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Original Writing - Satirical Article

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Introduction

Save the Planet...Save the Day By Matthew Gatehouse It seems to me that, just recently, the world is falling into a state of disrepair. What with everyone emitting disgruntled moans concerning one thing or another: the credit crunch, a record high in oil prices or Global Warming, it's as if, like a cloak, a universal feeling of discontent is settling over us. Clearly, what we need, is someone to shake off this great shroud. Someone who will rise up and lead us, so that, as one, we may leave these dark and sorrowful times and proceed towards pastures new, and (hopefully) better. Well, I'm glad to say, I know exactly who we need: David Cameron. I bet you thought that I was going to say: Me. Well, I was, it's just that I hate to be too predictable. Anyway, let's forget about Cameron and his preposterous Conservatives. As I said earlier, what we need is a leader; someone who knows exactly what this planet needs. And yes... I did mean me. Every time I turn on the television, someone in a finely pressed suit is there, telling me about the latest catastrophe. Frankly, something must be done. I will make the world, a better place; here's how I intend to do it: Firstly, and most importantly, I would turn my attention to Britain; more specifically: The British Empire. Stemming from a warm-hearted patriotism, is feeling of regret; a regret that Britain is no longer the powerful and resplendent nation that it once was. At its' absolute eminence, The British Empire covered more than a quarter of the globe: thirty six million and six hundred thousand kilometres squared to be precised, dwarfing any other imperial dominance to grace this planet's colourful and varying tapestry of history: The Roman Empire, which covered only five million and nine hundred thousand kilometres squared; The Japanese Empire, which only commanded an expanse of seven million and four hundred thousand kilometres squared, and even the mighty United States of America can only manage ten million kilometres squared. ...read more.

Middle

Sure enough, a couple of centuries later, the Americans have brought life, neon and Starbucks to their wasteland of a country. They have managed to build New York out of a swamp, Las Vegas out of a desert and emerge as the most powerful nation currently sitting at the top of the global hierarchy. Meanwhile, the Australians have done nothing, as usual. They were presented with what they call 'God's own country'... A land of plenty; a land of gold, opals and sheep. And yet, what have they managed to achieve? What is the name of their prime minister? How much is an Australian Dollar worth? Name five films they've made? Alternatively, if you answered: "Hang on a minute", "Good question" or "I don't know" to any or all of the above questions, try going around your house and looking for something they've made... Your Computer? Your Car? Your underwear? Nothing... I thought as much. They are a nation of pompous invalids, retardant to any form of work, who, if the power of advertising is to be believed, spend most of their time pondering ways to keep their 'beer' (which is more comparable to apple squash than it is English Beer) 'super chilled'. They are moronic, lackadaisical and fatuous. And they must go. But don't think, even for an instant, that they would be the only denomination of humans that would run for cover for fear of the results of my tyrannical supremacy. There are many that would do well to follow suit, specifically: the French. As I mentioned earlier, patriotism is a strong driving force behind my monocratic administration's advance. And one of the greatest, and longest lasting, international feuds of all time, is the hatred fuelled Anglo-French relationship. Any other nation would deem a cheese that it is necessary to consume using a straw, an erroneous mess; the French on-the-other-hand, claim famousness for this impropriety, along with their wine (most of which is barely fit for cooking with). ...read more.

Conclusion

long time and, what with UK energy advisors saying that there is definitely even more oil hidden under the melting ice caps, there may be absolutely no reason to panic whatsoever. Of course, the irony is that, in order to get to the lakes of 'black gold' hidden under the ice caps, they will need to melt even more than they already have, which means that we will have to burn yet more oil. This does in fact, link back to my earlier point about engineering (hard to believe, I know), more specifically, Britain's Car industry. Some of Britain's best known car manufacturers, Jaguar, Aston Martin and Rolls-Royce for example, have a tendency to use horrifically large engines to power their cars; these engines do of course, use horrendously large quantities of petrol and produce terrifyingly large amounts of pollution; these cars may just be the key to unlocking the enormous subterranean lakes of oil under the ice caps and, if they are, then clearly what we need is far more of them. Every day, we are told that Global Warming is coming, and that the car is to blame. But what is actually wrong with a bit of global warming anyway? It is estimated that global temperatures are going to rise by six degrees, and we are told that the affects of this, will be profound. A six degree rise would give Britain a climate like the south of Spain. This means that palm trees would grow around our shores; bougainvillea would cascade from everyone's balconies, and the sky, would remain permanently blue. That all sounds decidedly pleasant to me, and exactly like the sort of place that I would quite like to be. So, all in favour can join me, and what will be a stupendously prosperous Britain as we bask in the glorious sunshine that we ourselves have created, and everybody else, can go to Holland... which will be underwater. ?? ?? ?? ?? Matthew Gatehouse Save the Planet...Save the Day ...read more.

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