The reason the marriage is important is that it provides a framework in which two people can live and grow together and have a family. Trust and faithfulness are vital ingredients of this partnership. Scripture gives us many examples of faithfulness. For example in Genesis 2:24 it says:
“ That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one.”
This shows that getting married means leaving your own family to start one of your own. You have to be completely committed to your partner and be aware of the fact that as a married couple you are expected to at some point in the future bare children. An indication of this is given in A Catholic Catechism:
“ The union is a source of a permanent protection for the two partners and offers shelter and security for the children who may be born to them.”
If you are married it is not right to have a sexual relationship with another person. It is your free decision whether you do this or not but such actions disrupt the marriage. The person is guilty before the marriage partner, because the promise to be faithful is broken, before the children, because the protection necessary for them is endangered, before the community, because harm is done to a situation that is of importance in life. This is told to us clearly in Exodus 20:14:
“ Do not commit adultery.”
There is also some very clear teaching on adultery in Matthew 5:27-30:
“ But now I tell you: anyone who looks at a woman and wants to possess is guilty of committing adultery with her in his heart.”
This is telling that we have to be totally committed to our partners the thought of having another relationship should not even cross our minds and if it does we should think very seriously to what we want from our relationship and to whether or not we are treating our partner with the same love and respect they are treating us. The bible gives us an indication of this in 1 Corinthians 7:3:
“ A man should fulfil his duty as a husband, and a woman should fulfil her duty as a wife, and each should satisfy the others needs.”
This whole passage is giving instructions on how to be faithful. It is saying that is all very well for a man to remain single but it would probably be better if they did marry and be committed to one partner as then the temptation to sleep around would not be there.
Christ showed the utmost love for the church by giving himself up for her. Married couples should be this faithful to one another and be prepared to give their life for the other. An indication of this is given in Ephesians 5:25:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her…”
To show that faithfulness is very important there are many things within the marriage ceremony itself that represent this. The rings are very significant; they represent ownership, the fact that the couple are giving themselves to one another. The fact that the shape of the ring is a circle shows that marriage is everlasting and nothing should be able to break it apart. Usually the rings are made from a precious metal (gold, silver, platinum) this shows that marriage is a gift from God and should not be taken lightly. At some point in the ceremony the man usually hands over a metal coin this symbolises the man handing over everything he has to the woman. The woman is led up the aisle by her father and then is handed over to the man uniting them as one. The questions that the priest asks the couple individually help them to understand the responsibility they are about to accept and declare publicly that they fully understand the commitment.
In a Catholic Wedding the priest asks the bride and groom the 3 questions of the Declaration of Intent. These are:
1. “ Are you ready freely and without reservation to give yourselves to each other in marriage?”
2. “ Are you ready to love and honour each other as man and wife for the rest of your lives?”
3. Are you ready to accept children lovingly from God, and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his church?”
These questions emphasize three things about the importance of marriage; marriage is about sharing your life completely with your partner, it is about deepening your love for the person you have chosen by making love, and it is about having children and caring for them, as God wants.
Marriage is a covenant. The vows made form an agreement between the man and the woman, and between the couple and God.
Marriage is a sacrament. This sacrament shows that God’s love will be effective in their love for one another. Their union in marriage becomes a sign of the union given by God. Examples of God being involved in their relationship are shown in John 13:34:
“ And now I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love on another.”
And John 14:23:
“ Jesus answered him, ‘ Whoever loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and my Father and I will come to him and live with him…’ “
It is important for all marriages to undertake both practical and spiritual preparation. Marriages often break up because people have either no idea or an unreal romantic idea of what a marriage involves. Practical preparation such as financial affairs or sharing of domestic jobs is important but spiritual preparation is probably the most important. For a Catholic this might involve a pre marriage course run by their local church where couples learn about the church’s teachings on marriage, love, responsibility and personal morality.
The ceremony itself is also of vital importance, everything has it’s own symbolic meaning. A church is a holy building so having the ceremony here with a priest symbolises God’s presence amongst the community if faith. The decorations, flowers, music and special readings all represent the fact that a wedding is a celebration, a special and joyous occasion with enormous spiritual significance. The giving or presents to the bride and groom symbolises sharing within a Christian community and the white dress worn by the bride ideally symbolises her purity and virginity and that she is living by the Christian ideal: no sex before marriage. When the couple give each other their wedding rings it is meant to be the symbol of two things, the promises that they have just given to one another and the belief that marriage cannot be ended except by death, just as a ring has no ends. The marriage vows themselves are usually considered to be the moment when the couple actually become married. Each of them says to the other in turn, something like this:
“ I . . . . . . do take thee . . . . . .
to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband,
to have and to hold
from this day forward;
for better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health
to love and to cherish,
till death do us part.”
