“I’m not taking it,” my Mum said.
Lorna shifted. Then attacked.
“I knew it! You haven’t even discussed it with us! You just go ahead and make decisions and cut us out! I bet you already knew didn’t you?” Lorna stared hard at our Dad.
He moved, unsettled in his chair.
“Yes, your Mum told me a few days ado, “ he admitted, unaware of the effect the rest of his confession would have.
I sat slumped in my chair, I could feel anger building up inside. We get told nothing, not even things that affect our lives.
At this point I could have taken the upper hand. I could’ve calmed my sister down, and talked rationally with my parents. But it didn’t cross my mind in the heat of the moment. It all felt a bit too familiar like déjà vu. We are always treated like the insignificant parts of the family. I didn’t see the point of keeping my cool.
“WHAT!” I erupted, “You had already decided A FEW DAYS AGO! This is so damn predictable, we get told NOTHING!” I shouted, unable to control my temper.
“ I didn’t think moving to France would be in the best interest for any of us,” Mum said, gritting her teeth, visibly trying to stay calm.
“How can you possibly know what’s in our best interests if you don’t even ask?” I shouted.
“Well, tell me now,” Mum replied.
Lorna came to life again, Dad stayed quiet and I remained angry.
The argument had ignited. I knew where it was headed, the same place it always did; one of us storming off to comfort ourselves in our own company and reassure ourselves that we were right.
That’s what I had done, in total fury with my parents. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick off the mark to question their judgements; I should have listened to them. I now understand that that decision would affect their lives drastically too.
“It’d be great to go. My Highers are almost over now, and Elaine could start 3rd year in a new place, “ Lorna had clamed down and diplomatically started putting reasons to go towards my parents.
“Ye-,” I had begun.
“Hold on, let Lorna finish,” Mum interrupted.
“But -,” I tried again.
“ LET HER FINISH!” Mum roared.
I sat back in my chair feeling defeated, as Lorna continued.
“You would love it, being back in the same country you worked in for nine years. You’d be closer to all your friends there and Elaine and I would pick up the language better. It could be a fresh and exciting start for us all,” Lorna calmly aired her opinion to the room.
“I see the points you are making, but it would be hard for your Dad to get a job. That’s one of the big factors of my decision,” Mum replied.
“But here Dad’s job isn’t –,” I tried to speak, to say what I was thinking.
“I hadn’t finished!” Mum retorted.
I sighed and waited for her to ‘finish’.
“Another reason is, that it would be harder for Elaine to begin the equivalent of her Standard Grades in another country,” Mum said, and drew me a look.
“Why wo-,” impatiently I spoke.
“Wait! Lorna was about to speak,” Mum snapped.
I looked at her and said with a sarcastic tone, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought I MIGHT’VE been allowed to speak!”
There was an awkward pause.
“Mum, maybe you should let Elaine say what she wants, “ Lorna said softly.
“Thank you, “ I said, “OK, for starters Dad’s job here isn’t all that safe anyway, “ calmer I continued, but watching my mum’s expression turn sour as I spoke. “And I don’t think it’d be too bad going to school in France. Grace is doing it; she started at an international school this year. I could do the same. Now, would you care to explain that look on your face?” I said nastily.
“I don’t think you’re really seeing the whole picture here. I do understand your point of view, but-,” Mum began, and I quietly thought to myself, “Here we go…”
“-but Grace has been there since she was seven and it would be a lot easier for your Dad to get a new job here if he loses this one,” Mum said impatiently.
My points had been brought down, my thoughts and feelings on the matter disregarded. The night continued, and voices got louder and I got more frustrated as I was constantly ignored. Eventually, unable to take anymore, I stormed out shouting as I went.
“FINE! DON’T LISTEN TO ME! WHAT DO I KNOW AFTERALL? IT’S NOT LIKE MY BEST FRIEND LIVES THERE OR ANYTHING! IGNORED! AS USUAL!” I roared at them, my eyes slowly filling with salty tears. In the wake of my exit I left behind a silence, that the others wouldn’t dare break, too afraid too speak, or say something inappropriate in that moment.
I lay on my bed feeling angry, frustrated, outcast. I knew I had had a right to speak, but never got the chance. Perhaps they thought I was too young to understand the consequences moving country would have, or that I couldn’t comprehend how our lives would change. But if anything, I understood the most, it was my best friend who had gone through the same thing and I’m the one she turns to for someone to talk to about it, and how much she misses home; I understood exactly what would happen. I had felt like a bull inside all night, I was raging, waiting for a cloth to wave and my charge would begin. Unfortunately that never came until I decided to leave.
I understand now that from leaving I burned away my chance of being heard. But that night I couldn’t contain how I felt. In hindsight I know I should’ve stayed clam and I would have been heard, as my sister was. I should have not reacted the way I did. But I refuse to bear the blame for it all on my own shoulders. My views should not have been ripped apart and they should have been listened too fully.
From that night I learned not to lose my temper so quickly, but to prepare what I want to say inside my head first, before I begin. My parents aren’t always ready to listen and they can be incredibly stubborn. Our relationship is not that close, and we argue a lot, but the fact that we haven’t been ripped apart obviously stands for something. Our bonds are stronger underneath.
Elaine Weir Reflective Essay page