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Original Writing, Tonight

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Introduction

Tonight we're not seeking applause. Tonight we're not grabbing fame. Tonight we're not here to entertain you. Tonight we're not something old; yet, tonight we're not something new. Tonight we're not selling out. Tonight you will change. Tonight, we are the entertainers. The advert is quite enticing you know. They seem like they might be worth a visit, it was only down the high street, although I've never heard of the venue it mentions ("The acid"), and where it's situated seems a little obscure. A lot London venues hide fantastic new talents, however, magical mushrooms among the plethora of thorns and pricks that come out of most London bars and bands. The leaflet was bursting with colours, perhaps signifying something about the music? Perhaps it was to make the band seem new and edgy? And that description, well, it set my imagination on fire when I read it. So eloquently worded, such suspense dripped off of those letters. Of course, it could just be sentimental bullshit. I suppose, given that I'm an agent finding 'young bands bursting with original new talent' (as is inscribed on my own advertisement) is my job. You know? I'm feeling pretty lonely, bored and tired at the moment, I think I'll go. I need a drink and I assume there will be some there, besides I feel like trying something new anyway, let's hope it'll be a new experience. ...read more.

Middle

The people who, just moments before seemed so modern and trendy, now seemed less so, more depressed, poor and dark. They seemed less interesting in their mannerisms, they moaned, groaned and moved so grotesquely rather than bouncing and laughing as had previously. I've already committed now, so I cannot turn back. I continue towards a seat at the bar. I haul myself onto the seat and order a drink, an incredible weight feels lifted off my feet, although this joy is marred by my disappointment as to the bar. As I take a fleeting look at the formerly fashionable person sitting next to me. It's the man who I noticed earlier, only now his skin seems less clear and dirty bags have somehow formed under his eyes. He seems less strong and dependable more scarred and dependant. His grin no longer brings jealousy but fear, his teeth loom at me, now yellow and jagged to the once white and chiselled. As soon as I finish my drink, and the bottom of my beer touches the table the lights go out completely. The resounding cackle from the other populace signals to me that the music is about to start. I feel so nervous, apprehensive about the band, as if I'm about to undertake a life-changing event, something thing that will follow me forever, when really, I'm just about to listen to a band. ...read more.

Conclusion

This goes before work, friends, evrything. My past time has changed into my life. Obsession leads to desperation. Desperation is the fall of any man. It's only been a month since I saw the band. I can't stand it I can't find them anywhere and I so desperately want to see them again. I'm on my way to the venue I saw them at now. I grip so hard my hand twitches on the steering wheel, my legs twitch my whole body twitches, I can't even control my muscles. I feel exhausted. I feel depressed. I feel neglected. The paranoia of not wanting to step on the cracks as transformed into every other person trying to conspire against me socially. My friends don't speak to me anymore because all I talk about is that night and they all want for my downfall, that's all anyone wants. The car screeches to a halt outside the venue. Where as before it seemed so fantastic now it seems so ordinary. I shuffle towards the door again, I brace for the change of scene, but it's not there, the bar still seems ordinary and uninteresting, the people are no longer gorgeous or beautiful but gone. The place is empty. The door locked. No trace of the incredible time had there just one month ago. It has shut down. In sheer desperation I let out a scream, screaming for more. I just slumped and curled up by this empty bar, with only a reminiscent dream to comfort me. ...read more.

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Response to the question

This question asks candidates to describe a night out, and requires originality and innovation in order to answer it. There is an excellently profound and consistent focus on the task set, with originality and innovation flowing abundantly throughout the answer. ...

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Response to the question

This question asks candidates to describe a night out, and requires originality and innovation in order to answer it. There is an excellently profound and consistent focus on the task set, with originality and innovation flowing abundantly throughout the answer. This is not just a simple GCSE answer; there are many sub-plots and questions left unanswered, meaning the readers and examiners strive for more information and are thoroughly engaged by the mystery of the candidate's creation. This piece is exemplar for all candidates wishing to submit original, creative writing as coursework as it masterfully responds to the task and employs all the signs of a top mark piece of coursework.

Level of analysis

The Level of Analysis/Originality here is brilliant. What you don't see so often at GCSE level in creative writing tasks is the concentration on more than one plot. Like the main character, we as readers are left wondering what an earth the phrase "Tonight you will change" means, and the effect it will have on the character we are introduced to. We barely even know them to start with, so, reading on, we become ensnared by this man's monotonous existence and find that the music (exceptionally well described) really does change the man, but what is best is that there are questions left unanswered; sub-plots are explored but never fully invested in, meaning that right till the very end, readers are 'hooked'.

It's nigh-on perfectly written, with an impressive array of vocabulary to describe the surrounding and emotions felt by the protagonist. At first he appears a cynical 'Seen It All Before' type ("I laugh; everything about this night has been so sentimental, false and pretentious") but through the use of language, we genuinely feel like the character is completely changed after the night he had, with an intriguing hint at a homosexual experience to go with it - the music really did change the person. The candidates description are so vivid and credible of a washed-up cynic that it feels highly original and very astute.

Quality of writing

Quality of Written Communication is average. Thankfully, at no point does it detract from the story but a wider range of punctuation points and sentence structure could have been used to show the examiners the candidate is adept at using all range of punctuation (the semi-colon being the ultimate villain). Just remember: semi-colons are used to link to small, main clauses that link together very closely and would otherwise stand alone, separated by full stops and could still makes sense.


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Reviewed by sydneyhopcroft 19/02/2012

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