everyone else go back to their jobs at their old rates but accused me of being a ringleader and told me to never ever go back.
Well... I'll never set foot in that place again. I may even have to go on the streets because I cannot afford to pay the rent on my flat. But I'll adjourn the situation for a few weeks and see if any other vacancies for jobs crop up, wish me luck.
3rd October 1910
I can't believe it. Today has been one of the worst days, in fact the worst day of my life ever. I never thought my Dad would give up, but early hours of this morning the pain in his chest became unbearable for him. He took an overdose of his medication, which finished him off. I don't know what I'll do without him. I'll miss him so much, he was the only family I had left. And to top that, he never wrote his will, so all his money goes to charity and all he had left gets auctioned next week. I desperately need to sort out my life.
20th November 1910
There has been nothing new happening over the time expanse I haven't written about, so I guess that's that really.
2nd December 1910
Everyone I know, which isn't actually that many people, has fallen ill with the good deal of influenza being spread around, but all in my favour really! A few of the staff at the high class clothes store, Milward's, have had to resign due to catching the flu. So they're looking to recruit new shop assistants. I'm going to go for an interview tomorrow. Please God, give me luck!
3rd December 1910
Well, I went for my interview and... I got the job! Thank heavens! I start tomorrow morning, I'll have to write how it goes. It should be great working among all the pretty dresses and hats, it'll make me feel like a proper girl for once.
4th December 1910
Today has been absolutely excellent, best day in a few years I would say. I really enjoyed myself. I made friends with 3 other assistants; Daisy Renton, Elma Francis and Arianne Goodman. We all went for coffee at Elma's after work, great laugh it was. For the first time I feel things might finally work right for me, and oh how I hope they do.
30th December 1910
My life is still normal as of yet. Work is better than ever, I even got a raise last week. I hope my luck is set to carry on along these lines, but I'm probably wrong, I'll be in for a bumpy ride of life again soon... no doubt about it.
9th January 1911
Yup, my predictions were right. A customer named Miss Sheila Birling, a rather stuck up sort of character, came to shop at Milward's today. She was trying on a hat when, all of a sudden, she flew off ...
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30th December 1910
My life is still normal as of yet. Work is better than ever, I even got a raise last week. I hope my luck is set to carry on along these lines, but I'm probably wrong, I'll be in for a bumpy ride of life again soon... no doubt about it.
9th January 1911
Yup, my predictions were right. A customer named Miss Sheila Birling, a rather stuck up sort of character, came to shop at Milward's today. She was trying on a hat when, all of a sudden, she flew off the rails completely. Me and Elma were reliving our antics from the previous night on the town, obviously having a giggle as us girls do, when she flew up from her seat, accused me of laughing at her and refused to ever shop their again unless I was removed from the staff team at once. Well, I felt so small and what other option did they have? I got shown the door to my job and my flat. I don't think I'll ever have a straightforward easy life.
21st January 1911
I have lost contact with all my old workmates. I have decided to take on a whole new persona. I'm sick and tired of being plain old Eva Smith, with no job and no money. I'm going to put my effort into creating myself a future. Maybe get married, have a nice house, a few kids. But all I can do for now is dream. And find a new name, new look, and a new life.
1th February 1911
I heard today that Daisy Renton had been promoted to assistant manager at Milward's, earnt a fair amount of money, when I say fair I mean more than I'll ever have, and emigrated out to New Zealand with her new fella. So that can be my new name, Daisy Renton. All I need now are the other trappings required for me to take on a better quality of life.
2nd March 1911
I thought I'd try the stalls bar in the Palace Variety Theatre tonight for work. There were hard-eyed, dough-faced women there who'd blatantly been on the game a while, I was rather scared because I wasn't like them one little bit. I know it's dirty and unhygienic, the prostitution I mean, but it really is my last resort. If I had a proper job it's the kind of place I wouldn't be seen dead in, but it's money. Towards the end of the night I really began to detest the place. A fat old man called Joe Meggarty, who was half-drunk and goggle-eyed, wedged me into a corner. He had an obscene fat carcass of a body. It was the worst feeling in the world.
Out of the corner of my eye I caught a glimpse of a smartly dressed young man looking at me, wondering whether to help me or if it was best he didn't. I shot a glance at him that said 'Help... Please?'. He then came over and told fat old Joe Meggarty that the manager had a message for him. That soon got him out of the way. A feeling of relief swept over my body. He told me that it was for my own good that he got me out of there. I didn't hesitate one single little bit, anything to get me out of that wretched place.
He offered to take me to the County Hotel for a drink or two and to have a little friendly chat. We arrived and I got a whiff of the mouthwatering smell of the kitchens as soon as we entered the main hall. Of course I didn't mention the fact that I was extremely hard up and absolutely starving. When the waiter came we ordered our drinks, I asked for a port and lemonade and Gerald, that was this wonderful man's name, ordered some other concoction.
