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Like a fish out of water.

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Like a fish out of water 28th May 2pm - Well, this is officially the worst ever day of my whole entire life. How could I do that to myself? I hate me. I hate the way that I work. I hate every little fibre of my being with a force so strong that it could mutilate the face of Kate Moss. 4pm - The school rang home, apparently running riot and ruining art coursework is not acceptable. Apparently this also means I am expelled. Oh joy, wondrous joy. The room is literally filling up and expanding with the happiness and ecstasy that I have caused myself. Not. Why can't they see that all that I want is some focus on me and my problems, not the skinny 'beautiful people'. What is so wrong with their perfect lives anyway? They have it all, the money and the looks. I mean, what's wrong with paying some notice to a small mousy, grey eyed girl of 14, who sits in class, unnoticed and misunderstood by every single human being, enclosed within the prison they call an educational learning centre? Maybe, if I curl up and cry for the next 40 years someone will sit up and take notice, and throw my a ring of ameliorate 10pm - Great, as if life just could not ...read more.


I need help; I need a release from this anguish. Blood is not enough; I need more to help me survive this torturous hell. The world is against me. Against me, and my misfit body. 13th June I have not written in here for quite some time. I just don't have the energy, the energy to face what I have been doing to myself. Then again, is it really that bad? A couple of times a week I am sick, it's easy enough. I am in the control of what I eat, and how much I want to keep in my body. The lasting damage isn't too bad. And look at me! I have lost half a stone. Now really, who needs dieting! You can eat... but never put weight on. Perfect solution! I have also decided that I wont see Seb until the 'new me' is finished, until I have the perfect body and the perfect life. And by perfect life, I mean no cutting. I haven't cut since I last wrote. Making myself sick is like a placebo to cutting, it's the same effect as I am in control but at the same time losing weight. I personally see it as a win-win situation. ...read more.


Thank you mum and thank you dad, hats off to your wonderful parenting skills. Thank you God for letting me have some time here on earth, I am sorry I am not the daughter of Eve but the spawn of Satan. It is my fault that I am dirty and in turmoil, I don't blame you God in the slightest, you did what you could but in the end I was too much. Question: how many tablets do you have to take before you pass out? By my current state of mind I am guessing more than 50...? And so my last few words... ...I am doing this so I am freeing myself from the pain and torment of my body and my life. I am seeing myself in another light...everything is becoming clearer now...the light it is there... Mum, Dad I hope you read this, and just know through all the pain you caused me, I love you no matter what, even though you never loved me or wanted me. Sebastian, I love you and your crazy ways, and I wish for nothing more than to be normal like you, so I could join you in your life. But it is not to happen...I am leaving you and my nonconformist body forever, for here on earth, I am a fish out of water... ...read more.

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