As I climbed into bed, I tried hard not to think about what I had seen, but, when I did, I began to tremble and only fell into a restless sleep at dawn. They could come for us at any time! Just thinking about it makes sleep difficult and I have lost my appetite completely.
My main worry is that they must have come because of the bus! Maybe someone saw us digging the ditch? We could be in very serious trouble, and possibly have endangered our family as well! Part of me feels guilty for not telling Mama what we did. I wish that I hadn’t seen the caravan… then maybe I wouldn’t be so worried. When I fell off the stool today, and Mama came to help me, I felt like crying! I hardly ever cry! I’m trying to be strong, but I’m scared that they’ll come and hurt me and my family; or even take our land.
Second Entry:
Dear Diary,
I was supposed to have a great day today! My first visit to Strawberry with Big Ma, Stacey and T.J. First I was disappointed with Strawberry; it is not as wonderful as I imagined, at all!
Then Big Ma put our stall really far away from the entrance. I realise now why she did it, but I still don’t think it’s fair at all. When T.J. took Stacey and me to the store, I was extremely shocked at the discrimination! Mr. Barnett put us after everyone else. We received no respect! Stacey and T.J. just accepted it, but I had to say something! I was taken aback by Mr. Barnett’s reaction. At first he pretended that he couldn’t hear me, then, when I tugged on his sleeve, he reacted like he’d been hit and looked at me like I was a worthless piece of dirt. Not just that! He asked “whose little nigger” I was! Totally humiliating me, putting me down. When he spoke, his words were full of hatred and contempt, yet Stacey just put up with it. Stacey also said that “T.J. knows exactly how to act.” Why? Why do we have to act a certain way and have different treatment? Always getting the brunt of everything!
Then, to top it off, I accidentally bumped into Lillian Jean Simms and she would not let it go! When I refused to get off the path, Mr. Simms twisted my arm and pushed me onto the road. He would have hurt me even more if Big Ma hadn’t appeared at that moment to take me home. Even headstrong Big Ma did what he said and apologised! I felt so stupid. They made me call her “Miz”, and it was so difficult to say. That girl doesn’t deserve any respect; none whatsoever!
The whole day was a disappointment. No, even more than that, it was a horrid day and I learned some awful lessons about the unfairness of life. Why, just because we have another colour skin do we get treated so badly? People have these ideas in their heads and refuse to see things differently. It is so inhumane and it tears at my soul to think that we just put up with it! Someday I’ll be first in line at a store and be served with respect. I’ll have my dignity and life won’t be so hard. I’m gonna make a difference; somehow!
I can see that Mama and Big Ma are trying to change things in their own ways an’ I admire them for it; especially Mama for her teaching. We need change… for people to stop racism and accept each other more for who they are inside, not what we look like on the outside.
Third Entry:
Dear Diary,
I will remember today for as long as I live! The boys have been wondering why I was being so nice to Lillian Jean… and I admit that it was not easy, but it paid off in the end. Me, a girl aged nine, beat up a thirteen year old! I got so much pent up anger out! The pain and hurt I’ve been feeling ’cause of that awful day at Strawberry was thrown at her with full force!
She used nasty name calling, showing what a horrid coward she really is. I was better than that; I made sure not to touch her face, I don’t want anyone to see what I’ve done. She apologised for everything!
I had been planning it carefully and she fell for it. Because I know all her secrets, she can’t tell anyone what happened and I doubt she’d want to because she’s ashamed and probably embarrassed. I couldn’t believe how naïve she was to say, “You was such a nice little girl.” Admittedly what I did was sneaky, but she should have realised it was only a game! It shows how completely insensitive she is; really selfish! She loved having me carry her books and call her “Miz”. Well, I didn’t enjoy that and I’m so glad that I won’t have to do it again.
She won’t dare treat me badly ever again. If I could do the same to that father of hers, I would! Those awful Simms. I feel great; got her back alright! She completely deserved it and I don’t feel a bit guilty. Someday people like Lillian Jean and her father will go to prison for abusing people like they did to me. We are all human and deserve to be treated equally. Why do they think that they are so special? How would Mr. Simms feel if Papa did that to his darling daughter? Papa would never do something like that.
Maybe Papa has more patience, respect and understanding. Or maybe Mr. Simms was brought up by prejudiced people so it passed on to him and now he’s treatin’ his kids to be like that? It is very strange how completely different Jeremy is to his sister. Are some people just born good and kind? People disappoint me… there is no justice!