I knew this was a race I had to win....
I knew this was a race I had to win or this could end up in utter calamity. This abrupt situation has made me more determined to be victorious. I had come this far and I am certainly not giving up. Sorry, I did not mention what I was doing did I? Well, I have been taking part in sprinting races the whole week so I could receive the grand total of £10,000. Today is the finals and I am certainly accepting defeat. No way. The ultimate reason to my commitment to the competition is due to the fact that my father is seriously ill. He has a few days of his existence left. I need to provide the fee needed for the fee. I will not allow my father to just exit this world when he still has so much to experience. The rest of my family and friends are relying on me to countenance this competition in order to save my father! I will not give up at any rate for my precious fathers life is on the line.
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Peer Reviews
Here's what a star student thought of this essay
Quality of writing
The Quality of Written Communication, as outlined above, is not acceptable for GCSE and needs quite an overhaul. From simple grammatical errors such as omitting words to completely mistaking which tense is required, the candidate needs to re-read their work and pay extremely close attention in order to fix all the errors in their QWC.
Level of analysis
The Level of Analysis here is not marked, but the Description is. With regards to the description, and in addition to the above, the candidate doesn't do a great job of really encapsulate the vibe of being in race - the cheering before the race, the deadly silence in the few seconds before the whistle is blown - all could be incorporated but simply aren't. Elsewhere, the frequent grammatical errors, particularly the switching of tenses throughout the answer. It is not always clear which tense this is in, although I'm guessing the present tense. The past and future tenses are also used erroneously and this is not acceptable at GCSE and must be rectified.
Response to question
This essay lacks the linguistic techniques required of a top grades answer, and for the most part runs like a commentary narrative, hopping between tenses. The candidate could do so much more with the material they have and this is the reason for the low grade. In a descriptive task to do with running, especially sprinting, it would be better to see this encapsulated in the way the candidate writes. Writing long elaborate sentences looks good if you're taking in the scenery, but if you're sprinting with your head to the ground, your thought processes change and therefore the narrative should change - short words/sentences to emulate the breaths and steps you take would suit this style of description much better than trying to squeeze in awkwardly long words like "utilised" and "decrease" into overly-long sentences that draw out the description, rather than create the speed intended.
