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I knew this was a race I had to win (short essay)

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Introduction

I knew this was a race I had to win.... I knew this was a race I had to win or this could end up in utter calamity. This abrupt situation has made me more determined to be victorious. I had come this far and I am certainly not giving up. Sorry, I did not mention what I was doing did I? Well, I have been taking part in sprinting races the whole week so I could receive the grand total of £10,000. Today is the finals and I am certainly accepting defeat. No way. The ultimate reason to my commitment to the competition is due to the fact that my father is seriously ill. ...read more.

Middle

Oh no. It?s time to commence the final race. Several chivalrous racers are aiming for the top prize for many reasons too. A friend I met in the competition named Jim told me that he had the intention to make his disabled little brothers wishes come true. Deep inside, the racers have reasons to win this grand prize. As the tension builds up within my soul, I begin to sweat before the whistle to begin the race has been blown. My nerves were getting the better of myself but that isn?t going to stop me. I am in the race track assuming my racing position. With my family rooting for me in the side lines, I will surely not loose. ...read more.

Conclusion

With my valued memories, I utilised every ounce of my strength to carry on. I began taking the lead of the race until Jim began catching up to me. The finish line was within my grasp. I just had a couple of meters in order to draw to a close the 500m race but abruptly Jim raced in front of me. We both crossed the finish line together. It was impossible to tell the winner. The replay of the race showed that...that.........I had lost. I was inches of getting first place. I was extremely disappointed with myself. I stood motionless on the bench once I had finished but I also felt a sense of gratitude. The runner up apparently wins £5,000. I have still work to do in order for my dad’s operation to be a success however I won’t stop. I will never stop. ...read more.

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Here's what a star student thought of this essay

3 star(s)

Response to the question

This essay lacks the linguistic techniques required of a top grades answer, and for the most part runs like a commentary narrative, hopping between tenses. The candidate could do so much more with the material they have and this is ...

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Response to the question

This essay lacks the linguistic techniques required of a top grades answer, and for the most part runs like a commentary narrative, hopping between tenses. The candidate could do so much more with the material they have and this is the reason for the low grade. In a descriptive task to do with running, especially sprinting, it would be better to see this encapsulated in the way the candidate writes. Writing long elaborate sentences looks good if you're taking in the scenery, but if you're sprinting with your head to the ground, your thought processes change and therefore the narrative should change - short words/sentences to emulate the breaths and steps you take would suit this style of description much better than trying to squeeze in awkwardly long words like "utilised" and "decrease" into overly-long sentences that draw out the description, rather than create the speed intended.

Level of analysis

The Level of Analysis here is not marked, but the Description is. With regards to the description, and in addition to the above, the candidate doesn't do a great job of really encapsulate the vibe of being in race - the cheering before the race, the deadly silence in the few seconds before the whistle is blown - all could be incorporated but simply aren't.

Elsewhere, the frequent grammatical errors, particularly the switching of tenses throughout the answer. It is not always clear which tense this is in, although I'm guessing the present tense. The past and future tenses are also used erroneously and this is not acceptable at GCSE and must be rectified.

Quality of writing

The Quality of Written Communication, as outlined above, is not acceptable for GCSE and needs quite an overhaul. From simple grammatical errors such as omitting words to completely mistaking which tense is required, the candidate needs to re-read their work and pay extremely close attention in order to fix all the errors in their QWC.


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Reviewed by sydneyhopcroft 10/09/2012

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