In the Orthodox Church Holy Matrimony is one of the Mysteries in which the Holy Trinity unites a man and woman. The marriage ceremony in the Orthodox Church is steeped in ritual and symbolism. Each of the acts has special meaning and significance. The rings are blessed by the priest who takes them in his hand and making the sign of the cross over the heads of the bride and groom, says: “ The servant of God … is betrothed to the maid of God … in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” The couple then exchange the rings, taking the brides ring and placing it on the grooms finger and vice-versa. The rings symbolise betrothal and their exchange signifies that in married life the weakness of the one partner will be compensated for by the strength of the other. The Wedding service begins immediately following the Betrothal service. The bride and groom are handed candles, which they hold throughout the service. The candles symbolise the spiritual willingness of the couple to receive Christ. The right hand of the bride and groom are joined when the priest reads the prayer that beseeches God to “ join these thy servants, unite them in one mind and one flesh.” The hands are kept joined throughout the service to symbolise the ‘oneness’ of the couple. The service of the Crowning, which follows, is the climax of the Wedding Service. The crowns are signs of glory and honour. The bride and groom are crowned as king and queen of their own little kingdom, the home – domestic church, which they will rule with the fear of God, wisdom, justice and integrity. The reading of the Epistle and the Gospel follows the service of Crowning. The Gospel reading describes the marriage of Cana of Galilee. Here Christ converted water into wine, in remembrance of this blessing wine is given to the couple. This is called the ‘common cup’. It symbolises the mutual sharing of joy and sorrow, it is the token of a life of harmony. The drinking of this wine serves to impress upon the couple that from that moment on they will share everything in life, joys as well as sorrows. Their joys will be doubled and their sorrows halved, as they will be shared. The priest then leads the bride and groom in a circle around the table on which are placed the Gospel and the Cross. The husband and wife are taking their first steps as a married couple, and the Church, in the person of the priest, leads them in the way they must walk. Their walk symbolises the fact that the way of Christian life is a perfect orbit around the centre of life, which is Jesus Christ. The couple return to their places and are both in turn blessed by the priest.
In attending this Mystery the congregation are asked not only to witness the marriage of two people but to also add their prayers to those of the couples, so that God will bless their life together.
A marriage validly contracted can, according to the teaching of the church not be dissolved, however according to civil law it is possible. If husband and wife separate it is very hard for all concerned. The Church maintains the words of Jesus in Matthew 19:6:
“ What God united, man must not divide.”
So, even in the case of separation, the marriage validly contracted remains; no church remarrying is possible. However the church is bound in whatever, in whatever way it can, for the sake of the gospel, to support those separated.
In the eyes of the Catholic Church divorce and remarriage are wrong whatever the circumstances. An indication of this is given in Mark 10:11-12:
“ Whoever divorces his wife and marries another, commits adultery against her; and if she divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”
The church maintains that if the first marriage was valid then the second cannot be. The second marriage would contravene God’s law. Consequently they cannot receive communion or take on certain ecclesiastical responsibilities for as long as the situation persists. In the marriage vows couples promise to love, honour and obey each other ‘till death do us part’.
The Anglican Church believes that it is important to put a clear distance between the new marriage and the old: a distance of time, of local setting, and of relationship. Time is needed to recover emotional stability and good judgement and it is necessary to make sure that the former partner is ok with the new relationship. In this situation it is up to the partners, whatever advice they take, to decide whether to marry. However it is also for the church to decide whether the marriage ought to be witnessed and solemnised in an act of worship. The church indicates that the breach of marriage is so serious a matter that entering a second one is not something that anyone can claim as right. When a Christian in this situation has judged it appropriate to marry again, the Church has been willing to respect and to pray with the couple although it still maintains the original ideal that marriage is for life, as stated in Genesis 1 and 2, God made one male and one female and gave them to each other, therefore this means that only God has the right to decide when marriage should end.
