Seemingly out of no-where a puppet rotweiler sat down next to him, wearing a ripped blue and white t-shirt, with torn and stained trousers. He sported an eye patch as a result of a dramatic fight with a swordfish, which by the end of it the swordfish looked more like a kebab.
“Hi Ronny” said Oggo, without adjusting his gaze away from the swirling liquid. “What you here for?”
“Listen Oggo, I got a new treasure for ya” replied Ronny, in a deep, husky voice.
“Ronny man, I’m retired, remember?” said Oggo, his eyes still firmly fixed on the backwashed drink. He coughed a couple of times due the smoke in the room, and then quickly drank the remains of his glass.
“Dammit Oggo, look at ya! Anyone can see you’re dying to get back; adventures, danger, come on man!”
“I dunno. What’s up for the taking anyway?”
“No-one knows, we found this treasure map, and it has a picture of a huge diamond, but we think it’s more than a just a normal diamond” said Ronny, with a hint of excitement in his otherwise serious voice.
“C’mon, do you honestly think that I’m gonna come out of retirement to go on a hunt for a diamond that you think might have some special magical powers? Dammit you know me too well! When do I start?!”
And with that they both got up and walked out. Outside the sun was shining, the smell of the sea air filling their nostrils. There was a lot of shouting, and people walking around carrying barrels, ropes and various other pieces of equipment.
They walked down Pier no. 1, an old rotting walkway leading them to their ship, the Hairy Mollusk, with its 10 flippers taken from only the finest Japanese killer whales, the rudder of the female Mediterranean dolphin, and the hull of the lesser sighted, lesser spotted, lesser potent giant Middle Eastern tortoise. It sat there swaying in all it’s glory, the wind blowing through its sails as though they were belonging to a South American mallard. Coincidently, they did. Up in the crow’s nest sat Cheryl the crow, keeping an eye out for pirates and other dangers. Biggs and Wedge the otter twins hurried about the decks making sure everything was ship-shape, and Simon, the sloth chef, was taking his time to select only the finest mice for his crew. He was so slow and tired all the time that he got the nickname the knackered chef.
Oggo stepped onto the ship, and the crew cast it away. The sails puffed out, the hull slicing through the waves like a knife through butter, and the greatest quest of Oggo’s life had begun.
Well in truth it was not all that great. In fact it was boring. So boring that I am leaving it out of this story completely. Apart from one incident…
“Cap’ain, come quick!” shouted Wedge, his eyes wide open showing complete horror.
“What is it Wedge?” asked Oggo, moving his stuffed legs as quickly as he could, his face a mixture of worry and confusion.
“Its Sam sir, he’s committed suicide, slit his wrists sir!” said Wedge in a voice that was so fast and high pitched it sounded like it belonged in an S Club song. Sam, the young badger, was lying on the deck, the sleeves on his black jumper rolled up, revealing the deep cuts on his wrists. He still clutched the knife in his right hand, which was dripping with blood mixed with some water from the deck, leaving a cloudy red liquid.
“Ar, that’s what happens when you hire dirty grungers cap’ain!” said one of the crew.
“Filthy grungers!” shouted another.
“Repulsive!”
“Repugnant!”
“Yes I must agree” said Oggo, “Metal is crap. Indie rock is the best!”
“HERE HERE!” shouted the crew. Then they spent the rest of the day getting pissed on Foxters and singing songs from the Platinum album “This Is It” by The Strokes, available from all good record shops.
A few weeks later they reached their destination. It was just a tiny island, with a single palm tree. “Ar Cap’ain! Land Ahoy!” shouted Cheryl.
“We know Cheryl, we’re already digging!” shouted Oggo from the island. Indeed, Oggo and his crew had already dug up half the island, furiously digging up sand and tossing them behind them. The problem was they kept throwing it where others were digging so no one was getting anywhere!
“This is thirsty work!” proclaimed Biggs, and he kicked the palm tree to get a refreshing coconut. “We’ve been digging for ages, there’s nothing here!” he shouted, and kicked the tree again in his anger.
“WATCH OUT!” cried Oggo, as a coconut narrowly avoided Biggs’ head.
“Finally!” said Biggs. And he cracked it open on his knee. To everyone’s amazement, a beautiful diamond fell out onto the shore. It glistened in the sunlight, letting out a strange glow.
“Is this it?” said Oggo, looking intrigued. He picked up the stone with his right hand and had a close look at it. “I feel really strange for some reason, I’ve come over all funny!” he said.
“Ach Cap’ain, that's because you’ve turned into an orangutan with eight legs, one eye and a huge pair of white wings!” exclaimed Sam.
“But your dead!” said Biggs in astonishment.
“No, I am a grunger. They don’t have lives in the first place,” replied Sam.
“Am I really an orangutan with eight legs, one eye and huge pair of white wings? This was my dream; I’ve always wanted to be like this! Well, see ya later lads!” and he flew of into the sunset in search of his own desert island. As for the rest of the crew, you can use your imagination as to what happened to them.
THE END!!!
By Thomas Parr
