They lied to me about Mummy, telling me that she hated my guts. They said she was evil, but I never listened. And I still don’t. No mother could despise her child! I don’t need anybody to explain why she hit me, or give reasoning for my scarred body parts, because I can feel her love in my heart. That’s all that matters.
And you love me, Charles. Seven years we’ve been married- four of which have been full of either long, captive silences or chaotic screaming. But I thought that there was still hope for this relationship. If not, how could I have possibly forgiven you for sleeping with other women in our bed? Time and time again. Even when I see the debilitating cold in your eyes when I touch you or even look at you, I tell myself that everything is OK because we know each other so well; we’re still soul mates. You know how I think, so well that you even realize that by not eluding me when you’re with these other women, it gives me a kind of emotional assurance, because I know that you don’t keep secrets from me. See, I love you, Charles. But I’m so tired now. Tired of you always trying to erase me or diminish me or negate me. I’m tired of you denying your love for our children, and your bombarding us with incessant criticism. Sometimes you make me hate you… but most of the time you make me love you. I hate you for that! But the last vestiges of sweetness in this marriage were tasted years ago; now it’s just bitter. I work mercilessly at saving what we have, finding what we had. You’re trying to find it too…shame it’s with my sister.
I remember when she was my best friend, my only friend. Janine understood me and was the only one who realized that I had to devote myself to creating an amicable environment at home. To anyone else that was inexplicable. They just didn’t understand why, you know? So I shut everyone out; I didn’t need any friends…except for Janine. She lived with me, she experienced what I did with Mummy. She knew why I sought change so necessarily.
Now I realize that it was all an act; she never cared about me. All she wanted was to get inside my head and figure out the way I thought so she could steal what was mine. I hate her! She’s my sister, how could she do this to me?
Why don’t you take my place once I’m gone, Janine? Step into my shoes and get Mikey and Laura to call you ‘Mummy’! Sleep with MY husband in MY bed and live MY life, why don’t you!
I know you’re ashamed, Janine- you can’t look me in the eye anymore, especially if Charles is around. Your face turns pale as soon as you catch my glance; I know you can feel how much I loathe you. I hate everything about you, especially the way Laura adores you. If only she was just acutely aware of the fact that her precious Aunty Jan was trying to split up her family.
I’ll never forgive you for this. I’ll haunt you forever and make sure that you stay away from my kids. They’re MINE, not yours, and I never want you to take them away from me. Anyone else- even my husband- you can steal if you’re lowly enough to, but not my children.
I’m so exhausted, so drained from trying to prove my sanity. THEY DON”T UNDERSTAND! The world is against me…Charles sends me to the white coats.
Apparently they can “help me somehow”. My own husband thinks I’m crazy. What hope do I have? Only the children are on my side. They don’t patronize me or hurt me. Mikey and Laura would do anything for their Mummy…but even they can’t help me, nobody can. I’ve been waiting for years for some radical change that will make my life pleasant or at least bearable but it hasn’t happened. I don’t expect it to because I’m the only selfless one around; other people are ignorant and try to destroy any happiness I have. I just want them to stop blaming me, IT’S NOT MY FAULT! It’s not because of me that my sister is in love with my husband, or that my marriage has fallen apart. Did I want that to happen? Why do I bear all the responsibility? Tell me! Why do I always feel hated?…like when I set the table for dinner and call Charles to eat. He’ll come in, look at the four plates on the table, and his face will fall. He’ll have a sorrowful- even pitiful- expression every single time and he’ll say something like, “You know the truth, Jen. Don’t do this to yourself…they’re gone.” Then we’ll sit at the table in an uncomfortable silence, and he’ll avoid my glance and any verbal communication with me as we eat. Charles knows I haven’t a clue what he’s talking about and sees how upset I get about it, but the joke continues…as it has done for the past few years. And he’ll never tell me who’s “gone”! I try not to show my anger (we’re already distant; I don’t want to make it worse) but I just can’t take this anymore; he always sets my mind into a state of utter confusion. But now it has turned into anger and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t want to give in, but I don’t think there’s any love left in our marriage. He has become like everybody else: always patronizing me, always hurting me! They must enjoy trying to make me lose my mind and even my children. That’s what they want, I know it.
I didn’t think that a mother could love her kids too much, but apparently I need to let go, as Jan tells me. As if I’d ever listen to her! Charles does, though. He says the exact same thing- see, she’s got him wrapped around her little finger and soon she’ll get my little Mikey and Laura. And as much as I deny that it could happen, deep down I know it will. It scares me so immensely to think that I’ve lost control of my own life, and that thought in itself is killing me. I’d rather go now and die knowing that they love me with all their hearts and that they’re mine. Charles might even realize that he still loves me, like he once displayed so freely. He’ll let happy moments of us remain embedded permanently in his mind, and he’ll treasure them…even if he is with Janine. She has won; she wants to have my life and now she’ll get it. It’s because of her that I was forced to make this choice of living or dying. Just don’t expe