Orthodox Christians believe that an ecclesiastical divorce may be granted after a civil Decree Absolute has been given, however, the parish priest must exert every effort to reconcile the couple and avert the divorce. Should the priest fail to bring about reconciliation, he will convey the petition of the party seeking ecclesiastical divorce to the Spiritual Court of the Archdiocese. However they do believe that the church and the priest have the authority to end marriages, and the church itself will grant divorces. There even used to be a special service at which a marriage was ended. Remarriage is allowed in the church, although the wedding service isn’t so special the second time round. You cannot keep on getting divorced, though. A third marriage is rarely allowed.
In conclusion it is obvious that there is a big gap between the teaching of the church and accepted moral standards in our society. We live in a world in which divorce is commonplace and widely accepted as normal. However there is much unhappiness in today’s society and perhaps one reason for this is peoples lack of commitment to each other which ends in divorce and suffering for all sorts of people not only the couple – children, parents and friends. The church does offer us another way. In Mark 10 we are presented with an ideal:
“ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and will unite with his wife, and the two will become one.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Man must not separate, then, what God has joined together.’ “
All Christians should aim to live up to this ideal, however, we are only human beings and very often find this difficult. Catholic couples whose marriages are facing difficulties can seek help from the CMAC – Catholic Marriage Advisory Council. This is an organisation that does not judge, but aims to reconcile and help the couple put their marriage back together again.
‘ For Christians sex is only right within marriage.’ Do you agree or disagree?
Sex outside marriage can be looked upon in two terms, pre-marital and extra-marital. Pre-marital sex is the occurrence of sexual intercourse before you are married and extra-marital sex is the occurrence of sexual intercourse within the marriage with someone other than your partner. Extra-marital sex is still widely frowned upon in most societies whereas pre-marital sex is now accepted in society and many people have had sexual experiences before they settle down. However the Church has always regarded a relationship just based on pre-marital sex as a serious offence against the natural, moral and sacramental order of marriage. This isn’t because it is believed that sexual intercourse is a sin but because it is believed that sexual intercourse is a symbol of utmost love and an expression of lasting union.
Some people may choose to have sex outside the marriage for a number of reasons. For example in today’s society contraception is easier to obtain, both contraceptive devices and education have improved. Virginity is no longer considered to be so important and if a woman has had pre-marital sex she is not considered to be dirty. Medical facilities have improved and abortions are easier to obtain. The media is more explicit encouraging sexual permissiveness and fewer people follow the churches teaching.
Many Christians would agree with the statement:
“ Sex is only right within marriage.”
They would present many valid arguments. It states quite clearly in the Ten Commandments:
“ Do not commit adultery”
This is quite specific, having more than one sexual partner is not right, it goes totally against God’s original plan of one man and one woman united as one as told in Genesis 2:24:
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united with his wife, and they become one.”
In Genesis one and two God teaches us that marriage is good and that sexuality is only part of the relationship and not actually the relationship itself. Basing a relationship entirely on sex is not right, it is using a person for your own self-satisfaction. Sex should just be the symbol of lasting union, a relationship should be based on love, trust and understanding. Sex is a beautiful gift from God demanding responsibility, commitment and total love.
Basing a relationship on sex would mean basing a relationship on lust and lust is a sin. Jesus teaches us that love must be at the heart of al relationships. The bible gives us an indication of this in 1 Corinthians 13:1-4
“ I may be able to speak the languages of men and even of angels, but if I have no love, my speech is no more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell … I may have all the faith needed to move mountains – but if I have no love, I am nothing.”
Love is so important. It makes us happy. Sex outside marriage does not consist of true love, but only love. Nothing should be allowed to break that bond of true love, as without love we are not whole.
St. Paul argues that if desire is too strong than a couple should marry, 1 Corinthians 7:36:
“ In the case of an engaged couple who have decided not to marry: if the man feels that he is not acting properly towards the girl and if his passions are to strong and he feels that they ought to marry, then they should get married, as he wants to.”
If this couple did decide to marry they would have to decide whether they truly loved each other or if it was just about desire. Marriage is a bond for life and is not just about the desire to be with another person. You have to love, trust, support, protect and be willing to work in order for a marriage to work. Marriage is an act of unconditional love; sex is right and intended under these conditions.
Christians would also say that sex is the most precious gift a person can give to another, it should be respected and treated carefully. It is an act of love that joins two people, these two people should be totally committed to one another. This commitment is shown in marriage through the exchange of vows and rings therefore sexual intercourse should not take place outside the marriage.
