I spun around. “Katy?” I stood there, staring at her. I had dreamed of this moment since I was a teenager. I had planned every word, every movement, but now, no words ran through my head. Just emotions and memories.
“Are you alright? Looks like you’ve seen a ghost,” she chuckled. “God, I crack myself up!”
“Am I dreaming?”
“Nope, you’re in Heaven! To be honest, I’m surprised you made it!”
The atmosphere cooled, and it felt like old times again.
“What do you mean? I was more angelic than you!”
We both laughed, then, silence. It suddenly felt awkward.
“I’m so sorry Katy. I never realised you were so upset with your life. I hated myself; I wanted to see you, to talk to you. I – I...”
My words came out so quickly, rushing out of my mouth. The sky darkened from a sunny blue to a deadly black, and pictures of the past seemed to appear all around us.
“Lauren, shut it! What are you? Forty-Five? And you’re still going on about that? It wasn’t your fault, okay? Stop blaming yourself. I’ve been watching over you for thirty years and there are so many things you could’ve done. You turned down so many opportunities to meet new people and…” she paused, “you just had no confidence in yourself. And that’s because of me.”
She looked as defenceless as she did when her parents died in that car crash when she was fourteen. Being in care had messed her up a bit, and I knew that she had been on anti - depressants for a while. But wouldn’t anyone be like her in her situation? I had never expected her to kill herself.
I sat down next to her, then, finally breaking the silence, I spoke.
“Why?”
The word shot through the air like a dart. I looked at Katy.
“I know you were upset about your parents but…”
I stopped to think about what I was saying. Scared of what her reaction might be if I said the wrong thing.
“You seemed to be managing fine” I said.
“I don’t know. I just... I felt like I could manage. I stopped taking my tablets, and then everything seemed to go downhill. I thought about what happened quite a lot. I blamed myself for everything. I knew I shouldn’t’ve, but I did. I got more and more depressed, taking everything so seriously. Like, that time when Louise Painsley called me a ‘useless whore’, just because I messed up in our music performance?”
I nodded, not quite sure of what to say, but before I had time to think, she continued.
“Well, everything just used to hit me like a punch in the stomach. Every little thing. It sounds stupid, but it just built up. I couldn’t manage anymore, I just wanted to go. To be with my family. And away from… everything.” She looked at me. “I’m sorry that I didn’t speak to you. I just didn’t want to bother you with all my worries. I just knew what I wanted to do, so I did it. But deep down you knew that, so why did you mess up your life over it? I just don’t get it Loz. You were my best mate. Why would it have been your fault?”
I thought about my answer, but to be honest, I had no idea. Finally, I just said everything that I felt.
“All these years I had just thought about you, and the fact that I was having fun when you were gone. It just didn’t feel right. I suppose that’s okay for the first few months right? But I know I shouldn’t’ve dragged it out. I just didn’t feel right. I felt like I was betraying you in some way.”
We looked at each other in a knowing way. In a way that meant not to carry on with the conversation. That it was finished and didn’t need to be mentioned again.
I sighed with relief. It felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my chest. I grabbed Katy’s hand and we walked around the place that I had been thinking about for thirty years. The place where me and Katy spent most our time. A massive field with trees surrounding it. I felt a cool breeze against my cheeks. I felt at peace with myself. This was my heaven, and nobody could ever take it away from me again.
