It is even more worrying when you think just how important Britain’s engineers are; not only did they build bridges and enormous railway networks, but almost every invention ever, can be accredited to a man in a shed, somewhere in Britain.
I’m not joking either. Everything: Penicillin, the computer, steam power, Disc Brakes, Tin Cans, Cement, Radio, The umbrella, Viagra, Crossword Puzzles, Electromagnets, The lawnmower, corkscrews, the fax machine, depth charges, The internal combustion engine, Polyester, The mousetrap, the periscope... I could go on, so I will.
Radar, the telephone, the hovercraft, the sewing machine, The electric motor, Rubber bands, the Submarine, Jet engines, Toilet paper, the Vacuum cleaner, the World Wide Web, Gas masks, the periodic table...I’m sure you get the idea: It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about or indeed who to, the fact is, that Britain, and it’s brains, are most definitely important.
People nowadays simply don’t want to be great, to be labelled a National treasure; there is no motivation. People are more than happy to eat takeaways, live in a house where children out number items of furniture three to one, and live off of benefits. This is the fundamental problem. It is not the schools fault that children are under-achieving, it is a state of mind, possibly induced by over indulgence in unrealistic computer games and McDonalds, but it is definitely something that must change. And if it is the children that must change, then the school system seems like a very good place to start.
Furthermore, and moving away from Britain’s green and troubled pastures, onto the far more pressing task of world domination.
Before anything can be done to make the world a better place, the slate must first be wiped clean, so as to leave a blank canvas upon which I shall create my masterpiece. This unethical termination of possible flaws would begin with the biggest and most horrific infestation currently destroying the delicate harmony of this planet’s eco-system: the Australians.
They are, quite possibly, the lowest form of living creature that adorns this earth. They go to work in shorts, and that is more than a good enough reason to hate them. They have cookers in their kitchens, and yet, they insist on cooking their prawns on the lawn. And the only invention ever to come out of Australia is the rotary washing line. Their television programmes (which are truly awful), their tendency to chase large carnivorous reptiles (which I think, must be genetic), and don’t even get me started on the accent. These are all things that the world would be better without; these are a people who simply must be removed from the face of the earth... for the good of everybody.
Let’s examine exhibit A: Steve Irwin. Here is man, who spent most of his life, masquerading around the wilderness that is Australia, looking for anything with even the smallest possibility of killing him: crocodiles, spiders, all manner of snakes... and low and behold, he finally kicks the bucket at the metaphorical hands of a stingray; only the third person ever to do so. Well, I hope he’s happy, although, being Australian, he’s probably furious that he only came third.
I would like to say, that it was nothing personal. But I’d be lying. The man is the biggest waste of atoms since Gloria Hunniford. I know, you know, and everyone knows, that crocodiles are dangerous. It is a fact that is not beyond even the simplest of minds; if one should come across one of these less pleasant members of the natural world, one runs, in the opposite direction. Whilst shouting obscenities. The last thing we need is an irrational, maniacal lunatic, waving his arms in the air like a man trying to attract the attention of a partially blind person from across a concert venue, telling us that they are; after all, we are not all as moronic as he is.
This apparent lack of intelligence, and a general ability to do anything even remotely constructive, is not just something that affects Irwin however. It is, I’m afraid, a characteristic that he shares with every other Australian the world over. What are the Australians good at? Think about it. A little over three hundred years ago, the people of the civilised world (Britain, that is) were presented with Australia and America; two completely new continents, to do whatever they saw fit with. Sure enough, a couple of centuries later, the Americans have brought life, neon and Starbucks to their wasteland of a country. They have managed to build New York out of a swamp, Las Vegas out of a desert and emerge as the most powerful nation currently sitting at the top of the global hierarchy. Meanwhile, the Australians have done nothing, as usual.
They were presented with what they call ‘God’s own country’... A land of plenty; a land of gold, opals and sheep. And yet, what have they managed to achieve? What is the name of their prime minister? How much is an Australian Dollar worth? Name five films they’ve made? Alternatively, if you answered: “Hang on a minute”, “Good question” or “I don’t know” to any or all of the above questions, try going around your house and looking for something they’ve made... Your Computer? Your Car? Your underwear? Nothing... I thought as much. They are a nation of pompous invalids, retardant to any form of work, who, if the power of advertising is to be believed, spend most of their time pondering ways to keep their ‘beer’ (which is more comparable to apple squash than it is English Beer) ‘super chilled’.
They are moronic, lackadaisical and fatuous. And they must go.
But don’t think, even for an instant, that they would be the only denomination of humans that would run for cover for fear of the results of my tyrannical supremacy. There are many that would do well to follow suit, specifically: the French.
As I mentioned earlier, patriotism is a strong driving force behind my monocratic administration’s advance. And one of the greatest, and longest lasting, international feuds of all time, is the hatred fuelled Anglo-French relationship. Any other nation would deem a cheese that it is necessary to consume using a straw, an erroneous mess; the French on-the-other-hand, claim famousness for this impropriety, along with their wine (most of which is barely fit for cooking with).
Furthermore, the French’s industrial incompetence is not something that they can be proud of, but that is the main problem.
The Australians are all but worthless, but at least they have come to accept that. The French really do leave a lot to be desired of anything that they produce, but yet, they persist to do so.