We chatted for a while, mainly about myself as he seemed really interested in what I had to say. I told him about the trouble I'd had with jobs, money etc. but one thing I didn't talk about was my past. I thought it best for him not to know. Then I made a huge mistake, I said that I was really hungry but couldn't afford a proper meal. How could I be so stupid as to let it slip out? But to my astonishment, he called over the waiter and ordered him to cook me whatever I wanted, so I ate until I couldn't eat another bite. At the end of the night we went our separate ways. Deep in my heart I am praying we meet again soon.
4th March 1911
It's a miracle! I bumped into Gerald again today outside the Palace Bar. I looked extremely rough as I don't have a home to go to, and I think Gerald noticed this too. He took me by the hand and led me to a little set of rooms that he'd been left in charge. He then handed me some keys and said I was welcome to stay as long as I liked. I hugged him, I am so grateful to him. He's given me some money to keep me going on my way, but yet he asked for nothing in return. Strange.
4th June 1911
I have been staying in these rooms at Morgan Terrace all spring. Gerald has been coming on frequent visits and he is still setting me up with cash. Perhaps things are beginning to run smoothly. I suppose I have become Gerald's mistress, although we cannot be wed because we are of different class but I don't care. For once in my life I'm happy, yet I have a slight feeling that Gerald doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him. But maybe I'm just thinking of things to go wrong!
4th September 1911
I thought things would go downhill again. Gerald told me that he had to go away on business for several weeks, I knew he was going to end it... and he definately did that. I was very gallant about it all so he didn't feel that I was too hurt. I knew it couldn't last but I longed that it could. I didn't blame Gerald at all. I didn't want to take any more money from him, but he insisted that I thought of it as a parting gift. I now have enough to see the year through, and have decided to go away to some seaside retreat for a while to reminisce on the good times me and Gerald had had together, just to make it last longer. I feel there'll never be anything as good for me again... ever.
5th November 1911
I have just arrived back off my travels. I decided not to write of my vacation as I only wanted to sit, think and remember. I went back to the Palace Bar, hoping that I'd get to see Gerald, but instead I ran into a different young man of the same class as Gerald. He was rather squiffy but offered to buy me a drink, so I felt obliged. By the time we had to leave he was pretty much drunk. I must admit, I was rather light-headed myself by that point too. Well... I couldn't expect not to be as I'd hardly eaten all day.
When the night came to an end he insisted on walking me home. I was a bit wary at first but I suppose I was very vulnerable as I have longed for male company since Gerald left. I don't feel I did anything wrong, yet he threatened to make a scene if I didn't let him come up. So I guess I had no choice.
He began to move closer but this made me feel apprehensive and uncomfortable as I didn't want to involve myself in another situation like I did with Gerald. It would crush me again when, or if, i broke down. He was coming on a lot stronger after we'd had another drink at my place, so strong in fact that I couldn't push him away. I had such a low opinion of myself that I just let him have what he wanted.
I can't believe myself sometimes. What I did was a big mistake, I mean I could be pregnant for all I know. I just hope to God I'm not. I could no way survive with another mouth to feed when I can hardly manage to feed myself.
9th November 1911
I went to the Palace Bar again hoping to find this young man again. Suddenly I saw him. We walked back to my place for the second time and talked for a while. He told me his name was Eric Birling and that he worked for his father's company. A feeling of hatred passed through me. His family had made my life hell for the past year, but overall I suppose that's not his fault.
Then things go rough again. He forced me into the bedroom and made me make love to him again, I felt hurt, used and dirty. My perios was also due yesterday but I'm late coming on. This morning I was sick too, morning sickness. I'm pregnant.
23r d November 1911
Eric came round first thing this morning. I broke down and told him everything. He was in a state with himself over it too. He told me he would marry me but I didn't want him to because he obviously doesn't love me. If he did he would never force me into bed. He gave me enough money to see me through instead. But I said I wanted nothing more after that and that I didn't want to see him again. So that's the last I'll be seeing of Eric thankfully.
3rd December 1911
I went to that Brumley Women's Charity Organisation today. I appealed for help. I'm a single pregnant woman and can't afford to live. I said my name was Mrs. Birling as that was Eric's surname. It was then, and only then, that I realised that that was the chairwoman's name. That had probably been what prejudiced her against my case. She didn't like the way I'd used her name so she used her influence to have my plea for help refused. She told me to go and look for the father of my child because it was his responsibility.
Well that was the last straw. I am in the world alone, friendless, almost penniless, desperate. I can't cope with anymore rejection. It's obvious that no one cares for me, the world will be a better place without me. So I am going to leave to a better world. Goodbye hurt. rejection and confusion, find another victim.
