And now my daughter is also dead of the Scarlet Fever. I am stunned with this last blow; the long drawn out death of my darling girl has caused great inner suffering so deep that I am unable to do or think of anything else. I am in a trance unable to smile or even cry. Nothing seems of any relevance to me. When she died I was so shocked I just stared into her pretty pale dead face and silently spoke to her of all the things we could have done but are now impossible. This child was my precious golden link to my poor husband. A symbol of our young love, but even she has left me. My dearest sister tries so hard to help and understand my silence and my absence of tears but I cannot explain myself. I do not understand myself. I kiss this child and whisper goodbye but I feel nothing.
I will soon bear another child. But what if I cannot feel love for him, still in pain from grieving? I feel I cannot survive any more pain; there has been so much suffering already. The pains of birth are beginning and I must resolve to find my capacity for loving.
My baby is born. A little boy that I have named Gregory. Thank God, for the birth was easy and along with it came the gift of tears. All the feelings trapped inside for too long are flooding my face with liquid grief. And now I feel I shall never be able to breathe without sobbing ever again. I can at least reassure Fanny that I am getting better. For as I cry, I can feel my body and mind making room for me to love this precious baby. He is my last remaining link left to my good husband. I love him more than life itself.
It has been months since I have had the time to pen my diary. Our lives are so busy, working at the sewing factory and raising Gregory. Lately I have begun struggling to see properly. It is most frustrating as I can see enough to manage at home but I cannot see well enough to do my work at the factory. This loss of income is going to be so hard to bear. Both Fanny and I ensure Gregory has enough to eat but I know for certain that Fanny is suffering from lack of food.
Lately Fanny and I have been visited by William Preston, a pleasant older man and one of the wealthiest farmers hereabouts. I cannot confess to any feelings of love nor desire but he is a man I can respect and principle which I can admire. He has asked me to be his wife and I have agreed. Perhaps I am being foolish to settle for marriage to a man I cannot love but it may solve so many problems. My sight is now poor and I will not have to support myself any longer. His well-stocked house is close to here so I can continue to see Fanny. Most importantly he tells me he will take good charge of Gregory, which he will want for nothing in the way of keep or education. Every day I love Gregory more and my decision to wed William is the correct one as Gregory must be freed from this daily grind of near destitution.
I can only pray that with time I may feel something approaching love for William but in my heart I never will.
