Teenage Survival Guide

They’re everywhere.

Parents they’re here, they’re there, they’re practically everywhere! Most scientists try to solve the mysteries of life but the biggest mystery of life which even Sherlock Holmes could not solve, are parents.

You make think parents are normal but really parents are like robots programmed to make our lives a misery. They are also programmed to do household jobs such as hoovering, ironing and washing the dishes or jobs outside of the home, example office work.

Whenever parents take their children out of the house, their behaviour changes like a chameleon in a multicoloured forest. But in an effort to fit in they end up embarrassing their spawn. In genuine puzzlement they do not know what they have done. In the following article I will show you the wise ways teenagers should follow to survive with parents.

Breakfast

When I wake up in the morning to the smell of baked beans on toast, my mouth starts watering and I find it hard not to boast about my mum’s cooking. But before that teenagers approach the sacred room of the house i.e the bathroom they meet with other siblings who are determined to not let anyone enter before them this is the fiercest rivalry of the day and so the teenager’s day has begun.

After washing up, teenagers get dressed for school, do their hair to their approval and then answer to the call within their stomach known as the rumble!

As they near the kitchen table with half squinted eyes, they find to their horror their parents have eaten their food. The only way to get your food is to cunningly make your parents feel sorry for you when really this should not be necessary.

The machine

Used by many teenagers this machine is said to be the ‘key’ to the world. This machine is of course the computer. The only obstacle in the way is techno dad whose main purpose is to intercept e-mails and to ensure strict time limits are enforced in order to make a teenagers life unhappy and perplexed. The only way to overcome these limits is to use mum’s internet account as she is more into household duties. But there is a catch: the only way to repay her for this inevitable favour is to undergo ...

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The machine

The verbal trap

Whenever having a conversation with parents it’s not a real conversation. In fact it is an interrogation to find out private and confidential information about the teenagers life in a disguised manner. Even Einstein as a child would not be able to keep one secret after the conversation. The duration of this conversation is unknown, it could even take years depending on the capability of the teenagers to survive without food and water.

The conversation is like a game of checkers. One wrong move and instead of one piece being taken it’s double the chores. This sentence will only be overturned when the teenager admits to an offence which he or she has not committed. Good luck.

Blood Law

We are constantly surrounded by many rules. Have you ever wondered where these rules came from? Your wait is now over, these rules have been passed down from generation to generation. That is why none of the rules make sense like go to sleep before the sun sets and wake up when you hear the sound of cockle-doodle-do. Like what’s all that about?

Parents when they become adults, they lose the feelings they had when they were teenagers. That is why the house rules will never be abolished because as adults they find the rules which they dreaded, loveable.

The never ending express

The drive which never ends, yes you’ve got it, the drive to school. Lucky teenagers find other means of transport such as the bus or train but for some whose school is far away they have no other alternative but to hop on the never ending express. It goes on Monday to Friday fifty two weeks in a year for approximately six to eight years.

Payment day

‘Mummy have you got it?’ said the teenager. ‘Got what?’, replied the parent in absolute puzzlement. ‘Oh that,’ realizing what the teenager was talking about. ‘I shan’t be long just going to get it from the bank goochie goochie goo’, ‘MUM I’m not four years old anymore.’ Yes the day has arrived, the day all teenagers yearn for, pocket money day. This day is when the teenager has absolute power. He or she can buy what he wants but the only downside is the money takes a few hours of tedious questioning to exchange hands. A tip if you want pocket money earlier is to pressure and remind parents it is due a couple of days earlier.

Tip toe

The clock has struck midnight and the curfew was one hour earlier, this is a teenager’s worst nightmare. Tip toeing through the house as the upstairs window is locked trying to be considerate by not waking anyone up, you turn on the light of the sitting room to find your parents awake in the dark!

You are suddenly met by an inferno of questions from both parents ‘why are you late?’, ‘who have you been with?’, ‘do you know what time it is?’, ‘we don’t have white hair for nothing.’ The best thing to do is not to give a scientific valid explanation but to hear your parents out. This will calm them down and then simply say that you got stuck in traffic.

TIP: parents are at their worst when they have the audacity to ask rhetorical questions. This should be acutely counterattacked by defenseless teenagers.

Blush

Teenagers are constantly embarrassed, especially when going Saturday shopping to the local supermarket. Most teenagers find this occurs in the more sensitive areas of the supermarket such as the cosmetic section when suddenly you hear your mum or dad saying ‘lovy or pumpkin you’ll need lynx, I don’t like the way you smell recently.’ Your world has collapsed as you see every-one’s face turn towards you. You’ll suddenly feel a hot sensation and your face turns sparkling bright red. This moment which nearly everyone has faced in their lives will leave a permanent scar embedded in his or her mind.

Checkups

After arriving home from school with a migraine from all the hardwork and studying in school, teenagers are told they have to face a mile walk to the doctors. Although pleading and begging with parents that all they need is a paracetamol it is of no use.

The waiting room of the doctor’s surgery is like a graveyard filled with awkward times, uneasiness and constant surveillance. If in a quandary, pick up a magazine and hide your face in it. That works most of the time.

As the doctor’s door opens with a groan, teenagers enter with their parents. The parents speak of strange going ons in the teenager like anorexia and obesity proposing with certainty that this is what is wrong with the teenager. ‘Although teenagers are susceptible to these conditions they have absolutely no relation to migraine’ the doctor reassures the parent. The teenager is once again triumphant in the contrasting world and the proof was in the prescription: one tablet of paracetamol.

Expert’s conclusion

Being a teenager for approximately three years without dying from embarrassment, I now cautiously regard myself as being an expert when dealing with parents. Yes even yours I hear you ask so give me a bell if you are in a spot of bother.

The thing is that this cycle will never end. All I can say to comfort you is “The fun will start when you too become a parent” but for now to stay half a step ahead follow these three golden rules and you should have a decent teenage life: