We have to wade through mud and elephant grass and our only chance to wash is in the rain. While I wade through the mud and grass and wash in the rain I am constantly thinking of you. I wish I was with you.
Do you remember our first date? We went to the beach for the day. We bought huge ice-creams, you got a smudge on your nose, and I had to wipe it off with my handkerchief! You giggled softly when you realised. You looked so perfect that day. Your hair was in loose waves around your flawless face, your cheeks were slightly burnt by the sun, and the sea reflected so deeply into your eyes that they glittered like diamonds. You were so happy you seemed not to have a care in the world. I felt the same; all I wanted to do was be with you forever. We danced near the shore, and there we had our first kiss, I remember every detail, the way your hair smelt and the softness of your cheek against mine. I long to be with you.
At night as the rain pounds down on the ground and the leaks drip through the walls of my tent, I listen very carefully and in the distance, so very far away, I hear your laugh. It sounds so clear and incredibly real. So real, that it starts me wondering, are you coming to find me and bring me back home? I only wish you could.
Have you changed since I’ve been gone? You mentioned you were going to dye your hair, what if I don’t recognise you? Could you still love me even though I have changed so much? I’ve seen things that will remain with me for a life time. Wounded soldiers gasping with their last breaths “help me,” dead bodies lying in plastic sacks. Each of these bodies belonging to a mother, a father, a wife, a child, or even a best friend. I have killed innocent Vietnamese soldiers that probably lived a life just like mine, how could you forgive me for that? I can’t even forgive myself. I know soldiers that have been here for four months longer than me; they have turned into heartless killing machines. They have no emotion and feel no pain. It frightens me that I might become like them.
I have met a great friend while in Vietnam he makes it easier for me to be here. He’s so funny, so alive. He keeps our spirits high and our hopes of surviving even higher. His name is… well was… Arthur. He’s dead. Gone, just like that, it puts everything into perspective. The whole platoon misses him. People are trying to get on with their jobs and trying to and forget, but in the darkness of the night you hear muffled sobs as soldiers mourn him.
The whole atmosphere of the platoon has changed. The morale is low, we used to sing around the fire, tell jokes and for a moment in time just forget about everything that was going on around us. We were oblivious to the shots sounding in the distance. We sang in chants, staring into the fire with a fixed smile on our faces, everything felt ok. No one does that anymore. I used to laugh even when inside every part of my aching body felt like breaking down and crying. Now I just cry.
The way he was killed was so horrible. So ghastly, so inhumane. He was shot six times! Once was enough. When we heard the shots we all grabbed our guns and scrambled out of our cots, we squelched in the mud as we ran over to the place of lookout. There he was, his eyes were still open, but they were glazed over in a frosty stare. He was still propped against the tree, this made him look alive but the trickles of blood pouring from his head rolling down his cheeks and trickling into his own mouth confirmed otherwise. I couldn’t stand it, I just threw up. A mixture of feelings rushed over me. We wrapped him up in blankets and left him lying by the tree, I closed his eyes and we said a prayer for him. I walked back to my tent in a mechanical trance.
I didn’t sleep that night. I was confused. A selfish part of me was glad that it wasn’t me who was killed, but part of me questioned, why him? I know that this will always remain unanswered, but I suppose it doesn’t matter now, it’s not going to bring him back. It angers me so much, everyday I feel like giving up, but I can’t because if I did this I would never see you again. You are all I have; you are the only person that keeps me going.
Love you always
Your loving fiancé, Bill. xxxxx
