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HEAVEN.COM

EXT. A QUIET STREET. DAY

HERMION DEATH, the Grim Reaper, stands in the front garden of a house - cold, rubbing his hands, stamping his feet. His scythe held in an armpit.

HERMION  (O/S)

Behind me, in number seven Calfrey Street, I could hear her, the dead one, moaning to herself. They all moan to me, millions of voices a year, over one hundred and fifty thousand dead people every day. I put it out of my head, much as I can, it's hard to concentrate on doing your lottery numbers with that racket going on.

HERMION

Come on - This job sounded so glamorous. They
didn't tell me I'd have to freeze outside house's
waiting for bodies to be discovered ..
I'm starving - must have something ..

He reaches into his black cloak, pulls out cigarettes.

HERMION  (CONT'D)
No, you quit. If it wasn't for the warning about them
causing death I wouldn't have started - it's like puffing
your own brand ..

He pulls out a can of baked beans.

HERMION  (CONT'D)

.. baked beans? Oh yeah, I remember, guy fell in the
canning machine. Why couldn't he have worked in a
chocolate factory? Then I might have a Hershey Bar.
.. oh well ..

He puts the can of beans on the garden wall and chops down with his scythe
- beans go everywhere - all over scythe, all over him.

HERMION  (CONT'D)
Oh, for goodness sake! I bet this never happens to the other
horsemen of the apocalypse!

Hermion scoops some beans into his mouth and chews with disgust.

HERMION  (CONT'D)
Urrghh! Urgghh! Urgghh!

A taxi pulls up.

HERMION  (CONT'D)
Oh! Here they come - thank god -
Ah! Yes, yes hurry up .. oo, better get invisible ..

Hermion clicks on his invisibility wristband, a translucent glow forms around him so that he cannot be seen

MR PORTER and MRS PORTER exit the taxi. A couple in their forties. The TAXI DRIVER helps them with their suitcases. Mrs Porter also carries a stuffed toy giraffe and cellophane wrapped dress.

            MRS PORTER
            Jeff, have you got a tip for the driver?

Mr Porter tips the taxi driver.

MR PORTER
Don’t eat yellow snow! Have a nice day now
(smiles)

Join now!

HERMION
Oh for goodness sake!

Mr and Mrs Porter head up their garden path.

HERMION  (CONT'D)

Yes, yes, come on ..

Mr Porter opens his front door.

HERMION  (CONT'D)
I hate this bit ..

Mr Porter looks inside.

MR PORTER
.. Oh no! we forgot to unstrap granny from her stairlift
before we went away!

GRANDMA PORTER'S corpse is strapped into a stair lift, halfway up the stairs, in an
advanced state of decay
.


Mrs Porter looks in the door and screams, as Mr Porter enters the house.

INT. PORTER HOUSE HALLWAY. MOMENTS LATER

Hermion follows the distraught Mr and Mrs Porter inside.

HERMION
I ...

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