‘I’m sorry to hear about your mother, I am glad you enjoy work so much, not all of us do, not when you start at eight in the morning and finish at seven in the evening, you know’, the doctor said warmly we, shared a brief laugh, I could tell he was trying to find out something, carefully building a model of me in his head and deconstructing it after everything I said.
‘So Karen are you married, do you have a partner?’ he asked as he slowly took off he’s spectacles and began wiping them with a handkerchief.
‘Yes I do, I am happy with him also, we’ve been married for a few years now, we don’t plan on having children, at the moment you know, I like to think of myself as a career woman’, I suddenly realised that the doctor had only requested a single word answer. ‘So, why are you really here Karen?’ he said it so gently.
‘I don’t know, I mean, well lately I have been getting depressed lately’ the words burst out of my mouth leaving an uncomfortable, tense feeling in the room. I felt the tip of my hair, my split ends had grown longer, I needed a trim. The doctor would ask me how I could be depressed after I’d just described my life as being happy.
‘Well I would usually prescribe you with anti depressants, but you’ve said you are usually happy, I am very concerned though, I think the best remedy for you is to relax, maybe you’re career is stressing you out, this supplemented by the hormones, if you can take some time off of work… it’ll work wonders, you know, If that doesn’t work, then… well lets see how it goes first’.
I left the surgery the day feeling disappointed, I hadn’t got the prescription of anti-depressants, I could tell by the way he spoke to me that he thought I was on the verge of a mental breakdown, I knew I wasn’t, me? ‘Surely I am in control of myself’ I thought?.
That night I went out, id told John I was going to see my foster mother Marian who had been ill for months. I wasn’t, Charlie, who I had made friends with at work had invited me to come out for a meal millions of times, ‘why not bring John, Ill bring my husband too I’m sure he wont mind that she had begged persistently. I had refused, afraid of what John would say, he had said I shouldn’t associate with,‘cheap, excess baggage’, and that he didn’t trust me going out in the evenings anyway. I felt done enough to hurt him anyway, I’d never been a good wife, I was too into my career, I was the reason John had become an alcoholic. He never used to drink so much. I went out that night feeling somewhat afraid, of what would happen when I get home. John would arrive home at 8:00pm maybe he’d phone Marian and ask where I was, she’d say I wasn’t with her and hadn’t been today, one thing when I arrived home he’d go mad and punch me again and again, just like he did last time. Or maybe he would be in a good mood it was Friday after all. I still had the mark on my arm from two days ago and the bruise was still fresh. To cover it up I put on a long sleeve top, and wore a pale pink coloured lipstick with a large smile.
‘Karen you look so gorgeous’, said Charlie, I knew I did, Id tried hard today.
‘So do you, well you always do! So where are we going? Ill have to be home early though, John wont be too happy if I’m not’, I said quickly.
‘Oh John, it’s a shame he couldn’t come, I would have liked him to meet Thomas, you know, my Thomas is in IT too, oh well that’s men for you his probably, working himself too hard, there’s a lot of pressure on them these days with all the technology and that’, I secretly envied Charlie she was so happy with her husband, they planned on having children and immigrating to America.
We finally got to the restaurant, it had began drizzling outside, I ordered a seafood paella, we talked about everything from clothes and diets to holidays and work.
‘I need to talk to someone’, said Charlie
‘Well you know you have me Charlie don’t you, what’s wrong’, I asked
‘Well, Karen, me and Thomas have not been getting on very well, its all my fault you know, he said he’s going to leave me’, a translucent tear trickled from her eye and onto her powdery red cheeks.
‘Don’t blame yourself, why do you think its you’re fault, Charlie?’ I asked putting a hand on her shoulder
‘Well he said I’m always finding faults in him, I didn’t realise I was, I don’t mean it though, we had an argument on Saturday, I ended up slapping him’, I was shocked, this couldn’t be true.
‘Well I didn’t mean to’, I reached into my bag and handed her a her a tissue
‘I think he’s cheating on me, Karen, I think he is, he’s changed so much, but I love him’, Charlie blew her nose,
‘I think I heard him mutter Life's a bitch, then you marry one, but I’m not a Bitch’, she said woefully.
‘I’m really sorry’, I said, I should have said, no he isn’t he love you or don’t worry but I didn’t.
‘Lets leave’, I said, so we did.
As we walked through Oxford circus, a familiar face came confronted us it was Paula, Charlie’s younger sister, she was only 21.
‘Hiya, where you going?’ she asked
‘Paula, what are you doing alone in Oxford circus this time of the day?’ asked Charlie
‘What do you think? Oh my god you’ve been crying!’, she exclaimed
We all decided to sit down at a bench, despite the rain; Charlie retold her trials to Paula and me.
‘What a cunt, I hate men their such Dickheads, that’s why I don’t bother with relationships, Id love to settle down though, big chance of that happening’, she said sarcastically. Paula was still a child, full of contradictions, she lived in a world full of two types of men, sweet men who were very rare and extremely hard to fine and Bastards who were the opposite and in fact populated society. I suddenly realised that maybe her theory wasn’t too far from reality, as I thought about John but then again he had been so an angel until a year ago. ‘Men are often gentlemen when you first meet them’ Paula had said earlier.
I realised Id better be going home it was getting late. ‘I better be going I said’, I said.
‘Oh don’t leave so early Karen, stay another half hour, please’, said Paula, I decided half an hour wouldn’t hurt, or maybe it would, physically and emotionally.
‘Karen how are you and John?’ asked Paula, I just couldn’t tell them the truth, it would be too humiliating.
‘Oh were fine, just the same as usual’, lying to close friends was one of the cruellest things a person could do. I had no choice.
The girls, my friends began talking about doctors now. That reminded me of my visit a month ago. It suddenly dawned to me that maybe Johns violence could be linked to mental illness, the questions the doctor had asked me were all linked to troubles in the past, maybe John needed to see a psychiatrist. Of course that was just a thought. Id always blamed myself for John’s violence against me and his drinking. I don’t know what the problem was or where it had begun. But all I know was that I loved him and had tried to be as good a wife as I could be. It began to rain, I suddenly began to feel happier, even though when I would return home John would probably hurt me, I was one step closer to regaining a part of myself that I had lost before, my self esteem, my confidence, my dignity. It rained all night; we’d missed the last train and ended up running around the city searching for a taxi. The map Charlie had taken with her was paper Mache by now. As we waited for a taxi, I smiled to myself the first genuine smile in ages; I was so great to feel free.
