10.05pm
Seb, I love you so much, please you can not do this to me. You make me whole; you make my problems fade away. I can’t do life without you...Our walks through the streets talking about nothing, lying by the river doing nothing. Our nothingness of all is what binds us together. I miss you. Please. Don’t hurt me like this, don’t do this to me. I’m your Laura, your love, your soul-mate. Every tear I weep burns my skin for you. Every word I utter wants you to hear it. You’ve pulled out my heart and trampled it into the ground, and at the same time cut me loose from my soul. I am nothing now, a piece of rubbish blowing aimlessly in the wind.
I am a nonentity lost in the bustle of love.
1st June
2pm – Oh forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. The blood trickling down my wrist is only a symbol, a calling, a calling for help. I need help; I need a release from this anguish. Blood is not enough; I need more to help me survive this torturous hell. The world is against me. Against me, and my misfit body.
13th June
I have not written in here for quite some time. I just don’t have the energy, the energy to face what I have been doing to myself. Then again, is it really that bad? A couple of times a week I am sick, it’s easy enough. I am in the control of what I eat, and how much I want to keep in my body. The lasting damage isn’t too bad. And look at me! I have lost half a stone. Now really, who needs dieting! You can eat… but never put weight on. Perfect solution!
I have also decided that I wont see Seb until the ‘new me’ is finished, until I have the perfect body and the perfect life. And by perfect life, I mean no cutting. I haven’t cut since I last wrote. Making myself sick is like a placebo to cutting, it’s the same effect as I am in control but at the same time losing weight. I personally see it as a win-win situation. Hee hee, life is as sweet as sugar! How ironic…
15th June
7pm - I have just been violently sick. I’m so scared, my heart hurts, literally my heart. I mean it really, really, hurts. It feels like something is tugging very hard on it. An iron grip turning me cold… and…and…when I was sick, there was blood in the toilet. That’s never happened before.
I am sitting on my bed, shaking and crying, if I look in the mirror I know my eyes will be bloodshot and death will stare back. What’s wrong with me? The tears won’t stop falling, it’s just blood right? I used to see it all the time when I was cutting…
7.30pm – Properly scared now, after writing I took my compass and started slashing at my arms, and my thighs and even my face, trying in vain to rid myself of the evil within, the ugly girl staring back. But the blood won’t stop… it keeps on flowing, my room is bloodstained and dirty. I am dirty, these tears that fall, mingle with my blood and pollute the world. This machine I dwell in does not deserve a driver like me. It needs a new enhanced, superior life form…
And that is why, dear diary, I have lined up on my windowsill all the tablets that have been forced down my throat over the years. I wanted some attention, I wanted some help. ALL YOU DID WAS FORCE TABLETS DOWN MY THROAT.
I don’t call that help, I call that a life of misery for me, silently suffering under the influence of a powdered hell. Mum, Dad, why? All I wanted was you to love me like you loved my brothers, to tell me I did well when I came first in a race. I wanted you to hold me and stroke my hair and tell me that I was your girl and you loved me. But no, you thought that by feeding me tablets every day would let you off the task of loving your daughter, making sure she was drugged up enough to not embarrass you and your family in public. Thank you mum and thank you dad, hats off to your wonderful parenting skills.
Thank you God for letting me have some time here on earth, I am sorry I am not the daughter of Eve but the spawn of Satan. It is my fault that I am dirty and in turmoil, I don’t blame you God in the slightest, you did what you could but in the end I was too much.
Question: how many tablets do you have to take before you pass out? By my current state of mind I am guessing more than 50…?
And so my last few words…
…I am doing this so I am freeing myself from the pain and torment of my body and my life. I am seeing myself in another light…everything is becoming clearer now…the light it is there… Mum, Dad I hope you read this, and just know through all the pain you caused me, I love you no matter what, even though you never loved me or wanted me.
Sebastian, I love you and your crazy ways, and I wish for nothing more than to be normal like you, so I could join you in your life.
But it is not to happen…I am leaving you and my nonconformist body forever, for here on earth, I am a fish out of water…