'The best holiday I ever had'
Extracts from this essay...
'The best holiday I ever had' The best holiday I ever had was when I went to Florida with my family. When my Dad told me I was very excited because it was going to be my first time in the 'sun shine state of America'. I asked my dad when where we going and he said 'we are going on the 26TH July and coming home on the9th August' but the bad thing was I had to wait two months to go. Time flew by and the next thing I knew I was packing my suitcase, I packed in lots of t-shirts and shorts. My mum packed in lots of bottles of sun cream because she is the one who goes on and on saying 'be careful in the sun'. After all the bags were packed into the boot we all were on our way to fourteen days of sunshine. When we got to the airport we left our luggage with the airport staff to put it on to the plane.
After the Studios we headed off to the Beltz Shopping complex. When we arrived it was massive. People rushing everywhere, the air-conditioning helped, but when you went from one mall to the other, the heat outside was very hot. My Mum and Dad had to tell me to stop buying so much because we had another 10 days left and my money was 'burning a hole in my pocket'! Already my arms were full of bags with clothes, shoes etc, so I had to stop. The next day we lazed around the pool, trying to get a tan, but Mum being Mum splashed loads of cream on my back, it was freezing! The next day we visited Disney World. It was wonderful, more than you could imagine, all the famous stars were walking around the park, such as Donald Duck, Goofy and the best...Mickey Mouse. We spent the whole day there, it was a whole day trip because at 9.00pm there is a magnificent electronic nighttime parade, which was so picturesque and amazing.
When we got back to the hotel my brother and I went to the pool again to amuse ourselves. We didn't get to bed that night until about 2.30am because my Mum and Dad's friends didn't leave until really late. The next day the weather was glorious and my Dad had a special surprise for us. He hired Jet Ski's for the day and it was excellent. The water was really warm, clear and the sun glistened all day. That was the best day of my holiday but I got badly sunburned. The next day was our last. One last swim in the pool and this left my Mum and Dad some time to pack the bags, then we were back on the road again, this time our homeward journey to the airport. I fell asleep on the plane and only awoke when we had nearly arrived back in Belfast. I stepped out of the plane and the breeze took my breath away, it was so cold! I turned to my Mum and Dad and said, "That was the best holiday I ever had".
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Here's what a teacher thought of this essay
This is a well-told story, with an appropriate, sometimes slightly informal, light tone. The language is mostly quite simple and sentence construction is sufficiently varied.
Punctuation is quite frequently faulty and paragraph construction is loose, with too many short paragraphs.
Marked by teacher Jeff Taylor 20/05/2013
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