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HEAVEN.COM EXT. A QUIET STREET. DAY HERMION DEATH, the Grim Reaper, stands in the front garden of a house - cold, rubbing his hands, stamping his feet. His scythe held in an armpit. HERMION (O/S) Behind me, in number seven Calfrey Street, I could hear her, the dead one, moaning to herself. They all moan to me, millions of voices a year, over one hundred and fifty thousand dead people every day. I put it out of my head, much as I can, it's hard to concentrate on doing your lottery numbers with that racket going on. HERMION Come on - This job sounded so glamorous. They didn't tell me I'd have to freeze outside house's waiting for bodies to be discovered .. I'm starving - must have something .. He reaches into his black cloak, pulls out cigarettes. HERMION (CONT'D) No, you quit. If it wasn't for the warning about them causing death I wouldn't have started - it's like puffing your own brand .. He pulls out a can of baked beans. HERMION (CONT'D) .. baked beans? Oh yeah, I remember, guy fell in the canning machine. Why couldn't he have worked in a chocolate factory? Then I might have a Hershey Bar. .. oh well .. He puts the can of beans on the garden wall and chops down with his scythe - beans go everywhere - all over scythe, all over him. ...read more.


I'm the Grim Reaper. GRANDMA PORTER From where I'm standing you're just an idiot covered with beans! HERMION Just come on! Hermion and Grandma Porter notice Mr Porter is on his knees, praying. MR PORTER Oh lord, I know my mother wasn't a good woman, or a kind woman, or a thoughtful woman, but I'm going to miss her .. HERMION (arms outstretched) Why?! Grandma Porter grabs Hermion's scythe from him and swings it. Hermion ducks, the scythe smashes the hall window. Hermion warily puts out a hand as Grandma faces him meanly with the scythe. HERMION Give me that back .. MR PORTER (looking into space) Mother? Is that you? Grandma Porter swings at Hermion again, missing and smashing a lamp. HERMION (more urgent) Give me that back. Grandma Porter is brandishing the scythe at him, he backs away warily. HERMION (CONT'D) Come on now, it will be really embarrassing if someone finds out about this .. GRANDMA PORTER See how you like someone sticking a scythe in your face, Graham Reaper! HERMION That's Grim Reaper not Graham Reaper! Now give me that back! Grandma Porter chops again. MISSES. The scythe catches the dress that Mrs Porter is holding. From her relatives point-of-view, it seems to dance in midair like a ghostly banshee. Mrs Porter screeches. MRS PORTER She's come back to haunt us because she doesn't like the dress! ...read more.


A thin shroud of mist covers the floor. In the distance is the Way Station Center. A big building with a tall clock spire. WAY STATION ASSISTANTS, dressed in blue, help new arrivals toward the Way Station Center. One young male assistant, MYERS, directs a group of people in skiing outfits. MYERS (to group) This way everyone .. new arrivals to be processed into heaven this way. A MIDDLE AGED LADY (raising a hand) Isn't this heaven then? MYERS No. This is the Heaven Way Station, half way to heaven, madam .. where we process new souls .. .. Now, may I have those who were smashed to bits on the skiing precipice first, and not those who died in the subsequent avalanche. A MIDDLE AGED MAN Excuse me - I was smashed to bits on the precipice and died in the subsequent avalanche. MYERS There's always one trouble maker .. Hermion enters, wearing dungarees and carrying an urn with a head in it. MYERS (CONT'D) Mr Death! Everyone! A bit of a surprise! The Grim Reaper's here in person today! A real honor! Several women scream. MYERS (CONT'D) A bit of a different look for you, sir .. HERMION Oh, my dungarees, you mean? I got covered with beans, Myers, and this candy floss was all I had in the fridge .. MYERS Yes, sir .. Anyway, the reason I wasn't expecting you, is that you were due at the Births, Deaths and Reincarnations staff meeting half an hour ago .. Hermion rushes off in the direction of the Heaven Way Station Center. ...read more.

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