For four years the guilt still haunted my Mum.

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As we sat down for dinner or ‘tea’ as it has come to be called in our small two up-two down house, 174, Lonsdale Street, there was that same ominous feeling in the air that all too often filled me with dread and a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. That would set the tone for the remainder of the evening and most probably continue late on in to the night and early hours.

        The hunger that now eluded my whole body had earlier been forced to become a mind over matter issue as I struggled fruitlessly with my maths homework, but now, tea was ready. Unfortunately though, my hunger was no more satisfied even after I had ravenously finished off every last bite of my half – yes my whole half - of the gourmet dish of Heinz beans and sausage, so expertly cooked – or rather opened from the tin - by Paul. This was another tell-tale sign of what was to come in the next few hours. As per usual, the rather bland evening meal was complemented by certain happenings in our house that even I struggled to deal with as I maybe would have done in the past.

        By now, we had grown used to, and even begun to accept, the fact that Dad was no longer around to bring a sense of buoyancy and a friendly, smiling face to our home and our lives. Maths homework was left unfinished and certain D.I.Y jobs, such as the burst water pipe in the small dingy bathroom at the end of the landing, were left leaking. But we all understand that life must go on and we must stay strong – if not for our sake, for Mum’s. This was something we had done very well since Dad left. Just the two of us, until she found Paul.

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        As soon as we finished our tea, Mum set about busily clearing the table as I put the kettle on, offering Paul a drink and anxiously awaiting his most-probable violent reaction. Much to my disbelief, he simply just declined the drink, but left the kitchen hurriedly, in a similar fashion to the one in which he had entered, irritably mumbling something about Janet and how he had had to put up with this for too long now and how he is not putting up with it for much longer. With this, my thoughts and fears were confirmed and my heart ...

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