There was nothing left to do but get some clothes and pack. As I packed my things everything seemed so insignificant to the life I was about to create for myself. There was no hesitation; my mind was made up and there was no turning back. He and mum were out shopping as I took one last look around the place I used to call home. The house looked so grim and worn and in the brightness of day it felt cold and dark. The walls were closing in on me as I walked from room to room forcing me out; I felt in danger. There was no emotion and I didn’t feel distress in leaving this shelter with no security or protection; I was blinded by the opportunity of escaping to the city.
I would dream about the city: the opportunities attached and the people it embraced and the wonder and excitement around every corner. The business of the people would bring life to any boring day and the city lights at night would shine brighter than any star in the sky. A fresh start and a new life was everything I wanted and I knew this was the place to go. The city would open its arms and make me feel welcome giving me opportunities I could only wish for. There would be people in the same situation as me and people would understand the neglect and solitude I have felt for the past two years. Important things in my old life would be trivial to everything in the city. It had reached breaking point and I couldn’t wait to leave so I didn’t feel any shame in stealing two hundred and fifty pounds from mum to get me started when I got there.
I stood at the end of my street before turning to take one last look at my past. I had thought about speaking to mum before I left and this was the point where it hit me. I was about to leave home and never come back and the feelings of doubt and fear rushed through my body. I turned and saw them returning from shopping. They were both giggling like silly school children, holding hands and gazing into each other eyes as they spoke. It made me feel sick. His rough, revolting hands were all over her. He had stolen her from me and I had nothing left. I ran away as fast as I could without looking back and I reached the train station before I knew it. The train came and I stepped on taking a deep breath and clenching my fists. I sat at the window and the journey to the rest of my life began. I watched the countryside passing quickly. It was like my life for the past two years, flashing before my eyes and having no way to stop it. Coming and going without any say in direction.
Arriving was bliss. As soon as I stepped off the train I felt like a new person and my mind was emptied of all the bad memories and was making room for the fresh new ones. I could smell all the snack bars and fast food restaurants as I took a deep breath. Looking around me there was people of different backgrounds, different nationalities, couples and families all blending into one as I gazed over the blanket of people. It was a complete contrast to the countryside flashing before my eyes. I had a say in direction I knew where I was going and what I wanted. Nothing was going to flash before my eyes anymore as I was grasping day. I had so many positive hopes powering through my body; my feet were on the ground but my head was flying high.
There were huge buildings towering high above me into the clouds and the shops were tantalizing. I had never seen anything like this - Fancy boutiques and glamorous hair salons. I was like a child in a sweet shop staring and wanting to touch everything that caught my eye. I fitted in and didn’t feel of any less importance to anyone else. This was the beginning of the rest of life. I didn’t know if it was good or bad but I was about to find out.
I managed to find myself a small bed-sit. There was some graffiti on the wall and the sink was leaking a little. The bed wasn’t the most comfortable and there wasn’t any sheets on it; but as I gazed over the small space I realised this was home. The rent was fifty pound a week but as I took the money out my pocket the landlord took a sharp stare and snatched one hundred from me saying I had to pay that upfront and looked at me with a snide smile. He reminded me of the evil creature that had taken over my home. His hands would grab or bully, they would never help or soothe. However, I thought nothing of it thinking I would get a job in the next couple of days anyway so I wasn’t concerned. As I lay in bed, for the first time in years I felt secure. Curled up in my cosy warm blanket, I was in my own home and living independently and no one could take that away from me. I was as blind as a bat to the dangers I was about to encounter.
Two weeks later and there was no change apart from the huge dent in my money. I still didn’t have a job and I was beginning to loose hope. I had searched everywhere but as soon as I walked in the door the employers would take one look and make an excuse like “there’s no vacancies” or “you’re not quite what we’re looking for”. Everything was judged on first impression and that was something I just couldn’t change.
I was one day late on my rent and the creature was back barging into my room - his shadows overruled the walls and I was contained inside. He was demanding the money that I just didn’t have. I was trying to explain but he grabbed me by the neck of my shirt and pulled me out. I didn’t have any of my things so I was shouting and trying to get them but he chucked me on the street I fell onto ground like a heavy weight. Behind me he threw only my blanket and my bag which only had one change of clothes and in the front zip I had left just seven pounds. The door was slammed and locked. It all happened so fast when I was lying on the street it was almost hard to believe what had just happened.
The first night on the street was terrifying. I was constantly watching my back, twitching at every small sound and moving from place to place. I was heartbroken to find myself homeless. I was walking around like a lost sheep. I saw people lying in alleyways as I walked past and others in shop entrances to keep warm. I looked at them and wondered about their lives; what had put them here? But then I realised I was one of them. I wasn’t independent anymore – I was simply homeless.
For the next couple of weeks I still hadn’t slept even half a night’s sleep. I was petrified to close my eyes and people started to call me ‘fret’ because of how much I worried. No one knew my real name and they probably didn’t care. Again, the city had stolen from me, taking my individuality and draining the personality from my body. I had lost a lot of weight because I never had any money for food and my body was fragile. My hair, which was never washed, had turned to straw. I was a walking mannequin because I never showed any emotion. I looked like I was on drugs due to the lack of sleep I had huge bags under my eyes; so while begging for money people wouldn’t even two looks. On good day I would manage to scrape a pound. I didn’t know who I was and couldn’t reconginse myself as I walked past glass windows.
So here I am. Lying on the cold pavement I call home; constantly wondering if mum ever thinks of me. I would never go back now. I couldn’t face her. It was my choice to come here and this is my life – I have to take what comes and deal with it. Maybe one day things will get better but for now; this is me.