Their cars are complete heaps of poorly made rubbish, and yet, they continue to make them. Their food is awful (and mostly consists of small garden animals), but they still keep producing it. Their roads, or rather the moronic imbeciles that use them, are cringe-worthy, but nevertheless, they are tenacious to the point that one is overwhelmed with a sudden urge to beat them half to death with a French dictionary. They really should take a leaf out of the Australians book: They should accept that they are incompetent, unable to produce anything of any worth, and go and reside in some deserted corner of the globe... as far away from Britain as possible. Otherwise, France will find itself about forty six feet up in the air, and Britain’s Nuclear Missile Silos would find themselves a little emptier than usual.
Eventually however, my tyrannous expedition for worldwide perfection would be halted, possibly by my running out of Nuclear Missiles, but more certainly by the ominous threat posed by that most awful of natural cataclysms: Global Warming. This is a definite threat to my dominating administration, since it would pose the question of whether or not I would actually have a world to rule.
A report released last year by the Natural Environment Research Council said that over half of Europe will be uninhabitable by the year 2050. And unless I am planning on developing gills and a tail between now and then, this puts a rather large fly (or possibly a mackerel) in my ointment.
This drastic and rather alarming fact, is due solely to the melting of the ice caps, says the Natural Environment Research Council. They say that, unless nearly all of the pollution being caused by the burning of fossil fuels is stopped, and the ‘Greenhouse Effect’ halted, then in less than half a life time, we will all be swimming with the fishes... literally. And this is not just a belief held by a small group of scientists who have probably not even seen daylight for years. All over the world, people are panicking and screwing solar panels to their roofs in order to try and minimise their ‘Carbon Footprints’. Wind turbines are being erected up and down the country, ruining our beautiful countryside, for the sake of a couple of megawatts. But is this all necessary? Do we really need to panic?
According to the author of Doomsday Just Ahead, Ian Niall Rankin, there is absolutely no possible way that the human race could have caused this degree of international temperate undulation. He has written his book based on his extensive research relating to the subject of Global Warming, and has concluded that it is not the fault of human beings that the world is gradually heating up. As a matter of fact, he believes that the world has been heating up and cooling down, all on its own, for millions of years. His pioneering study actually points towards what he calls a ‘Polar Shift’; this is where, in effect, the molten core of the earth simply stops spinning, which is caused by the loss of the earth’s magnetic field. So then what? Well, as I understand it, the molten core of the earth, quite literally, falls over, and this then restores the field and everything goes back to normal; except for one tiny detail.
Nobody, not even Rankin, can predict where the top of the world will be. The North Pole could be in Cardiff, or even – God forbid – Washington D.C. Scotland could be on the equator, along with Argentina, in which case the South Pole would be two hundred miles west of Hawaii.
It would be prompt, too. There would be no gradual shift to a new climate. You could wake up tomorrow to find that Swindon was the New North Pole, it would be one hundred and twenty degrees below zero, and you could guarantee that your car would not start (whether it was French of not); moreover, it would stay like that for the next nine to ten thousand years.
I personally, have always believed that man in general and General Motors in particular have been solely responsible for climate change, but Rankin’s theory is definitely starting to look a lot more plausible, and considerably more interesting. It also means that everyone can stop panicking and building those monstrous looking turbines; as well as that, it means that I can get back to running the world properly, and completely ignore all of the preposterous proposals made by the European Union on how this country, and indeed all of them, should be run.
This however creates yet more problems. If we are not going to build any more wind turbines or erect any more solar panels, then what are we going to use for fuel, since all of the oil is also predicted to run out pretty shortly. We cannot use nuclear power stations, since I will be using all of the nuclear energy in the form of some exceptionally powerful warheads. But help may be at hand.
Several months ago, there was an awful lot of excitement about the discovery of a new offshore oil field that has been discovered in the Atlantic Ocean, just off the coast of Brazil. Most of this hysteria was kept rather quite, but figures have been released confirming that the field is possibly the world’s third largest, and that it could contain up to thirty three billion barrels of crude oil. For those of you who are not completely familiar with the oil market, that is about four thousand million billion pounds worth (a number with more zeros than it may seem possible to believe), or roughly enough to keep the whole world going for maybe even another century; this is the best bit of news that I have had for a long time and, what with UK energy advisors saying that there is definitely even more oil hidden under the melting ice caps, there may be absolutely no reason to panic whatsoever. Of course, the irony is that, in order to get to the lakes of ‘black gold’ hidden under the ice caps, they will need to melt even more than they already have, which means that we will have to burn yet more oil.
This does in fact, link back to my earlier point about engineering (hard to believe, I know), more specifically, Britain’s Car industry. Some of Britain’s best known car manufacturers, Jaguar, Aston Martin and Rolls-Royce for example, have a tendency to use horrifically large engines to power their cars; these engines do of course, use horrendously large quantities of petrol and produce terrifyingly large amounts of pollution; these cars may just be the key to unlocking the enormous subterranean lakes of oil under the ice caps and, if they are, then clearly what we need is far more of them.
Every day, we are told that Global Warming is coming, and that the car is to blame. But what is actually wrong with a bit of global warming anyway? It is estimated that global temperatures are going to rise by six degrees, and we are told that the affects of this, will be profound. A six degree rise would give Britain a climate like the south of Spain. This means that palm trees would grow around our shores; bougainvillea would cascade from everyone’s balconies, and the sky, would remain permanently blue. That all sounds decidedly pleasant to me, and exactly like the sort of place that I would quite like to be.
So, all in favour can join me, and what will be a stupendously prosperous Britain as we bask in the glorious sunshine that we ourselves have created, and everybody else, can go to Holland... which will be underwater.