Sexuality will for many lead to children. The couple should be able to protect and support and offer shelter and security to these children. The best place to raise a child is within a married, loving relationship. Once married a person has entered into an agreement with their partner. They are not free to break that bond and have intercourse with someone else. Continued sexual relations with a number of different partners leads to unhappiness. Unhappiness is not the right foundation on which to build a permanent relationship. Happiness and stability lie in the commitment to one person through marriage.
Other arguments against sex outside marriage include that if people have several sexual partners then it increases the risk of sexually transmitted disease. Sex outside the marriage can lead to insecurity, emotional turmoil and a feeling of anxiety and rejection. Sex outside marriage means that it is possible to have sexual intercourse without being totally committed and without the love ad respect which is necessary.
Just as there are many Christians who agree with the statement:
“ Sex is only right within the marriage,”
there are also those who disagree.
They would argue that the statement only represents an ideal, Jesus socialised with those who failed to live up to this ideal for example in John 8 with the woman who committed adultery. Jesus gave this woman a second chance. He forgave her. We have no right to condemn others when we are so much at fault ourselves:
“ ‘ Whichever one of you has committed no sin may throw the first stone at her’ … When they heard this they all left one by one, the older ones first.”
It is not our place to judge those who decide to have sex outside the marriage it is their decision and their life. We are all sinners and should not condemn others. It is hypocritical. The church should be stressing this point especially when it teaches that God is the only one who has the right to judge.
Over the years society has changed in so many ways. Fear of conception and disease are now reduced. It is natural to move on, as times change. It is necessary for Christians to recognise that their original ideas are now out of date and should be adapted to fit in to the ways and ideas of the people of the twenty first century.
Christians should start to think of whether the church might be too dogmatic. If Christians wish to look upon the church as a community then shouldn’t it stop trying to issue its authority and loose some of its arrogance as it will only drive people away.
There are other arguments for sex outside the marriage but they are not necessarily Christian based. For example some would say that you do not have to be married to love someone, therefore you should be able to have sexual intercourse regardless of your marital status. Sex outside the marriage enables people to have sex when they feel ready with the right person, sex should not be pressurised just because of marriage, there are some couples who want to spend their lives together and have children without getting married.
In conclusion I think it is necessary to assess whether this ideal is realistic nowadays and why the church upholds its view. In today’s society most people tend to follow the governments laws rather than the church. Contraception has improved which mean sex outside marriage is safer. TV and media are much more explicit in their portrayal of sexual relations which has a great influence on the general public. Sexual permissiveness is encouraged, children are taught about sex by their parents and it is generally accepted that people are no longer virgins when they get married. However, sex is the most intimate thing two people can share and it should be worth waiting for. Sex should be an expression of lasting union between two people; it is a gift, which should not be abused. Sex outside the marriage can lead to terrible consequences both physically and emotionally. If the Christian ideal was followed the divorce rate would decrease, there would less chance of catching a sexually transmitted infection and there would be less unwanted pregnancies/illegitimate babies. The basic Roman Catholic understanding on sex outside the marriage is clearly stated in A Catholic Catechism and in the Humanae Vitae. In the Humanae Vitae it says:
“ Sex has 2 functions: to express the love between husband and wife and to give life to children. In sexual intercourse the love between husband and wife becomes creative, like the love of God. “
This basically sums up the beliefs of Christians and how they should treat sexual intercourse in their everyday lives. However, having said this the views of different branches of Christianity do differ greatly on this issue. The Roman Catholic Church is very strict as, in the case extra-marital sex, no public promises have been made, and neither the couple or the family nor the friends can be sure of the future. This is particularly serious if a child is conceived, as there is no sacrament.
Other Christians for example the Anglicans, agree that under certain circumstances sexual intercourse between a couple who are not married but who love each other and who intend to create a life together is morally acceptable.
To sum up I would say that Christians generally believe that sex outside marriage is wrong not just because of the great number of problems it causes but also because Jesus spoke out against it. All Christians should believe and be prepared to argue that sex is a beautiful gift from God demanding responsibility, commitment and total love. They should believe that it is always wrong to use a person as a thing, that sexual intercourse is very special as it creates new life and that sex is the most beautiful expression of a deep, loving, life-long union between two people.
