When we arrived back at Thornfield Mrs Fairfax congratulated Jane and I but there was nothing to be congratulated for. I lead everyone to the third story of the house and showed them all what I had been burdened with. As expected, she sprang onto me like some wild animal and grappled my throat viciously. I forced her off of me and Grace Poole attended to her. I kept her safe here with me at Thornfield instead of putting her in an asylum and this is the response I get! The priest telling me he will pray for me, he can keep his prayers! Anyone in their right mind would be prepared to commit a crime and be a bigamist to be with someone they dearly loved and who could love them back like someone should be loved. What am I supposed to do? Just carry on and be expected to be happy just because I am married! I have every reason to want to be a bigamist, I thought the priest would at least see that and even more so, Jane.
She shut herself into her room and I waited outside for her. I heard not one movement, not one sob, I asked her why she shun me and locked herself away to grieve without me. I expected there to be evidence of tears but her face was pale, she had not wept at all, I assumed her heart had been weeping blood. It was then I pleaded for forgiveness, I never meant to hurt Jane, she was the one thing in my life that kept me going, the “pride of my life.” I knew if I told her about Bertha Mason she would not want to marry me and it would ruin our love forever. I stooped forwards and went to kiss her but she turned her face away and put mine aside. I felt hurt and angry, why was she being so cruel? I assumed she didn’t want to kiss me because I was the husband of Bertha Mason and that she considered my arms filled and my embraces appropriated. She probably wants to make herself a complete stranger to me and to live under this roof only as Adele’s governess. I suggested leaving England with her for the south of France where we could have lived together happily as husband and wife but she would not hear of it. She kept shaking her head and turning away, refusing to listen to me. I wanted her to hear reason, but she wouldn’t. She started crying and when I told her to be composed she said she wouldn’t whilst I was in such a passion. I told her I was not angry with her, I only loved her too well. I attempted to rest my head on her shoulder but she would not let me. I thought she didn’t love me anymore, only that she was in love with my station and the rank of my wife. She “recoiled from my touch as if I were some toad or ape.” I told her all about my past and my explanation for the events of today but she told me she did love me but she insisted we must lead separate lives because it was wrong. How could it be wrong though? We both love each other, who would know if we went to live in France and pretended to be husband and wife? No one would know! I wanted to marry Jane because I knew getting married was important to her! She had this idea that as long as Bertha was alive she would be no more than a mistress to me. How could she think such a thing! I do not consider myself married and I want her to see that! She told me she must go, but I couldn’t bear to hear it! I threw myself at the sofa and held my arms out to her to stay with me despite everything that has happened but she merely kissed me on the cheek and said she would pray to God to bless me.
I just wanted her to take a glance on my horrible life when she was gone. “For a wife I have but the manic upstairs: as well might you refer me to some corpse in yonder churchyard.” I wish I could turn back the clock and change the day I married Bertha, for I did not know that she would one day turn insane. Then I could be happily married with Jane; nothing would be in the way of our happiness. This of course was too much to ask, for I am now going to die a lonely man, and a curse, never to see my darling Jane ever again.
Edward Rochester
